hi, i have been living with my boyfriend for about 6 months (we were dating for about 8 months before that). i am 21 and he is 29. he is lovely to me and we enjoy being together however over the last few month or so he has started to lightly spank my bottom during sex. at first i just laughed it off as i hardly felt it to be honest but then over a few nights he started hitting harder and it really started to sting. i told him to stop and not be so rough and he apologised and went back to the lighter spankings which he now gives me each time we have sex

then last week he was on the internet and he called me over to look at a picture saying would you like to do that? i looked at the screen and it was a girl bent over a desk in just heels and stockings with a red striped bum and a bloke standing next to her with a cane in his hand! i just looked at him and said are you kidding! he shook his head and said no i really want to do that with you. i didnt know what to say and said i was going out and took a walk to clear my head.

when i returned he was off the net and watching tv. i sat next to him and said we had to talk about this fantasy thing of his as it had upset me. he agreed and said yes we do and apologised for upsetting me by showing me it without talking about it first. then i just went on about how he imagined that i would enjoy the pain of being caned (it must hurt like mad surely?) and he just said he thought it would be fun and he would not be hard with it! i told him not to be so stupid and blanked him out for the rest of the evening going to bed to read a book.

so thats where it is at the moment. i dont want to lose him by not going along with his needs but not happy about being caned either even if it is light! it worries me he has a fetish (is that the term for it?) or something after seeing this picture which may get stronger. what should i do? i can't talk about this with my friends or family as it is an embarrassing topic and cant make my boyfriend see how much this idea of his is upsetting me and our relationship is suffering as we are not talking much or being intimate in bed for the last week. i just dont know who to turn to so hoped someone here could help me with this embarassing problem
thanks, lisa
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replied August 31st, 2009
Well honestly what it sounds like to me is that these fantasies he is having is somewhat normal. If you do not feel comfortable doing them. Then make sure you tell him that and explain why. Do not be pushed into anything. Yeah sexual pain may hurt some but with others pain actually excites them. He may be thinking that he wants to spice up your sexual relation in the bed. But not thinking clearly as to what you would want. Maybe you two could sit down and discuss some fantasies that would be good for both of you but also fit your comfortablility level. Hope this helps Smile
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replied September 1st, 2009
giving it a go
hi theresa,
thanks for your advice. i am relieved that you think his fantasy is normal.. i was getting a bit concerned with it but we have had a chat about it all yesterday and we have come to a good answer i think. i also feel a lot better and relaxed about the whole thing now.. well as much as i can be!

being a bank holiday he wasn't at work yesterday so we had a big lay in and talked about it all while having a nice cuddle! what it come down to is that he really enjoys spanking me (no surprise there lol) and wants to take it further.. but he didnt know how to talk about it with me and showing me the internet picture of that girl was how he decided to 'break the ice' about it.. i said that it was a bit of a shock to be told thats what he wanted to do to me just out of the blue! he agreed and said he was sorry and we could discuss it all now..

so we did and what came out was he was really into this spanking/caning thing and even had a collection of videos of it! i was surprised but not too bothered as i know he likes internet porn like most men and i just let him get on with it.. i am not interested at all in it as it does nothing for me but it does get him going which benefits me afterwards! Smile

anyway i said this caning thing was no doubt exciting from his side but i didn't want to have the pain from it.. he said he understood but that was part of it! from what he told me about it apparantly the girl has to yelp from each stroke to make the activity exciting! i couldnt help but feel i was going to be the one suffering rather than enjoying this activity so suggested to make it bearable that he caned me over my denim shorts wearing my hold ups? he didnt go for this and said you wouldnt feel a thing and it wouldnt be worth doing it in that case..(yep back to me needing to yelp!)

he then said how about over your knickers? i said i'd feel it over flimsy knickers but he said well you wouldnt want it on the bare bum and that would be a good comprimise. there was no way i was having it on my bare bottom its true and he wouldnt agree to the shorts idea so after a bit of thinking and getting him to agree he would stop if i told him to i said ok to the caning.. he kissed me and thanked me for agreeing and said i would enjoy it.. yeah right!

