The rundown I had my son when I was 18 and had to go it on my own. I was working 3 jobs to take care of him, moved out, and was expelled the middle of my senior year from a private catholic high school. I was a raging hormonal kid. I tired taking to the mother about adoption because we both were in no place to give him the best possible future. Paperwork was half way signed when her mother walked in and made her change her mind. I didn't pick a real winner for a girlfriend at the time no one in her family had ever gotten past the middle of the 10th grade. They all dropped out because it was a waste of their time. When my son was 6 months old I went into the military to get my head screwed on straight and I did and was sending money to his mother on a monthly basis. No I did not do DNA testing ignorance is no excuse, I know. When he was almost 2 I met another woman in the military and we decided to get married. When she and I went to see him together his mother showed me legal paperwork saying he was someone else son. When he turned 5 I was called for a DNA testing to start support for him. I went without worry and found out he was mine after all. I hired a lawyer and he showed the court the paperwork and I was only required to pay 10% of all back support to her which only ended up being about $2500 total.
Since then I started getting into his life when he was in the middle of 3rd grade I was given temporary custody of him because he had missed over 40 days of school by Christmas break. In second grade he had missed almost 75 days and in first close to 85 days. Surprisingly he still did well at school he did so well at school when he came to live with us after 3rd grade they recommended him for the fifth grade. I said no because he was going back to live with his mother and I didn’t believe he had a real good educational foundation at home if he were to struggle to help him. His living conditions at his mother’s met the bare state minimums for automatic custody. The house was kept nasty and the DSHS had been called in on several occasions to the house for miserable living conditions for his mother’s brothers and sisters. My wife agreed we would pay to move them out live by us and do 6 months of free room and board and was able to set her up with a job. We figured each month she would be given one bill to become responsible for until she could live on her own. She decided not to do it.
End of his 4th grade school he had gotten nothing higher than a C- which was only one all year. I went back to court and asked if he could stay with me and repeat 4th grade but would have to maintain a 3.4 minimum GPA to stay with me after the 2nd quarter of school. It was amazing he was recommended to skip fourth and move on to 5th and then struggle so hard in 4th grade. The court agreed and he came to live with me and I put him in a private school 4th grade class and he ended up with all A’s. However after 2nd quarter he went back home for a weekend and was yelled at by his mothers family for doing so well because he was not coming back home to them. They laid the ultimate guilt trip on him for doing well. He decided he wanted to go back home for 5th grade and did ok he started with all A’s then went to B’s, then C’s and ended up with D’s at the end of school. 6th grade sort of went the same way and once again I intervened. He came to live with me again in 7th grade and did spectacular. He got a cell phone at Christmas because I felt he earned it and was being an all around great kid with all A’s and 3 B+’s. (I really wished I was that good of a student”. 8th grade started off very well like normal all A’s and a B first quarter. I didn’t have to get on him at all about his study which is nice.
When the second quarter came he ended up going home at Christmas break for almost a month missing 4 full days of school. When grades were checked he when he got back he had almost all D’s and an F. I was lost talked to the teachers and they said he was not doing any of his school work since he was back from Christmas break and seemed just not to care at all. I got on him and took away phone, TV, and extracurricular activities until there was some improvement. I figured something was going on and he was doing this purposefully so he could say that he was not doing well in school with dad like he was before so he could go live with his mom again. I also noticed he was becoming very distant from his friend I noticed which was not good in my eyes. So I setup a surprise party with his friends my wife also happened to go into labor that very same day. I felt maybe he felt that he was being ignored because we had a 2 year old also which was getting a lot of our time from him. So I called a buddy and he came over so he still could have his party and I gave him a credit card for food. I thought I was doing the right thing for him by not canceling his party because of my wife and another sibling.
He did end up getting his grades up to high C’s and one D. So 3rd quarter I paid a lot more attention and he ended up with C’s and B’s and 4th he goat all A’s.
Since he came back from Christmas break he had become very mouthy, disrespectful, and disobedient. His mother called me and asked if he ever gets anything new for presents he got my laptop which was top of the line, a refurbished cell phone which was thrown back at me and told me he didn’t want it and everything else was new and his grandma said across room you didn’t get much from your dad. I figured some was due to that turn of being a teenager. He did kind of calm down on being disrespectful and disobedient not doing chores of vacuuming, dishes, and cleaning his room. We did not trust him enough to babysit alone, because there we were too many what happened when he was asked to watch his brother while we were taking a shower, in another room doing work. We actually hired his girlfriend to watch our 2 year in the schools small gym with our son, while I was working the school’s basketball games in the big gym. During half time I would change diapers. This was no longer than 2 hours and I was working security outside the small gym door.
One day his girlfriend asked me why he hated me so much. She understood I was strict with rules and he lost out when he was being dumb with his mouth or not doing what he was asked. I asked her what she meant and she really couldn’t explain she felt I did raise my voice a little too often and was hard on him. I explained you are only hearing part of it. Low and behold that weekend she saw the whole break down of him and his mouth and me raising my voice the 4th and 5th time I was telling to do things. That night she who came from a very catholic and respectful family had got on him about the way he was being disrespectful to me and my wife and that was something she couldn’t deal with. A couple of months they broke up.
