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Overprotective and abusive parents at the same time?

So I will start with myself: I am 25 years old. I came to Canada with my parents 10 years ago and I was made to re-do high school, so I pretty much had to do another 4 years of school, but I know I had to do it so I put up with it. I tried going to University afterwards as my parents wanted but I had to drop out since weird things started happening in my mind and I think it was a result of stress. Old memories of abuse kept coming to my mind and I became really depressed. I have been molested since I was a child by random people in my country (both men and women). My mom has never gotten along with me and used to smack me or pull my hairs or slap me every time I didn't do things the way she wanted or I didn't memorize things. Now, I have learned that I have dyslexia, OCD and an issue paying attention so now it makes sense why as a child, I had so many troubles but thanks to this I was beaten up and mistreated by both of my parents. However, at the same time they would be very caring to the point of being overprotective. I remember my dad telling who could be my friend and who couldn't. He went as far as to talk to their parents so they wouldn't befriend me. I wasn't allowed to go to their birthday parties either or stay late after school. I was made to study all the time and rarely got permission to watch TV. Needles to say, I became a better shy child and I was overweight since I started eating junk food behind my parent's back. Now, I understand that eating sweet things or cakes make me feel good and sometimes it still does but I can control myself way more. I always hid the empty food packages under my bed or in my drawers so they couldn't find them in the garbage. However my dad always had this habit of checking every corner of my room in hopes of finding "letters" from my friends and find out what I was doing. He found the wrappers and hell broke lose. I was beaten up, insulted, grounded. My mom was disgusted and kept saying (as she always says) that I'm retarded and I probably have some kind of brain damage. I was bullied in school for several years. some teachers and neighbors knew but they never said anything. I never did anything against it either because I felt like my parents would do something drastic like talking to all teachers and stuff and then everyone would find out and I would get bullied even more. However, one day a friend of my mom found out about the bullied and she told my mom. My mom talked to my bully in private and she stopped bullied me and even tried to become my friend. That confused me very much. I mean my mom was always insulting me and smacking me and suddenly she is defending me? Anyways, I started to think maybe that was their way to love me. However, the next year when I was around 12 they sent me to a boarding school, apparently because my mom had told my dad "either she goes or I go". I think she got mad because she had tried to hit me and I held her hand in the air before she could touch me. I didn't hit her, I just stopped her, but she told my dad that she was afraid for her life and what not. I went to the boarding school... and it was living hell. I was bullied 24/7. I didn't have a house to run to when this happened. I was done very horrible things. I was beaten up, almost strangled once, molested, insulted, etc. I was always dirty and stinky because the other girls would throw my clothes to the garbage or burn them so I was always wearing the same thing and sometimes I wouldn't even wear underwear to school. Many times they would take my food too or I would be punished by the nuns for not going to eat all clean. They nuns didn't care about my situation by the way. They even made us to beg for food in the markets. I tried telling my dad about it but before I finished he said it would be bad if I skipped a grade, so I endured it. When I went back to my town for high school, I was very bitter, very quiet too but extremely violent. I was ok for a few days but then I encountered my old bullies and this time I defended myself in such a way... that I even threatened them with dead using very gruesome words. They started hanging out with me but I never really cared about them and I never became a bully myself. They actually became nicer after they learned more about me. Anyways, I used to hang out with the guys mostly maybe because girls had shown to be traitors and abusers and guys were very easy going. I was still verbally abused though and trying to defend myself every minute was tiresome and annoying. My parents were also very overprotective, they continued choosing my friends but I started getting along with the popular girl in school. Well, she was really frightening. She got bored of me and used me to get closer to the guys and then started rumors and what not and made the whole class to stop talking to me until graduation. A few of them rebelled against her in the way but it was still very lonely. My so called "best friend" was a girl I had met in the boarding school. However, it was obvious she didn't like me much and treated me like garbage sometimes but would always stick to me for some reason at the end. I guess this is why my first relationship with guys were quite abusive. At least verbally since I wasn't that stupid as to let them beat me up. I could also tell who was really dangerous and stayed away but still... I was always used and cheated on. Surprisingly I still had some self esteem left and refused to have sex until I was 18 and it was with someone who loved me and I loved at that time and is still a friend even now. This happened in Canada. My parents went nuts and my dad beat me up until I broke up with him but I never did. Nowadays he denies he ever told me to break up with him. But, oh well, they are good at denying things. Trust me, there's no way I could forget something in which a beating was involved. My mom never does anything to defend me. Though later on when I was done with her I stopped talking to her for like half a year and she cried (first time I saw her crying) and said she was at fault this time and what not... well, I felt bad for her and my dad scolded me too making me look like the bad person again and we started talking again and ever since then she has tried getting closer to me and I gave her another chance, since come on... who doesn't want a mom in their lives right? She still insults me, humiliates me, puts me down, etc. but is less so I can say I'm happy with it. Until recently though. I had an invasive medical examination and I was required to get someone with a car to get me after the procedure so I asked my bf. He is a very nice guy in general but he gets mad when my parents mistreat me. He recently graduated but is struggling to get a nice job. My mom is suddenly nice to him and suddenly she is not. I don't understand her behavior, but anyways the day of the procedure she and my dad had said they wanted to go and see me but I didn't think it was a big deal plus they would just wait many hours in a waiting room plus she is annoyed by my sicknesses. She has said it herself that I'm probably making