then it was onto how many strokes to do (his fantasies take lots of planning lol)i said 5 he suggested 25! i then went to 10 (not enough he said) and then 15 and i said thats the most you're doing and he said ok. but then he said you'll need to count each one out as we go along! i laughed and said i bet he'd got that idea from one of his videos and he said yes he did. he said he is going to do the first 10 light and the last 5 moderate.. and moderate sounds like me yelping to be honest!

he of course wants me in high heels, black panties and black stockings as well for the event (this coming saturday night we agreed) i can supply the heels and panties but have no stockings as can't stand them really (much prefer hold ups) so i said you go and buy them for me if you want me in them! so he's now having to go out to buy them for me and he's paying too!

anyway i will see how it goes.. i know its going to hurt to some extent but how much i don't really know.. it will be a first time experience for me too but i will let you know how it goes and how much yelping i do! if i don't like it or it does really hurt that will be the end of it though and he does appreciate that.

oh and guess where he's getting the cane from.. our local garden centre! he said he's buying a dozen and saying he is growing some beans!

thanks,
lisa
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replied September 2nd, 2009
Okay, one thing to consider - start light. Do a little spanking first, it will increase blood flow to the area and lessen the chance of a bruise - when it's a little red then maybe go a little harder. You probably ought to come up with a safe word. Something that allows you to ACT like he's having his way but a word that he understands means stop NOW. There's also what you might call the stoplight method of telling him if what's going on is "okay". Green means fine, yellow means caution, red means NOT fine back off.

There's a fine line between pleasure and pain. Sometimes things feel so good it almost hurts and sometimes I guess a little pain can feel good? I suppose it depends on the person and the pain but it's not quite as whacky as it might have first sounded. Just be careful that he doesn't slowly want to escalate as he gets used to doing whatever he talks you into. Perhaps you ought to try asking HIM to do a few things like wear heels and get spanked Smile He might have a better appreciation for what he's asking of you and not be so inclined to be the only dominate. I guess really that would be my biggest fears - that he would come to want to dominate you and that he might slowly escalate things to a point you aren't comfortable but cannot go back.

NO, I'm not into this but I did happen to watch a fairly interesting TV show that kind of went in to some of the S&M stuff and while not a documentary the explanations seemed to make sense to me. Still not something I think *I'D* enjoy but I did better understand the mindset. It was an episode of Secret Diaries of a Call Girl from Season 1 I think.. Smile

Oh, if you want a forum to discuss this more in depth but not one filled with smut have a look at the tootimid.com forums. I've found that the discussions there can be pretty frank, that the participants are open minded, and it's not a p0rn site - the site sells adult toys and also hosts a forum <shrug>
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replied September 2nd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hey lisa_m
I seriously think you need to slow him down. I don't think you're prepared for a BDSM relationship. While you love and want to support this man you're intimidated by the prospect of pain and he's not doing a very good job of earning your trust. I strongly encourage you to read more into the role of pain in a sexual act to better enable you to process what you're going to experience and how it feeds his sexual needs as a sadist.

Also a bamboo cane is not a beginners tool. If you go from an open hand to a bamboo switch. 'mad' doesn't begin to express the kind of pain you'll be in. About the only thing I've endured that hurts worse was a bullwhip. If he hasn't caned girls before you may find the experience hellish. Until he has learned how to warm-up your body to pain and until you have some experience in dealing with it you really need to look at tools that have a broader striking surface like paddles or belts. If he wants you to indulge his sadism you have every right to ask him to be patient and let you work up to that glowing red rear-end that he fantacises about.