Now up to this recent time. Major issues He and some friends wanted to stay the night at his new girlfriends house after the 8th grade dance and I was not cool with it 2 boys and 3 girls and “he was not as stupid as I was about getting a girl pregnant I did remind him I was 18 and he is still 15. Yea I know they “were not planning anything sexual” but I grew up old school my parents are in their 70’s and I told him they could go for pizza afterwards and he could stay at his buddies’ house but not his girlfriends or I could take them all out for breakfast the following morning. His own mother agreed with this and when I asked for her help she said she was not telling him no about staying the night. He said no to the plan and one girls parents actually said yes to that idea. I told him he was to old stay at a girls house and too young to be responsible enough to stay at a girl’s house. Her parents were going to be there but I just was not ok with him going over to their house at 10 o’clock at night. Well he had been a real butt about not being able to spend the night. The excuses you don’t trust me, you are not listening to me, whatever, ok, if you say so. The night before I had given his friend a ride home and he had told me they were going over to his girlfriends’ house after the dance. He was supposed to be staying the night at his friends. When this was brought to my attention we questioned him about it and he said his friend was stupid and was not listening. So I said he was not spending the night at his friends. It had been discussed with the parents me or my wife would pick all the kids up and his girlfriends dad would bring them home or over to the who’s ever house they were staying at. He was told to come home right after school so we could get some work done around the house before the dance. Low and behold he showed up an hour and a half before the dance and said he was chilling at his friends’ house. I told him he was going to get the work done before he left, if he didn’t have it done then we would pick up the kids take him over to do the picture thing and then would come back to the house and finish the work. Well he was getting stuff done to not have to come back and his buddy reminded him that we were picking the kids up in the minivan and he flipped out. My dad didn’t “Fing” listen I didn’t want to go in the van and carried on he said this loud enough to be heard over the lawn mower and with me being over 50 feet away. I said fine you’re not going at all you can do the picture part but your done from there. My wife said that it was not fair to his girlfriend that he not go, because we were punishing her also. I talked to her dad and he agreed to he needed to get punished he talked me into letting him go and be grounded for the rest of the weekend. Funny thing happened I got a hug from him when he left his girlfriends house the last time he had given me a hug was over a year ago on his own.
Then he went after me about how all his friends were going on the D.C. trip and they didn’t have to do anything to raise money. I told him he had to raise money because $2,500 is not cheap. He had a year to raise money he put in one week and raised $30 bucks for it and quit. I did make him return the money to the people he got it from since he quit on trying to go.
I wanted to do something during his spring break with just him and me to have some time just spent on him and not his brother and sister just him. I came up with doing Disneyland and he said no it was family place, I came up with several other idea’s and he said no then asked if he could bring a friend and I pointed out it was a him and I time.
Newly learned things about 2-3 weeks before he goes back to his mom’s he becomes a real butt hole. He admitted he noticed it to, but does not why. I came up with the idea maybe he creates problems to make it easier for him to leave here and go back there.
Differences between his mom’s and my rules
Here he has a bed time, here he has chores, here he is accountable for himself, he has to tell us where he is going and with who, he does not get to come and go as he pleases, here he has his own computer and had a cell. Is given money when he wants to go out with friends and has a curfew here home by 11 on non school nights.
Because he goes home during the summer I got a hold of friends who coached football to see if he could workout at their school since he was missing all the summer workouts here. He ended up telling me he didn’t want to do the summer workouts. I said fine and I told him I could put together a workout for him to do on his own and he said no to that. So I left it alone until today as I listened to him tell his mom he was going to be getting with a friend heres’ uncle there to do workouts since he couldn’t do anything back home. I was very upset listening to that. Then I heard about he has no money and I was not giving him any. His mom has sent him $40 over 2 years for him to have.
When I called his mom to let her know that he was at the airport now she asked if he had his phone and I said no. I pay for this phone first of all. She said he has not had it forever and I explained he lost it for grades and for 3 weeks then a week later he used his phone during school. I am a teacher and cannot stand when kids use their phones during class time. He lost it for a month when he got it back he started being mouthy to my wife and then I so I took it back again. He was given several opportunities to get it back and he did not even try to get it back and eventually said he didn’t want it. She started laughing about me not letting him get his phone back and commented what if he gets mugged while at the airport. My comment was he was better off yelling then hopping to have service wherever he was at. She said whatever and we hung up.
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replied December 26th, 2010
I think you should feel proud of yourself for trying to discipline your boy and encourage him to make something of himself. It strikes me that his mother does not want you to achieve this and enjoys swinging him the other way probably to wind you up and probably because she is an ignorant low-life. Maybe one day, when he has done something good, take him out one evening and explain gently what you are trying to do for him and ask him to help you to help him be a success in life. I wish you all the best.
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replied February 28th, 2013
Sir, you certainly do have my sympathy in this matter with your son. My situation with my eldest son is not like yours, but if I told you what has gone on with him since around 15 years old, (and he is now 50),you would have to think I'm lying, just making up a story or just anything , for it is unreal and it still is. I use to think there was hope for me and him to have a decent relationship, but that hope is dead and it only recently died for I just can't take anymore from him. The sad part though, is that he was absolutely the sweetest child , not one problem with him ever. So sweet, kind, caring, loved everyone , was so happy then. How sad it is for me, to have watched him turn into the person he has, one who hates himself and everyone and everything in life. Has no love, no care, no respect for anything or anyone anymore. I'm a mother with a broken heart, for I know things will never change with him. He was molested by his father years ago and has never been the same since. I never knew this until he was an adult and began to change. His father and I had divorced when he was 5.

I think you are trying to do the right thing with your son sir. I think your decisions have been the right ones. But I can speak from experience, sometimes no matter what or how much you try to do that is right, it can end up going the opposite of what your goals for your children are. My prayer for you and your son is one that all will turn out well for both of you and that he will one day see how much you love him. If it doesn't, don't be like me and beat yourself up all your life and wonder and worry about what you might have done wrong or not done. You know in your heart when you are doing the right thing and when you have only his best interest at heart. Kids don't come with directions tagged to their toe on how to raise them. And all you can do is give love and do your best , that's all that God requires of us when they are put in our charge. It's a very tough world for kids, and it is even more of a tough world to be a parent trying to raise them. Good luck with you son, you do deserve it.
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