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My father makes me so depressed that I want to kill myself.

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I'm 18 and I just finished highschool. I absolutely despise both my parents. Although I think about suicide, I don't think I'd actually go through with it. I just hate my father and my life so much.

I hate my so-called father because he is an awful person; aside from being sexist, racist and homophobic, he is verbally and physically abusive to me, my sister and my mother. Ever since I could remember he'd criticise everything I ever did; I honestly do not remember hearing a single piece of positive feedback from him ever. I was high-achieving in academics, sports and music as a kid but lately I've just felt no motivation at all. I'm currently sitting extremely important exams that will determine which university courses I can do, and they are really stressing me out. To add to that, my father has said in the past that I probably won't get into the course I want, or that I should aim lower, and that all my friends will definitely beat me. Even if he thinks that, why couldn't he have just kept it to himself? His comments absolutely crushed me and I just can't even be bothered to try in these goddamn exams. I also recently got a job interview at a company I've always loved and when I told him he gave me zero support. Not even a "good job". I feel like I've tried so hard in everything I've ever attempted and I've definitely come out above average in many of my endeavours, yet I have never felt like my father has been proud of me. He has absolutely zero consideration for others. He also once told me that he often feels depressed because of me. I feel like I am the reason why he is so unhappy and why he and my mother fight all the time. It hurts me so much and I want to just die.

I also hate being anywhere near him. He has been very violent towards me in the past when I was as young as 5. I remember once he choked me until I actually couldn't fight back and he grabbed me by the neck and threw me on the ground. He has smashed my things before and often just lashed out at me over very small things. One time I just changed the TV channel from whatever he was watching and he took the remote from me and hit me on the face with it. Lately he hasn't touched me because I stay a safe distance from him and also rarely speak to him, and I think it is probably too late to call the police for things he did so many years ago. But if he ever became violent again, I would definitely call the police and hopefully end my relationship with him for good.

I also hate my mother for not being able to stand up for herself and just divorce my father. I know they hate each other and would prefer living apart. They fight CONSTANTLY. I mean literally all the time. And they're serious fights about their marriage. They insult each other and throw extremely hurtful remarks at each other. When they're not fighting it's because they are either at they're separate jobs or sitting in different rooms doing something alone. They're always preoccupied with their own hatred for each other that they don't even realise how much it kills me. It's embarrassing and depressing knowing that the two people who are meant to love each other, and are meant to care for me, would prefer each other dead. I don't understand why they choose to remain together. If they think it's to protect their children, then they are so wrong. I wish they'd separate already so I'd never have to see my father again.

My mother is a good person, and she is kind and loving. I don't understand why she chose to marry and remain married to such a monster. I also wish they never had me. Neither of them are fit to be parents and I honestly wish I was never born. Things would be better for everyone if I had just never been born. I have suicidal thoughts every single day; when I'm crossing the street I think about running in front of a truck. When I walk past a pharmacy I think about just swallowing a whole bottle of sleeping pills. When I'm in the kitchen I just want to slice my arms open with a butchers knife. I don't know if these thoughts stem from all the emotional crippling inflicted upon me by my parents, or maybe I just have some deep-rooted depression. I don't really care, all I know is these feelings won't go away until my parents go away. And since that obviously won't be happening I just want to end my own life. I don't think I ever will. It's just that it's just a tantalising option.
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First Helper Sinc17

replied March 10th, 2013
Hang in there
I am so sorry. I hope things are getting better- I hope you have found a way out if the house and can find happiness in your life. Please try not to see yourself trough your father's eyes. Please don't give up!
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replied March 11th, 2013
Experienced User

Sadly, this is very familiar to me. I live with a full-blown narcissistic dad. My mom is also a good person, but she left on a very early age for me.

Ok, I'm going to tell you some tips. This is how I survived. I highly suggest you to tinker and twist my tips, rather then to copy & paste it. My tips are going to sound cruel, cold and unemotional. But I'm not like that, extreme situations just leads to extremity.

1. It belongs to child-parent dynamics. That the child wants: to prove his/her worth, feel loved by them, feel safe with them etc.
I stopped doing this, by simply thinking I've no parents. In reality, this is probally the case. This thought gave me allot of peace.
At the end of the day, I do everything myself. And I mean everything. I simply stopt believing in the lie that I had caring parents.
2. Desensitive from the words and non-verbal language of your abusive parent.
My dad is unethical, mean, abusive, unempathic, unemotional etc. For me, there will be no value to give them empathy, love or kindness. They won't give me that either.
Simply sad, there's no reason to care what they think or do. To not feel hurtfull when they do or say bad things. For me he's another meanie/bully in life, where I should not give thoughts to. He came to destroy, not to help and care. Situations like. In his mind, he can think he has won a certain debate or fight. But I've never participated in that fight or debate, and I don't care if I won or lose.
I focus on the good people on life, and focus a liiiitle bit on the UNCHANGEABLE bad people.
Ok I can type hours about this tip 2, but I hope you get my point.
3. After I've finished 1 & 2.
I live my own life.
I can't linger or change the past. I've only the future and the present, and I'm going to make something nice from it.

One note: having abusive parents could lead to a very high self-conscious. If you've this, stop that as soon as you can.
Also, it could lead to psychological issueses. Fix them.
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replied March 11th, 2013
I am in such a similar situation to you I literally thought I had wrote this post and forgotten about it. With me I stand up for myself when my Father is verbally abusive and this just creates further tension, the best thing to do is literally bite your tongue. Fathers want dominance and some want it too much, so the best thing to do it avoid him and be civil. Your Mum knows what she is doing and I hardly doubt that she hates him, if she did she wouldn't be with him. Trust me, I used to think my Mum hated my Father and then I realised it was just me wanting that so they would break up. But it's not fair forcing her into a corner cause you don't like him. Things will blow over and it will get better, as cliche as that sounds, because you're not going to be living with you parents forever (well I hope you won't). Hope everything turns out okay, and as for the wrist slashing please try not to, scars are a pain in the a** to hide at work and school. Though do try talking to your Mum, in a civil manner, and make an appointment at the doctors where you can discuss your feelings with her and the doctor... It made sound bad at first but once you start talking you can't stop! Seriously though, hope everything works out.
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replied August 6th, 2017
I have almost exactly the same problem. My dad is pure evil, he hates me so much and used to do things like hit me in the face and etc. My mum won't stand against him because she needs him to help pay the bills and to look after my little brother. I never ever stood up to my dad and I've always bottled up my emotions and kept them hidden but I recently started standing up to him because he gave me so much emotional grief I just couldn't stand it anymore. There was so much emotional grief that I've started to cut myself because I needed physical pain to numb the emotional one. I've thought about suicide since the age of 5 because of my dad and I don't think it will be long until I commit suicide. My dad is also homophobic and I am pansexual which also makes this more difficult as I would have wanted to come out to him but I'm now too afraid. It's just a matter of time before I kill myself and put an end to all this trouble.
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