things up to get attention and what not. Well, I don't think I can make up a pool of blood coming out of my ass.Plus my dad recently told me "well, it's not like you are dying anyways so get over it". So my bf went with me and you can tell the difference. He is like "it's gonna be ok, I'll be waiting here" and he actually helped research my symptoms and helped me find a doctor and takes me to my appointments when he has time or if it is too far away. My mom always makes faces and complains of how much of a bother I am when it comes to coming with me to the ER. I have said I would go alone and she accuses me of being mean and recently my parents claim that I'm too dependent on my bf and I'm probably spreading lies about them treating me badly or not caring for me. As far as I know I have only told my bf, my psychiatrist and my best friend about some of the stuff they do and only because I need someone else to help me make sense of it. I have only said truth. As for being dependent on my bf, I don't think that's the case. He usually hangs out a lot at my house nowadays because his family doesn't like me for being from a different race. They have told him to get someone his own race and have forbidden him of even taking me to the doctor. They say I'm annoying because I get sick too much and I'm a burden. Well, I don't rely on my bf economically for anything and if he insists, I ALWAYS pay him back. As for traveling, he insists in taking me plus he is also interested in my health ans wants to help. So, I don't understand why my parents are getting so obsessed with this. My mom started the drama because she saw my bf sleeping beside me on my bed. Now, we have NEVER had sex on my bed or anything like it, plus he has an erectile issue and we rarely do anything sexual (this doesn't bother me at all by the way). I explained my dad he fell asleep and there's nothing wrong about it. However, he insists that it looks different and even if there's nothing wrong with it, we have to "keep appearances". So, they want the both of us to stop getting inside my room and stuff and they believe they don't have a reason to knock on my door and can enter whenever they want. Now, I will start a business course of 1 year in September and start my own business. I know I'm good at this so I want to try it. Though my psychiatrist says I have too many issues that need to be dealt with and for this I need time and there's a chance I might lose my mind again if I'm under too much stress. I have tried to kill myself before, though I'm a coward and I'm afraid of dying. I usually just go myself to the hospital and get things fixed so my parents doesn't know about it. Once my ex (who is now my friend) had to take me himself but we never said anything. My mom would laugh and say I'm lying and my dad would start the usual talk about "you are smart and strong and you can get over this" if they found out about the suicide attempts. Most of the times I feel like I'm younger than I look and it's probably the case since I was always forced to stay at home studying and never really experienced life with friends and things like that. I wasn't even allowed to go on school trips. However, I have reached a point where I just want to leave home and I think I will soon. Oh and as a side note, my parents who pride themselves on their university degrees, have been on welfare ever since they came to this country. There are options out there but they create so many excuses and the usual one is that they have to take care of me and my sister since we are in a country where girls can get carried away and become prostitutes. My bf doesn't understand why my mom suddenly hates him. she says he has an attitude and what not, which is not even true. I think he has been just quiet and a bit angry but has never disrespected my mom. My parents felt insulted one time because he told my mom that I needed rest because I had sprained my ankle. He said this to her because he knows she is always thinking I'm making thins up but he is an RMT and he checked me himself so he knows I wasn't lying. My parents got utterly insulted and I still don't know why. My dad says he is acting like my husband and that he is going to get bored of me if I just spend time with him in my room. Trust me... we are both boring anyways and I think he understands me and cares because his family has been abusive to him too so he can probably relate. However, he is really nice and understands when he is doing something wrong and always does his best to be good for me. I currently have a part time job translating documents, however I don't earn a lot of money as to move out and neither my recently graduated bf but he has been looking for a better paid job day and night and I have enrolled in the business course too and I have all the items for my own business completely ready to start selling. I really don't think I'm doing anything wrong, I just feel like my parents want me to do exactly as they say, but I know my limitations and I even the psychiatrist knows my limitations too and even when I have tried to explain things to them they think it's just a matter of "getting over it". They always say they have suffered a lot too but ... I think that's their life and it's a great thing they were stronger but I'm not. I need to sort things out myself but every time I start healing they bring me down again. Even the psychiatrist told me to move out of my house as soon as possible, but I don't know why I feel like I don't want to hurt my parents. I know they have done things for me in order to raise me like feeding me and all that and I guess that's why I don't want to be ungrateful. However, I just don't know who is right and who is wrong anymore. Oh and they are so good at making me feel like I'm the one who is bad, wrong and sick in the head. I just want peace, I really feel like I want to rest, I'm so very tired of living. Very.
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replied July 18th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
That was a long, long story...

There isn't much I can say to make you feel better, especially as you are now an adult and most of that bad stuff should now be behind you...

When two people make a child it can be very frightening as babies aren't provided with instruction books - mostly what people know about parenting is based on their own experience of being brought up by their parents...
Some people shouldn't be allowed to have babies...

Your parents sound as if they did their best for you only when they remembered. They sound ignorant and old-fashioned and probably not very intelligent, certainly not very loving!

I strongly suggest you continue to write about your feelings and experiences as this is very good therapy - emptying your head on paper helps to put things in the proper context, restore perspectives and lay old ghosts.

I hope you soon will be able to walk away from your parents without a backward glance - your biggest battle will be to avoid serial behaviour when you have a family...

Best wishes for the future and be assured there is always a place here to air your emotions...
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