Medical Questions > Womens Health > Sexual Health - Women Forum

My wife cannot orgasm with me anymore.

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My wife and I have been together for 11 year and married for 5. When we were first together, I was able to make her reach orgasm in many ways using multiple techniques. Many times I would bring her to orgasm through oral, and then give her a couple very intense G-spot orgasms (she is a squirter). I started feeling very confident in my abilities. I prided myself on learning how to please her. I studied techniques and positions. Numerous times, I could bring her to orgasm with penetration alone. I know how rare that is. In addition, take as given that she was not faking it, I can tell. There are muscular contractions and physiological signs that are hard if not impossible to fake, if you are observant enough.

As time has gone on, she having less and less orgasms during sex to the point now where I cannot give her one. Even oral sex takes much longer than usual to bring her to orgasm.
For example, one time, she masturbated before sex and got herself off with a vibrator and a couple love beads, used for penetration, in about 3 minutes and then afterwards had sex with me and could not reach orgasm during sex and really had a hard time reaching it when I gave her oral afterwards.
Today I went all out trying to get her in the proper mindset. Making sure our 2 year old was asleep, sending sexual text messages to her all day. I ensured that it was an easy laid back day at her work and that she was responding well to the texts. She gets home and I continue my sexual talk and she is responding well. Because she gets off so easy with toys, I bring a vibrator to bed with us. I provided a good amount of foreplay and clitoral stimulation before having sex. I took it slow at first and then began exerting more pressure and speed. I know I was hitting all the right spots during penetration. For one, I can feel it, and secondly, she was responding vocally, very well. I added the vibrator in to ensure clitoral stimulation and it seemed to work, and then, it just stalled there. She seemed not to want to use the vibrator so I switched to close grinding and she would once again look like she is getting close and then nothing. I spoken to her in the past about this issue and it seems that she feels my desire to make her orgasm is pressuring her too much. By I have not even brought it up in over a year. It just keeps getting worse. I could not reach orgasm either this last time. I derive a lot of enjoyment from sex off of her pleasure and when nothing happens for her, it kills it for me.

I am wondering what the heck I can do. It seems like I can't please her anymore. She says that she does not need to orgasm to enjoy sex, like men do, but she is now masturbating a lot more and having sex with me less. In addition. I find it frustrating that I can have 45 minutes of, what I would consider, great penetration technique and use of clitoral stimulation (vibrator and grind) and I cant make her orgasm once, but she gets off in 3 minutes flat with a bullet and a couple love beads. I know its got to be psychological with her, but talking to her about it seems to make it worse. So I tried not mentioning it and just having good sex and that still has no effect.
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replied June 8th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
Your wife could be right when she says she feels pressured...

She is also right when she says she doesn't need to orgasm to enjoy sex - many women say that and it has been reinforced by some of the foremost UK agony aunts - your wife will know her own mind best, if she is being completely honest with you; and herself...

Sexual appetites naturally wax and wane and it is possible your wife's is waning just now...
OR, perhaps she is more interested in exploring her sexuality alone just now...

Certainly the over-use or the over-dependence on toys, especially vibrators, can have a negative and desensitising effect on sexual response in a similar way to the over-exposure to porn. I believe, like many sex-therapists believe, masturbation and sex is best used for relief and only sometimes for fun, an aid to sleep or to clear the mind...

Hiding your wife's vibrator might be a good thing to do - if she needs a vibrator to orgasm she probably didn't need the relief of masturbation in the first place and would be better employed saving her energy for the married bed, though it is fair to say bed can become tedious if it isn't punctuated with adventures on the kitchen table or floor, against a wall, on the stairs...
Toys and vibrators are best viewed as things to be kept in reserve for times of difficulty and special occasions!

Spontanaety is important to lots of women and spending a day telling her what you are going to do to her that night will work - because that is something that can be very arousing for both men and women - but people can have too much of a good thing as it completely ruins that treasured surprise element...

Sex isn't much different from food and eating - it is nice to know what is for dinner everyday. It is nice to have an appetite and to be able to satisfy it - but sometimes the best meal is the simplest fare taken from the frige almost on a whim!

I almost never say this but I feel you are too centred on sex and your mastery of it - you live too much for sex. While your desire and ability to pleasure your wife is very laudable, it is noteworthy you do not speak of how your wife pleasures you. Perhaps she has become a little frustrated being the constant subject of your slavish ministrations and she would like the challenge of playing you like a musical instrument sometimes...

I feel a short period of complete abstinence for both of you would help restore a healthy appetite...
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replied June 9th, 2012
I appreciate your input. Perhaps I do focus on sex too much but I can't help it. I have a very high libido and many time I find myself repressing it in order to avoid chasing her too much. I desire sex not just for release but to feel closer to the woman I love. I told her this and she was surprised and said that she never thought of it that way. I told her that women, for the most part, out of the honeymoon phase, will express love through non sexual means (bonding emotionally), while men tend to express their love through physical contact and sex. She said that she now looks at my desire for sex in a totally different light.
I am a very passionate person, especially when it comes to women I have loved. I think perhaps I am trying to hard to please her. I should probably be more like most guys who are indifferent to their woman's satisfaction.
BTW I mentioned that abstinence period to her and she says that the more she has sex, the more she wants it, and that going without for any extended period of time would cause her to want sex less.
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replied June 10th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
At least my input has been a talking point between you and you should both know your own minds best...

The food and eating analogy for sex/appetites still remains quite good...
It is true that appetite or desire, the sex itself and satisfying orgasm(s) is linked and in theory go together but for many in practical everyday life are not indivisible all of the time...

