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My thoughts are slowly killing me.

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Ok so after everything that is going on I think my mind is getting worse as the days go by. I can NOT trust myself alone with my thoughts anymore, it's getting very critical. When I'm alone all I can think about is killing myself because I'm worthless and pathetic and feel like I'm way too weak to deal with life and all it's problems. I get to the point where talking it out with people doesn't help me feel any better either. I also sit there and think that I'm a failure for not even being able to kill myself. I spoke with my great grandmother about how I feel because she has of course been noticing a significant change in me, and she told me that she will not let me be alone anymore and I do really appreciate her help. We spent the day together just hanging out like we used to when I was a kid, and my brother and sister even went to the park with me and my dog. I had the best time with my family and I am so greatful for our family time because its been so long since I've experienced that, and I look forward to more days like that. Still they can't be with me all the time and that's what I'm afraid of, no matter how great my day is going I get stuck in a rut of focusing on the fastest or least painful way to my own salvation. I finally called for a couseling appointment about a week ago and they can't help me till two weeks from now, and still I think it will be pointless. I refuse to take depression medication even though it may help, I'm afraid the side effects will make things worse and I have tried overdosing on pills before and think that would just be a stupid, bad idea to do. Well I hope there is something out there that can possibly help me out, I can't live like this anymore, I'm losing faith as the days go by, like a ticking timeclock waiting for my self destruction to finally arrive.

Crying or Very sad
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First Helper ineedanswersnow
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replied May 24th, 2011
Hi jasmyn,
Don't feel low. Family time is a quality time who spend you some times ago with your family. you chose anyone person who cares you.
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replied May 25th, 2011
i suffer from manic depression and i am taking CELEXA for it. there are no side affects, atleast i havent experienced any and i have been taking them on and off for years now. seeking help will hurt i just think it sucks that they cant see you any time soon. i know how it feels to constantly feel empty and purposeless. to just sit there and pray and beg for your life to end. the medication does help however you have to be willing to take them and stick with it
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replied May 25th, 2011
i suffer from manic depression and i am taking CELEXA for it. there are no side affects, atleast i havent experienced any and i have been taking them on and off for years now. seeking help will hurt i just think it sucks that they cant see you any time soon. i know how it feels to constantly feel empty and purposeless. to just sit there and pray and beg for your life to end. the medication does help however you have to be willing to take them and stick with it
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replied November 14th, 2011
i too am also becoming more and more depressed but I have recently been reminded of the story of Peter walking towards Christ on the water. When he began to look down and around at the storm he began to sink. Like Peter, we need to keep our eyes fixed on the Savior, otherwise we will all sink and drown. This has helped me somewhat. At least I know what I need to do.
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replied December 9th, 2011
i can relate to your pain, though for different reasons. i have been suffering from an empty mind. i cant think clearly i cant function in everyday society. it has gotten to the point where i can hardly put enough words together in my head to form a sentance. I've struggled my whole life in silence, disguising my issues with a sweet smiling face that always appeared happy. but inside i was alone, lost and confused. I'm 33 now and have relied on family to get by in life. get by withouth ever really having to talk about who i am inside. When i was younger i suffered from a major debilitating condition-spinal meningitus, which should of killed me, sometimes i wish it did. but as a result it caused certain developmental setbacks. making me socialy inept to others. Because of that i put a wall up around me isoalting my self from the world. i have avoided every social situation imaginable in my life. in most situations i was overwhelmed with nervousness and shyness to the point where i would shake. i figured i was just a quiet and scared as a child but as i grew older, and prayed for this feeling of fear to go away, it did. and in its absense i discovered a horrifying fact about myself. That being unable to process information from others. Its better known as audio visual impairment. which prevents me from interpreting information properly. this low grade learning disability's true effect went under the radar for years Between that and battling dyslexia my childhood to say the least was challenging.

I"m writting on this forum in response to the statement regarding Jasmyn's claim to having no self worth and feeling pathetic. I too live in that world. I share with you those feelings. and the only thing keeeping me from ending this pain is my family. I have hit a wall I'm 33 feel i'm going no where in my life (not self pitty) and have spent the last several years feeding of the problems of others. hidding behind loved ones never really focussing in on myself. what appeared to be a sudden onset of depression and anxiety, was slowly simmering for years and then when it hits its paralyzing. It sucks you in disguises itself by possible physical ailments, such as heart attack, memory problems, cancer, a virus. I started diagnosing my self with all sorts of problems, which i havent ruled out yet. But i'm at a point where i cant retain a thought. my confusion leaves me useless. And my attention span is that of an infant, which was never the case.

I like to think that i've enjoyed life at one point,

but in my current state i feel as if it was nothing more than a dream. At this point i would settle for a feeling. anything, to be sad upset, happy, laugh, cry, just experience one emotion fully. having this void is no way to live and i guess at some point i suppressed everything unkowingly. Even as i write i feel nothing and struggle to write with an empty head. to think theres so much i would like to say and express but for some reason, i just simply cant.

During my college years i found my self drifting through the years in silence, no real friends. the few that i had possesed similar qualities such as sincerity, compassion and very chatty. This allowed me sit quietly through conversations deeming me the great listener. Its amazing how one can slip through the cracks of society and push through life without ever revealing there inner most demons.
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replied December 9th, 2011
Community Volunteer
Hi anteater and welcome to ehealth: I just read your post and am still wondering if you are a male or female...You are a good writer...I believe you should write more and let yourself loose...I have found by writing of life that a new part of me opens up...Awakens my mind and gives it new life...

As for lonliness, many people are lonely....Many people are listeners...Many live in their own "pretend" world and fake being one of the chosen few....Don't shut the door on your mind...There is far too much there screaming to come out...I wish you well....Take care...

Caroline
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replied December 20th, 2011
hello caroline, thanks for the warm welcome, i some how came across this site while drifting on the internet. i appreciate the encouragement and the compliments. I:m a male. and i struggle to write. i do at times, or did, have an influx of thoughts that scream for an outlet but over the last couple of years i believe that i have repressed so many feelings and thoughts that my head is like a bottomless vat where anything that seeps in will creep into unreachable depths.
Regardless i appreciate your words. and for what ever reasons why i hope your seeking out this site gives you comfort.
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replied April 22nd, 2013
I think of nothing but ending my life.

I knew my depression was on its way back so I booked a couple of days off of work - as I simply wouldn't want to go outside when at my lowest point as it is. All I done for the days I was off was sleep and cry.

I feel so empty and pathetic - I can't cope knowing that this is how life is...

Even when it's going good - I'm planning and anticipating for it to go bad.

It's a very luck person who cannot relate...
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replied April 22nd, 2013
I think of nothing but ending my life.

I knew my depression was on its way back so I booked a couple of days off of work - as I simply wouldn't want to go outside when at my lowest point as it is. All I done for the days I was off was sleep and cry.

I feel so empty and pathetic - I can't cope knowing that this is how life is...

Even when it's going good - I'm planning and anticipating for it to go bad.

It's a very luck person who cannot relate...
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