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Newly married but full of anxiety and fear

One week ago today, I married a man who I thought was the perfect one for me. I love him, but since the wedding I've been riddled with anxiety, doubt and fear. We've been together for a year and in that time we've only had a few disagreements, but two days after our wedding we had a huge fight and he called me horrible names like a B***H, SL*T and PSYCHO. We have had many conversations in which I've conveyed that name calling, along with lying, cheating and hitting are deal breakers. So why on earth would he do that right after being married? I told him I think I made a mistake, that I wanted out. He said those words are what made him call me the horrible names. Since then, I've been a mess, wondering if I need to forgive and be understanding that I said hurtful things, even though it wasn't name calling, so he did the same but did call me names. Or do I get out now and hold true to my message that name calling is a deal breaker?
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First Helper newhorizons

replied January 10th, 2013
Healthy Marriage
Marriage in my opinion is for life you strive to make it better and work. You and your spouse made a promise to each other,"for better or for worse". No marriage is perfect there will be ups and downs. You have to make that decision for yourself, I think before you decide though you need to make sure that you did all that you could not only in your mind but in your heart. Meaning try marriage counseling or reaching out to your church pastor. If your husband isn't comfortable about it I wouldn't push it on to him it might make it worse. Try a little every other day and talk about it. REMEMBER communication is vey important. Keep it light and happy Smile
Hope all goes well for you and your husband
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Users who thank Purplemk for this post: kimiwitts 

replied January 10th, 2013
In my opinion, marriage is an important sanctity to try and make work...however, that never warrants verbal abuse. Sure, arguments flair up here and there, but "s***" and "b****" is ridiculous. Especially the former. Keep your wits about you. My previous experience has shown me that while you can hope "for better or for worse" that doesn't mean anything will be resolved. A vow is nothing if the other person is continually disrespectful. Do not stand for it, but also be aware of your own demons. How do you speak to him? How do you help establish communication in a healthy manner? One can only try so hard...

I watched a documentary called "Into the Twilight Haze" when I was in the thick of my relationship struggle. It helped me establish why we stay or leave and the idealism surrounding my own conception of love that shattered. I think keeping with modest realities, i.e., "I'm going to try and make this work" is best. When you put constraints like "this is forever" it gives you the impression that life might stay like this forever...which is untrue.

Also, in my opinion, one year is a short span of time to truly know someone. While I'm sure you both love each other, a lot of your progression is contingent upon how you grow together and how much the other is willing to work on the marriage. Don't worry so much yet--let time work things out--but be aware that yes, people can be different from who you thought they were and yes, they can (sometimes) change too.

Since it was only 2 days following your marriage, I would say give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he was heated in that moment of passion when you said maybe you'd made a mistake. If it continues, though, do NOT offer him the same pass.
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Users who thank newhorizons for this post: kimiwitts 

replied January 11th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Relationships, like anything else, needs rules and boundaries in order to survive, especially during disagreements and your version should have been established within the first few months together and are likely to strongly resemble those within any interpersonal relationship - mostly based on the accepted code of good manners and courtesy.

Being in a temper should not excuse the use of bad manners or unacceptable language.

While your doubts are understandable it was unwise to express them openly as you aren't qualified to have such doubts until they can be based on the experience of being married.
You entered into a contract of marriage, the spirit of which is little different from any other contract from hiring a car to getting a bank loan. The benefit is an exclusive relationship and a safe environment in which to live and raise a family and the cost is realising the other person entered into the same contract and has the right to the same expectations...

In short - if you don't like it, you shouldn't have done it!

He has a right to expect you to give the marriage a fair trial. You have a right to his understanding and support if the future scares you.

Divorce is not a get out of jail free card and should never be used as such. Divorce is for people who have discovered in the fullness of time that they have differences that cannot be reconciled and it has become impossible to continue to live together.

It is your duty to yourself, the person you made the contract with and your community to to whom you made the public declaration to attempt to reconcile your differences.
Such a contract should not be taken lightly.

I hope both you and your new husband are suitably contrite and will both enter into the spirit of the contract for a year or two before making any decisions that should be based on a great deal more experience.

Good luck!
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