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Paranoid and identity problems

Well, it's a bit more complicated than depression see.
I have always been called crazy in a kind of jokey way but the last year or so I have been feeling it to possibly be truer than I'd like.
I have had quite a lot of trauma in the last year with relationships, and more recently have an incident that I personally classify as borderlining on rape. I seem to have been using other people as a way of convincing myself that they can fix my mental problems and it's made it a lot worse. I'm paranoid, severely lack self confidence, have trouble with my identity, struggle a lot with agression and often get angrier than I should in situations resulting in lots of violent thoughts. I have also been reduced before to self harming though thankfully my fear of pain overrided my desire to harm and I didn't do that much damage to myself. I have difficulty controlling my personality, I frequently lie, use intimidation as a way to gain control over people and generally put myself in situations that inflicts mental suffering on myself and others, in a sadistic kind of way. Half of me wants to be normal and half of me still craves this self destruction. It's affecting my school work and even my friends. I don't tell my parents anything even though I am quite close to them because I fear their disapproval of me. I've looked up things before and what I related to is that I daydream a lot; mostly situations in which i could inflict mental pain on myself i.e. being abandoned, physically injured etc. and most of my relationships are affected by my idolising them then devaluing them the instant something goes wrong.
Please help me I'm really starting to hit rock bottom.
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replied November 8th, 2009
I have also started having panic attacks.
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