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I just would like to get some point of view from this situation of a friend. He’s in his early 20’s the same with his GF. They’ve been together for a year and a half now. His GF has a great personality and well, loves him so much. The problem is that she’s getting fat and he’s struggling with the lack of physical attraction to her. She wasn’t like this before they’ve got committed. He’d tell himself many times that it’s not that important, but he just can’t let it go. He’s an athlete, so as you can imagine is in great shape. While his GF is more of a home body, likes watching movies, reading, with little activities. She knows he prefers a thinner body type. He told me at one time that she’d actually want to get into shape. I’d even try to suggest to him that they’d go for long walks, slow running or get her to go to the gym. A few days ago, he comes up and told me that she was always making excuses not to do it. He avoids discussing this topic with her anymore. Another time she asked him if she’s pretty, and he confirmed that she is, although, not in a way that necessarily turns him on. He just lost the desire of wanting her. For this reason, it has affected their sex life and well, he has resorted to watching porn instead as an outlet for his feelings and desires. He tells me that at times he can’t stop himself from thinking and desiring to be with someone more in shape but the thought of breaking off with his GF makes him feel like a jerk. I don’t know how to give him a sound advice about this, so I thought of posting it and getting point of views from other people instead. I know he is young, and usually men at this age view physical attraction pretty highly. Any point of view from this situation will be greatly appreciated.
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replied July 9th, 2009
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Well, I for one hope that if he changed in anyway -such as lost a leg and couldn't run without a prothesis or say an arm, site or hearing-now----would he feel bad if his gf said-hmmm-you sure have changed and I just can't find you that attractive anymore..
How superficial..
Maybe he should talk with her and let her know he is concerned about her weight about the affects it can have on her health-not what it does to him..
If he can't get over it then I hope someday he doesn't have a physcial ailment that will make him wonder and see what being judged is like..
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replied July 10th, 2009
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If the attraction is not there, you can not force it....You want to look your best for your lover, because you love them....They should feel the same way about you as this is a two way street.....If you are not sexually turned on by them, that is just the way it is....If you have lost who and what you were, there is no road back home....One may love and want more than the other, but this is not a complete package....

We all have our own thoughts about life, these are my mine....

Caroline
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replied July 10th, 2009
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If he's not attracted to her anymore and his feelings aren't that strong he can't help that. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. People do fall out of love and if he no longer has the same feelings for her he shouldn't feel like a jerk but be honest with her and move on. If I was single, I would rather my boyfriend break up with me than stay with me and not have the same feelings. You can't force feelings that just aren't there. If he really loved her he wouldn't care that she gained a little weight. That's my thoughts.
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replied July 10th, 2009
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I know he's a bit shallow in that aspect kdlee. Often, it would take time for some men to realize that. He is young after all. Our perspective changes as we get older. From the sounds of things he is only staying with her due to some moral constraint. You are right in that aspect CarolineEF. I agree with wendyrs too. Ultimately, I think he's going to break it up with her because it's going to spill over to other aspects of there life. It has already affected their sex life and could potentially even affect their friendship.
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replied July 10th, 2009
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Morning lizzy..I guess I have seen tooo many people break up in my life time over superficial things instead of trying to work things out..Life moves by too quickly and days get shorter--for me I want someone who loves me for me and not what they see on the outside..I say this becaue I have arthritis and it can be a crippling disease..Arthritis affects people of all ages and can make joints, hands and feet look bad..From my perspective regardless of age-anyone who turns away from the one they call a loved one due to a physical handicap or apperance does not deserve anything but a superficial life..That kind of life has no substance or real meaning..I have seen many men and women of younger age have a strong awakening in life and have happiness with the one they are with..Grass is not always greener......
Then again-if he is soo disgusted with real life people then he needs to let her go-hopefully gently...There are plenty of self abosrbed people out there..
Sorry lizzy-he has already messed over their friendship..If I were his GF I would say heres a wash cloth you don't deserve me..Then again-this is just me..I have more sympathy for the underdog..
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replied July 13th, 2009
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I do as well. But then again, people have to grow up at their own pace. Sooner or later, he'd wake up and realize the one he'd been searching for is the one that he let go. The young tend to look at appearance a lot and not more on the substance of a relationship. I told him that he would have to decide that for himself. What is really in his heart. So, I think he'd eventually go for what's in the surface.
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replied July 13th, 2009
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Hi lizzy_09..I like you..I agree fully with what you said..I think getting older makes me less tolerant of the wastefulness in relationships..Time is to dang short to not enjoy real people..I look froward to reading more of your posts..kd
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replied July 18th, 2009
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kdlee wrote:
Hi lizzy_09..I like you..I agree fully with what you said..I think getting older makes me less tolerant of the wastefulness in relationships..Time is to dang short to not enjoy real people..I look froward to reading more of your posts..kd


One is glad to be of service. Wink
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replied July 18th, 2009
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Hey Lizzy
I think it's actually disrespectful for him to not address that physical attraction is important to his ability to perform sexually with her. One of two people being unsatisfied in a relationship is destructive for both people. He may think he's being a stand-up guy by not making an issue of it but she's aware that he's not attracted to her and it's got to be hell on her self-esteem to keep trying to attract him. They both deserve to be with people who they function well with. I would tell him to begin discussing breaking up.
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replied July 20th, 2009
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Thanks, Wolf. I think one way or the other, it's going to lead there. Haven't heard from him last week. They'd probably talk things thru.
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replied July 20th, 2009
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I don't think it is disrespectful in the slightest...He is saving her pride...He is being a macho man about this...She will be able to go on to another man with the assurance that she is all woman that can turn a man to mush...This is important in the mind of a woman...Her mind makes who she is...

Why destroy this part of her?...Self doubt can ruin her...Tell her that they are different and he has lost that part of himself that used to be...This is a simple fact of life used for generations by all people...It isn't a sin, it is life...

Caroline

P.S. This thread has bugged me and I couldn't get on the Forum for the last three days...I locked myself out... Rolling Eyes ...Lesson #469,236 in life...Learn controls before you push buttons... hammer ..
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