Intercourse has been hurting my girlfriend for over a year now, She says it feels like her vagina is stretching and tearing just below the entrance when it goes in, and after intercourse, there is some blood and her vagina becomes sore for a few days. She has asked the doctor but apparently there is nothing wrong, so why is it hurting her, and how can it be stopped? I hate seeing her in pain but I don't know what to do anymore, I've searched the web but I haven't found a single one solution. She has said that she doesn't want to see or ask the doctor/nurse about it anymore and she is almost convinced that nothing can be done to help it. I want to get rid of the pain completely but I don't know where to start or what to do. Any help would be greatly appreciated, especially any first hand experience with anything like this.

Thanks in advance
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First Helper verne01
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replied January 4th, 2014
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

There is much your post doesn't say, such as, your ages, whether she has given birth, how intercourse was before a year ago and any factors that might have contributed to the change and was the change sudden?
Is your girlfriend taking any medication?

I guess your girlfriend isn't keen to have intercourse just now but feels resigned to her fate. She believes you need it and so she goes through with it for your sake.
Even without the existence of whatever caused the initial problem that might still be present, the current situation will be quite a turn-off for her and won't be making things any easier.

I think you should forego intercourse for the time being. It is possible for most to have a perfectly satisfactory sex-life with extended foreplay. Most women rely on good foreplay for their orgasms and if she reciprocates you will have more fun than intercourse will give you, if you must thrust into something to achieve your own ejaculation her body has other orifices or between her breasts or buttocks or even a well-greased arm-pit has possibilities.

Remove the intercourse from the equation and it will take the pressure off and she could begin to enjoy sex again and be more enthusiastic about it.

Clearly something changed and caused penetration to start hurting. The doctor says there is nothing wrong physically. You have little choice but to accept that. Left to its own devices a vagina will stretch considerably, unless she has naturally a very small vagina. You don't give sufficient history or description to be able to comment about that.

Women who have given birth sometimes need to be cut and then have stitches. The resulting scar tissue can sometimes cause a lot of pain during sex.

Other than the rough outline of the above possibilities your description could also indicate she isn't getting fully aroused and lubricating freely because of some medication she might be taking, because she has an age-related or hormone related dryness problem or a prolapse or perhaps she no longer welcomes your sexual advances for emotional reasons.

Certainly you should not be penetrating her until she is fully aroused and has had at least one orgasm or is so close it makes no difference. Additional lubrication could be needed.

In a young inexperienced woman your description could indicate vaginismus. A sub-conscious stress-related condition that manifests in abdominal muscle spasms making penetration difficult and painful and persistence can cause tissue damage and sometimes the condition makes penetration completely impossible.
It is possible I suppose, for some trauma or shock to trigger a similar thing in an otherwise sexually experienced woman.

I hope I have provided food for thought...
Good luck!
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replied January 5th, 2014
Me and my girlfriend are both around the age of 20 and she has never given birth before. The pain started as soon as I came back from holiday and it has been painful for ever since, but before I went on holiday, there was no pain at all, which is why I am so confused as to how this has happened. She is on the injection but she did not start on the injection till after I came back from my holiday.

As far as the naturally small vagina goes, sex was fine and didnt hurt her at all before I went on holiday so I don't think it's that.

Again, before I went on holiday, foreplay was not a problem but since I came back, she has been saying that 'fingering' her irritates her physically and that shes not keen on the idea of receiving oral. Aside from that, we have tried oral before intercourse (as well as lubricants) and they help initially but it still hurts her when it goes in and she cannot continue for more than half an hour or so due to fact that the pain comes back again after a while.

I have come across vaginismus before, is it possible for it to develop over the two week holiday? And if so, how can it be cured? I've heard psychological conditions can be a lot harder to cure.
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replied January 5th, 2014
Extremely eHealthy
Your description indicates something changed or happened during your holiday to your girlfriend physically or emotionally or both.

One possibility that fits the scenario you describe is she tied herself in emotional knots while you were away imagining some of the things you might be doing without her.

Another possibility is while you were away she could have renewed a former friendship so her mind is in a state of confusion.
Perhaps she was assaulted or something...

Whatever it was or whoever it was, real or imagined, I feel sure there was something that needs getting to the bottom of but it could be difficult as she might not realise what that something was though I feel that is more unlikely than likely.

She is displaying signs of a woman who has fallen out of love or is wracked by jealousy or guilt or anger.

