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My Gran and my feeling of guilt

About a month ago my parents told me that my Gran who is in her 90''s had not been well and that her heart had been missing beats and if it was to stop then it has been decided that she would not be resuscitated. So over the last few weekends my parents have been making the long trip to see her and due to the long weekend I decided to go with them. I had not seen my Gran for 5 or so years and I wanted to make sure that i saw her at least one more time before it was too late as much for me as for her.

On the drive up there my parents had told me that i would find it difficult to hold a conversation with her as she gets very tired and find its hard to keep up with it. But that she seemed to enjoy having people around her (holding her hand+giving her hung’s) and that she would be listening in on our conversations.

Once we got there at first she didn''t recognize me but after my Dad told her a few times the penny dropped and I got a few smiles. The next day she was much better and she obviously knew it was me and without wanting to sound selfish this made me feel a lot better as i was able to sit with her and tell her what i have been doing since the last time i saw her. On the day we were due to drive back home we went to see her before setting off and she was on good form and very chatty. When it was time to go we said our good byes and i told her that I would try and come up to see her again soon as i said this she turned to me and asked if i ''promised'' i obviously said yes.

As I have said for one ression or another I had not seen Gran for some 5 years manly due to living and working in a different part of the country and if I’m honest being too raped up in my own life to make the time to go and see her. And this had lead to the way in which I’m feeling now. I thought that by going to see her it would somehow help me come to terms with what’s about to happen but if anything its made me more emotional about the situation. I can’t shake this feeling of guilt that I should have made more of an effort to see her and that I will not be able to make up for this.

Normally I would talk to my Parents about how i''m feel but I don''t want to discuss this with them as i''m sure that they are trying to keep a brave face on it and i don''t want to upset them anymore

On top of it all I’m not sure when I will be able to see her as I may have to have a operation soon which will mean I will not be able to travel for at least 3 weeks after it. Worst of all i fear that I will not be able to keep the promise I have made.
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replied April 26th, 2010
Even though you have not kept your promise I,m sure your grandmother understands.But if you can,t see her try,writing a letter or sending a card letting her know you are thinking of her .And please talk to your parents it will help.Don,t just shut them out.If you do you will really feel guilty.
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