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My husband is ruining us with lies and selfish behavior!

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I've known my husband for over a decade, but we've only been married a couple years, and only dated a short time before that. We were good friends through school, and were always together. Between high school and marriage, he went to college and I went to work.
We reconnected a few years later, hit it off and hooked up. He was clean-cut (was a grunger in school), always looked like he took care of himself, never brought up money issues, had a nice-ish car that seemed taken care of. He made me laugh and we had deep conversations. He was a catch, for sure.
We got married, and everything has slowly started crumbling. He had debt he didn't tell me about when I asked before we wed. Big debt from student loans for a program he couldn't be bothered to finish. I spent over a year and a half asking him to at least get the information so I could work it into the budget and we could start taking care of it. Never happened. I notice his toothbrush is unmoved for days at a time. So much for clean-cut. We have to sleep in separate bedrooms so he wont try to have sex with me in my sleep. I found out he was never taught basic life skills most people learn like the maintenance on his car, how to do taxes, how to budget, how to clean up after himself. The only thing he does now to help around the house is his own laundry and the dishes (that I don't use because I can't stand being home long enough to eat.), and take the trash out after I've asked him 3 or 4 times. I handle everything else. All the bills, the cars, the home, both schedules, the pets and both sets of appointments. I'm a personal assistant and maid, not a wife.
He recently accused me of cheating. It would never happen. Why would I go through the trouble of hiding another relationship and still put up with his crap at home? He said that because I don't sleep with him anymore, I must be getting it elsewhere. I pointed out his lack of hygiene, the stress that handling everything with no help puts on me, and the fact that I don't feel like giving myself to someone who refuses to be part of the team that is marriage, and that when I hear him using his porn upstairs it disgusts me and makes me feel worthless. Totally not turn ons.
I've suggested tons of things that he could do to help and to improve our situation, like getting the debt info, or managing his self control but he just blows it off. I'm tired of his broken promises and lack of ambition. I'm tired of having the same conversations every month of me wondering if his car needs oil, or if he remembered to call someplace, and him promising he'll get to it. Until the next time it comes up.
He wants kids, but there is so much instability here right now. One, we'd actually have to be intimate, two, I'm not ok with bringing a kid into this world the way he is now. And three, I don't trust him with a 20 year responsibility if he can't even manage to remember to feed the cat when I have to go out of town. We've gone to counseling, talked to therapists, spent time apart.. He has only gotten worse. He doesn't realize (or doesn't care?) that everything is in my name because of his terrible credit and without me he would have no roof over his head, no car, no phone, no hot water to ...clear "himself" under while watching an obscene amount of porn... I'm unappreciated and it's hard not being able to trust him. For good reason, apparently; I looked him up online and found dating profiles, a social network page full of half naked women (out of character for what is on his other social network site shared with family but not horrible. He IS a guy), and a bank account he's been hiding from me. So much deceit...

So, sorry for the long and rambling history. If you've gotten this far, my questions are:
Why didn't any of this surface before we got married, even though I asked about it?
How can I bring it up without him shutting down and blowing me off? Should I ask him to leave?
I'm so strained, I don't know what to do or where to turn. Any input would be appreciated.
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First Helper secondtwin

replied December 28th, 2013
You can't possibly love this man. You don't have children - thank goodness. You don't owe him a thing. Sounds like he put on a really good act to trick you into marrying him.

My question is, why are you with him still? Good grief! Life is way too short. Move out and move on. That might sound harsh but you have no children and there is absolutely no reason for you two to be together.
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replied December 29th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Leopards don't change their spots; at least not very often though they sometimes fade over time. A person's basic personality tends to be set in stone but over time things chip away at it...

You had every reason to believe you knew the man you married well.

If a leopard does change it's spots, with a couple of exceptions, it is due to outside influences.

Either the man you married had degenerated into an unspeakable slob and had deliberately put on an act to trap you or some other woman into becoming his maid and personal assistant or some outside influence has caused the change in him since you married.

It is possible he thought he would like to be married but the reality of marriage and the responsibility along with his debt situation has overwhelmed him and his mind has effectively shut down and he tries to block it all out with other pursuits.

It is just about possible your personal chemistries aren't compatible. It isn't unusual that two perfectly nice people can be turned into scratch-cats when placed together in the same box so it isn't impossible that it is your own aura or chemistry that has caused the change, though I admit it is unlikely...

On the face of things such a radical change in such a short space of time, if I had to guess at the most likely cause, would be an addiction to drugs, alcohol, gambling or just about anything including porn.

Another possibility is he has suddenly become OCD.
OCD is not always about being clean or keeping things neat and tidy and in perfect order but can manifest in entirely the opposite direction so being hygienic and tidy is against his "religion".

Certainly his apparent preoccupation with porn considering you have been married such a short time, I consider both unnatural and undesirable.

Whatever you make of this the above reply is right; your investment in the marriage is relatively small and on the face of things he did misrepresent himself in order to trap you and your life is currently intolerable beyond duty and so you would be justified, wise even, to chuck him out of your life and curtail the marriage.

I hope you find this useful.
Good luck!
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User Profile
replied December 30th, 2013
Thank you both.

I confronted him about hiding money; I told him I genuinely thought he was saving to get me something for Christmas (I truly did think that) and was beyond hurt that he thought of only himself. We had a discussion and I'm giving him another chance to shape up. He has been made aware that I will not continue like this, and I hope it's enough to help him figure it out.
Your replies have helped me in that I know I'm not crazy. Thanks a bunch. I'll keep y'all updated.
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replied January 11th, 2014
it is better to consult a doctor, and also aks him to perform some home exercises.
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