It is probable she is unwilling to persist with her doctor because she instinctively knows the problem isn't something he can help with.

Vaginismus in an inexperienced woman generally has its roots in a subconscious fear or unwillingness to be penetrated even though the conscious could be willing. It can be overcome over time with patience and discussion and she can perform a series of exercises designed to help give her conscious control over those muscles that are probably causing the trouble; pelvic floor exercises or kegels are one type.
By consciously tensing those muscles it will make it easier for her to intentionally control and relax them and by slipping one or two of her own fingers inside she will be able to feel what is going on.

She might feel more in control if she was on top controlling the action.

Good luck!
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replied January 6th, 2014
Thank you for your advice, I'll have a talk with her and ask her if anything happened while I was away. I will also mention the exercises to her as well.

I am considering talking to her about a product called the vagi-wave, as strange of a name as it may have, it seems to achieve its purpose, I have read several reviews about it and they all seem to be very positive. What do you think of the idea, or suggest?
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replied January 6th, 2014
Extremely eHealthy
The product reviews are good but then new product reviews always are.
It isn't obvious how it works but that doesn't mean it won't work. It appears to be a product that will really work for some and might have a placebo effect for some but be completely ineffective in others.
The only way to find out will be to give it a try as there is much to gain and little to lose apart from money.

Personally I think it wise to keep it in reserve and begin by some good old-fashioned communication - it is usually more preferable to treat an affliction at source if possible rather than just the symptoms.

Good luck!
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replied March 4th, 2014
How can you treat a psychological problem at the source? Bearing in mind that she does not know how the problem occurred in the first place.

Thanks
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replied March 5th, 2014
Extremely eHealthy
Admittedly it isn't easy. If it was easy to treat psychological problems skilled and experienced practitioners wouldn't be so much in demand all around the world.

In most cases it is the patient who eventually cures him or herself. The chosen practitioner, whether a counsellor, a psychologist or psychiatrist or even a good friend, engage together in a series of structured and unstructured interviews talking about a wide range of thoughts, feelings and experiences until some undesirable aspect, maladjustment, thought pattern or negative or misunderstood experience from the past or personality trait is revealed to one or both of those present.
The practitioner can then interpret the results and help the patient to understand themselves better and also help to develop coping mechanisms or go on to prescribe further treatment.

During an interview or sometimes even just a chat a train of thought can begin that leads to memories that would otherwise be completely inaccessible and assumed forgotten.
The key to many psychological maladjustments is often to be found buried in the distant memory.

The memories of our experiences and the conclusions we reach based such memories are processed and filed away in different parts of the brain and become like software in a computer. Sometimes a misplaced or damaged or corrupted file can have a similar effect to a virus. Chats and interviews and to a lesser extent solo remembering sessions take out files and re-read some of them and sometimes find one that was misplaced, incomplete or contains an incorrect conclusion.

It isn't a quick process and it isn't a solution for every problem but every now and then it is good practice to defrag the hard drive and clear out the junk and generally do a bit of tidying so the machine runs sweeter.
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replied March 5th, 2014
As we are both 20 and in university, neither of us can afford to pay the fees for the relevant psychologist.

I have spoke to her about the situation again, and she feels that we rushed the sexual side of the relationship too quickly. Could it be possible that re-starting the relationship, so to speak, could make her feel more comfortable, therefore put her mind at ease, and ultimately cure the psychological side of the problem?
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replied March 5th, 2014
Extremely eHealthy
Vaginismus often has its roots in a subconscious fear or a general unwillingness to be penetrated. From your description it would seem her feelings towards you changed while you were away on holiday. She seems to be a personality that connects sex and love or otherwise feel a romantic connection so she needs to feel passion for the person she is having sex with rather than being driven by sexual need or appetite.

It isn't uncommon for women to feel that way, especially those women with more traditional values from a traditional upbringing.

I don't think restarting the relationship is likely to cure the psychological problem but if courting her again is successful it could by-pass the problem. If she can feel about you as she did previously her subconscious could approve of the coupling instead of disapproving of it.

Lots of sex therapy revolves around a period of sexual abstinence though nudity and a certain amount of touching is required though a complete denial of any sort of satisfaction is also required.

Whatever you decide she shouldn't neglect her exercises to combat the vaginismus because the memory of that will remain and not necessarily be overcome by being courted again. I expect she will need the extra confidence of knowing she can consciously override her subconscious and relax her muscles if she needs to.