Going without a few snacks or lighter meals does tend to sharpen the appetite for a big dinner later, but your wife is correct - go without too long and the stomach will shrink a little and reduce the need for snacks and the capability to tackle a big meal...
It is all about finding the right (healthy) balance so the appetite is always a little greater than the means to satisy it.

In short - if your wife cuts out a few of her daily snacks (solitary masturbation with or without fantasies and leaves the toys in the cupboard when she does have an overwhelming urge to "snack") it is more than possible she could enjoy a good dinner (sex with her husband) more...

Alternatively, if you could persuade her to indulge in a little self-torture by masturbating herself, when she feels the need, and without any toys, to the point of orgasm but to deny herself the satisfaction of actually having the orgasm...

The fact remains that constant friction on any part of the body does cause a thickening of the skin and a loss of sensation and the over-exposure to vibrating objects can actually kill nerves. This is what countless millions of circumsised men and what tens of thousands of sufferers of that industrial disease "vibration white finger" have discovered!
Other women have reported over-use of vibrators have resulted in the absolute need for them due to the clitoris suffering a reduced sensitivity!
"It is best to exercise caution and moderation in all things!"

The fact remains, when something isn't working, it is wise to make a few changes over time in order to discover which element(s) are the main factors.
A problem that has been growing and has possibly taken years to manifest itself is not going to go away in five minutes...
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replied June 11th, 2012
Once again, I appreciate your advice. It is very thoughtful. Recently we had a blowout argument in regards to sex. I always desire an outside opinion to set me straight if I am wrong so I would appreciate your opinion. Please forgive the length of this story but, I really need an outside opinion.
My wife gets home about 9PM. I tell her that I want to cook her a nice dinner. She asks me what she can do while I cook. I say to her playfully that she can strip down and sit on the counter next to me while I prepare food. She, surprisingly, strips totally nude and does as I ask. We kiss for a while and she tells me that this is just a preview of what will come later. She then tells me how she can't wait for me to give her oral sex (the actual words were much more graphic) and that she can't wait to do the same to me. This get me really turned on obviously. So I finish cooking the dinner (about 20 minutes). We go upstairs and eat. After eating, about 1 hour from the start of the sex talk while making dinner, I notice that her body language has changed and she is more withdrawn. I can tell that her desire has changed. In an attempt to try and keep the mood going. I try to be understanding and I ask her if she still wants to have sex. She says sorry and that she doesn't. I tell her that I was disappointed but I still try and stay positive. So I tell her that it is alright and that if she is tired, I would be happy to give her oral sex without receiving anything back and help her relax before going to sleep. I take her into our spare bedroom and do as I say I would and even though, it takes a good amount of time for her to get off, she does. I can tell that she feels bad because I was not getting anything.
The next day she looks to be the same way, not desiring sex. I tell her in a calm and informative way, and because I did not want to try to force an unreciprocated sexual advance, that I was super horny today and asked her how she felt about having sex. She says that she needs a shower and does not know how she will feel later, but it was obvious that she did not want it. I said that I assume that means that she does not want to have sex.
The end of the day came and I am getting more frustrated, and visibly agitated. I assumed that after what happened the night before and what I specifically told her the next day, she would put in effort to have sex with me. So she asks me what is wrong and I tell her what I have stated in this post and she gets really upset, saying that because I told her it was OK last night that I should have not brought it up. I told her that I was trying to be understanding under the premise that she understood that what she did was really crappy to do to someone. She said that she can't help that she got tired and did not feel like it 45 minutes after saying what she did downstairs. She said, "what I should force myself to have sex with me if I don't want to?" I could not believe she was saying this. I told her it would be like me telling her that I was going to drive her to work (something of value to her) and at then a short while later, saying I don't feel like it anymore. She said, "Fine, I just won't tell you those things so your are not disappointed when they don't happen."

Sorry, again, for the length of this post. I am so frustrated. It seems our sex life has been put in the hands of her minute by minute whims and how she feels at the moment. She acting like a force of nature instead a conscious being with an ability to control her actions. Please tell me your opinion on whether I was wrong in this scenario.
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replied June 15th, 2012
I think this problem could be medical. Therapy must have some side effect difficulty. But now a days medical science has developed a product name female Viagra. This is very effective and no side effect. This female Viagra increase the blood circulation around the vagina which gives more orgasm within a very short time.
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replied March 19th, 2013

She doesn't have a medical problem, she's a perfectly normal woman! Only 35% of women can orgasm from penetration alone, and sometimes a person who could orgasm from penetration changes as they age.

She didn't do anything 'crappy' to you - she felt one way, then she felt another. She got home at 9pm, you cooked dinner, went upstairs and ate - so it's now around 10pm, and she's tired. You gave her something and told her you expected nothing in return. That means 'nothing' - she is not obligated to have sex with you later.

You are putting WAY to much pressure on her, and it's turning her off - as it would almost any woman. You cannot browbeat or bully someone into wanting to have sex with you. She probably feels like sex is the only thing that matters to you, and you'll do whatever it takes to get it, especially after the comments about 'it was a crappy thing to do to someone', or changing your mind about driving someone somewhere.

Having sex is NOT the equivalent of driving a car somewhere. Being too tired to perform sexually is not the same as being unwilling to drive someone somewhere.

You're placing a huge amount of pride in your ability to please your wife - all while completely missing the point of HOW to please her - by listening to her and respecting her decisions about her own body. Try masturbating to take some of the pressure off.

One last thing. If my husband hid any of my personal belongings as a way of trying to force me to change my behavior or attitudes as is suggested above, he would be unable to have sex with me for quite some time. I'd be living with my parents again.
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