I do think you should look at this as an opportunity, not simply because of my experiences with BDSM, but because every time in life that you decide you're not into something is an opportunity for new possibilities in your life that you throw away. If you give it a try and it's not for you all it costs you is a sore bum. If you discover that you can orgasm just from having your rear caned then you've made a connection with your boyfriend on a level that took him 6 months to admit existed.
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replied September 6th, 2009
Be careful because when he does spank you he is in control and just because you have told him to stop doesnt mean he will i mean in all the excitment of it all he might get carried away and you wont be able to stop him..
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replied September 10th, 2009
first of thanks for all the replies and advice! well it went ahead but i have very mixed feelings about what happened.. i feel a need to share all what took place.. it might help me make some sense of it all and how normal it all is?

we actually went out with my sis and her hubby on Saturday night. we had a nice meal together and then on to a bar for some drinks. i hadnt seen my sis for ages as she has been really busy as now has a young baby (3 months old) to look after! my boyfriend gets on really well with my sisters hubby so we had a good time although i was nervous at what was going to happen later on but i tried not to let it show.

at about 11 ish my sis and hubby said goodbyes and set off home and we did too. in the car on the way home Bill (my boyfriends name) asked me if i was nervous about the caning. i just laughed and said nope it should be fun. well actually i didnt really feel that way but i wasnt going to let onto him i was nervous about it.

we got in and he said to go upstairs and get myself ready while he got us some drinks. i went to the bedroom and slipped off my dress, bra and holdups and pulled on the black knicks and the stockings he had bought me earlier last week. god they are so fiddly to get straight i know why i never wear them! anyway then i slipped my super high heels on (i dont walk in them i stagger lol) and gave my hair a brushing. while i was doing that Bill appeared in the room (with the cane in his hand) and handed me a drink. he said i looked very sexy and asked if i was ready. i said sure ready when you are trying to sound as relaxed as i could

we had arranged for me to be bent over on my dressing table for the caning and i walked across to it and positioned myself flat down onto it so my boobs squashed down flat against the top

he said something again about me looking really sexy like that and then said are you ready? ( i did suggest a hand spanking to warm me up with but he wasnt keen rudderless) i said yes and he reminded me to count each stroke (why is counting such a big thing?) then the first stroke hit.. it was light although still stung slightly but i just winced rather than cried out.. i called out '1' and then the next stroke came quickly after.. '2' i said.. it stung more and then a couple more came which got stronger and the fourth really hurt and i did yelp

i asked him to stop then which he did and i gave my bum a rub to stop the stinging.. i turned round to look at him and said that i thought you were going light to start with? he said they were quite light and did i want to carry on? i said ok but i wasnt going to stand too many more. he said ok just see how many more you can take

it carried on, he asked me to widen my legs out which was tricky in the heels and being bent over the way i was but i managed it, the strokes were hard to take and i cried out with each one, they stung like mad when they first hit but the pain eased while he left a minute or so before the next one. having my knickers on didnt seem to make the strokes any more bearable to be honest. i was carrying on counting like i was some kind of obedient slave (which i am most definatly not!).. he was striking harder with each one although he said he wasnt it sure felt like it. we finally got to 10 and i said just stop as i needed a rest from it. he said ok but i had to stay in position while i rested. i said i would. it felt like he was directing his fantasy and i was just going along with it. my legs were also aching from their stretched out position but i put up with it as i knew it would be over soon

i rubbed my bum with my hands and then had a sudden thought and said that if he wanted to complete the 15 strokes he would have to do all the flat chores for a whole week. i really thought this would put an end to it as he wouldnt agree to all that work but to my surprise he agreed! i then said ok do the last 5 and braced myself as he said these would be harder.. the next stroke made me jerk forward it really stung and then each one after was more painful.. he finally did the 15th and i just screamed F***!! at the top of my voice! it was that hard and painful. thats it i said and he said ok go and lie on the bed and i'll rub some lotion on your bum.