I notice from your posts how you describe "speaking to her about the situation" as if you don't normally discuss finer feelings and very intimate things during routine conversation and it needs an extra-special effort to do so. Giving each other the consideration of a lady and gentleman is laudable but can be taken too far.

Perhaps the sex did begin too soon; if you could do it before you could talk about it comfortably with each other then it probably did.

I would be interested in reading your girlfriend's own words about this matter...
Good luck!
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replied March 6th, 2014
To court her successfully though, would that not mean breaking off the relationship entirely and completely re-starting it? Or is there another way to court her?

I wish I had an idea on how to make her feel the same, as I have been running over the idea in my head for quite some time now. I have felt that for quite some time now, we are not as intimite in all aspects of the relationship as we once used to be.

Are you a psychologist? As you seem to know a significant amount about the topic.
If I could afford to pay the fees for the psychologist, I would in the blink of an eye, but much to my dismay, I cannot.

Are there any exercises that you know of? As I only know of kegal exercises.

This problem has been going on for just over a year and a half now, and I am starting to wonder whether or not it can be fixed. I am loosing hope for the situation and am quite worried that the situation will never change.

My girlfriend does not know that I have started this thread as from previous experiences, I have researched into the problem but whenever I have tried to talk to her about it, as I have previously said, she 'shrugs me off' so to speak, and tells me "The doctor and nurse have told me that there is nothing wrong".
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replied March 7th, 2014
Extremely eHealthy
No I am not a psychologist; at least no more than any layperson with sixty years in the university of life. My work brings me into quite close contact with people and my eyes and ears are rarely idle.

No it isn't necessary to break off the relationship to begin courting again. While a break is advisable in some circumstances when communication between a couple breaks down, it just needs the clock winding back for couples who are still reasonably friendly and functioning...

In the earlier days of your relationship there would be greater efforts made by both of you to communicate with each other at quite a deep level. There would probably have been spontaneous gestures, alfresco expeditions and eating, little romantic treats and expressions of affection. Sexual attraction would have been obvious but sex and sexual things would not have been overt or assumed in those days.
Each of you would have instinctively known you were very special to the other from the general atmosphere between you; tone of voice, body language, sexual chemistry...

When a new couple begin to have sex they often very quickly fall into a routine.
A routine is where lots of people want to be because it represents safety but to some people routine also means deadly dull, unromantic, unexciting and being taken for granted. The words "I love you" aren't an antidote unless the expressions or demonstrations of love, affection, respect, from the early days are also present.

Your description of your girlfriend isn't very comprehensive but I sense a woman who is on the verge of falling out of love, possibly because she feels as though by being an appendage of her boyfriend she has lost something of herself. This is what tends to happen when relationships become routine and stale.
At one level she has seen the doctor because she wants to be reassured everything is alright down there and because it is her relationship duty, while at another level her reluctance to be open about her feelings or to discuss them is a typically instinctive female way of punishing you.

Punishing you for what I hear you ask...
That is the big question and if any man could answer that he could write a book about it and make a fortune. This is one of the huge mysteries of the female mind. She would typically say something like "if you really loved me you wouldn't need to ask" or "that is for me to know and for you to find out".

To a large extent you are in uncharted territory and must travel almost alone. The only thing you can do is put your best efforts to work and hope they pay off.

As far as exercises go the kegel exercises are good but the pelvic floor muscles aren't the only ones involved in the support of the vaginal walls. The girdle of very powerful muscles around the abdomen also plays its part. Relaxation exercises usually begin with a tensing and a conscious relaxing of the muscles of each limb, and each group of muscles it is possible to have conscious control of or to develop conscious control of in turn until the body is as relaxed as it can be. Being concious of the breathing is part of the exercise and in due course the mind is sent on a journey to a safe and pleasant place.
When relaxation is complete there are no individual physical sensations of clothing or pressure but just an enveloping warmth. These exercises and the relaxed state of body and mind is generally reckoned to be a good thing and is central to a number of disciplines associated with meditation, tantric yoga and massage included.

For the purposes of you and your girlfriend the whole meditation thing probably isn't necessary but practicing the prelude of tensing and relaxing will tend to help her be more familiar with her own body.

I hope this helps.
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replied December 31st, 2014
I know it has been a while since I posted on this thread, but she has seen a doctor as well as two nurses who have told her that there is nothing physically wrong with her. As such, she has now come to believe that nothing can be done. The condition is still in need of fixing. Should I try to get her to see a councilor, or should I just let the whole thing go?

Thanks
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