i got up and took a quick look at my bum in the mirror.. it had gone a deep shade of red.. i didnt linger on the sight and took off my heels and lay on the bed.. he then lay next to me pulled off my knicks and rubbed lotion over my bum.. it did sooth it to an extent but it still smarted and i had trouble sleeping that night. it also stayed quite sore well into the week and my colleagues at work wondered why i was fidgeting so much in my chair at the start of the week. if only they knew

anyway sorry if i've gone into too many details but needed to share what happened.. as i say i didnt get much out of it other than a sore bum but Bill loved it and has bought me lots of gifts this last week for agreeing to act out his fantasy for him. i did get satisfaction from seeing him happy but not really worth the pain i must admit

he also asked me if i wanted to have another caning session and i said no saying it was just too painful. he was disappointed but didnt argue the point but he now says the cane was too much for me and he wants to use something lighter like a paddle (Bill hasnt seen this post but i see this is something you suggested Wolf) i said maybe but i can see he is keen and really into the whole spanking thing with me so will agree to seeing how that goes. it cant be as bad as the cane i am sure. i love him dearly but just wish he would stick with the light hand spankings and be satisfied with that!

oh and i have disposed of the canes while he was at work on Wednesday. broken up and in the garden waste bin.. i am not enduring them any more

Regards,
Lisa
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replied September 10th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
*laughs*
Very cool Lisa you're really wonderful girl to Bill. I want to talk a little about a few things:

You need to communicate more clearly with your boyfriend, that is and important part of his experience and will help you stand a better chance of enjoying this stuff. If you're nervous tell him so, he needs to know. Counting is a control method but also it lets him know that you're not overwhelmed and your head is in the game. Following instructions he gives you quickly and obediently puts him at ease. Verbal response gives him information about your comfort and emotional state. I know Bill probably seems to be on cloud nine but if you're his first bottom then he's just as scared of this as you are. No more drinking. I know a few glasses of Irish courage helps get things rolling but it hinders your response and judgement. You need to be able to evaluate how you're doing to avoid injury and the endorphin response that will allow you to enjoy being spanked will be hindered by a little alcohol so in the end it will make the pain worse.

Even with a paddle your boyfriend is aiming for a cherry-red ass. It will be slower but still probably not slow enough to stop you from hurting. Stand firm that you want your bottom warmed up with some hand spanking. Help him find the next thing he's going to hit your ass with, your feedback is an important part of consent. The more rigid the implement is the easier it will be for him to control the force and direction of blows. Wide flat impact areas are going to reduce that sting that was so unbearable in the cane. Shorter tools will keep him closer to you and give him less room to build up speed, they also work well in the bedroom where things can get knocked over with wild swings.

It's probably not doing you any favors to think of this as a fantasy of his. If he caned you and immediately asked when he's going to cane you again it's a fetish of his. If you don't see yourself doing this for him every few weeks you're better off shutting things down sooner than later. Definitely give it a fair go but understand this isn't likely a phase and he's not going to get his fill of it and move on. If you're not getting anything out of it you have to tell him it's not working for you.

Quick thinking bargaining for the flat chores if he wanted to press on. Makes me think you've got more a head for this than you think. However it is important now that he holds up his end of things. BDSM is a lot more about delivering on promises than it is naughty sex. It is an important part of him respecting you as his bottom that he keep his word. Also be cautious to not let kinky sex become a bargaining tool to get him to do the flat chores. That sort of thing is just not going to be good for your relationship in the long run.

After he's done have him salve your rear with a lotion rich in Vitinin K and B to avoid bruising and reduce swelling. Massage stores are a great place to get lotions for this stuff. If possible wash with a glycerin soap afterwards. It can be very normal that you'll have a strong emotional reaction a day or so after a beating. If you feel angry or upset this week don't let it freak you out too badly. Spend some time close to Bill getting the connection and reassurance you need and you'll be just fine.

Let us know if there's anything else we can help with.
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replied April 12th, 2015
Would love to hear back from Lisa after all these years, did their relationship blossom or did spanking become an obstacle?
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