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My bipolar girlfriend of 6+ years just killed herself

I'm not even sure if I should be posting this, but I just need to tell my story. I'm not going into too many of the details, but know that this beautiful creature had a wonderful, warm and caring soul, but was overshadowed by what I called her darkness.

The entire time we were together, I didn't know she was bipolar. I'm not sure if she knew either. She was going through a very emotional and trying time, and whenever she would get in her depressive states, I thought it was this, and didn't connect it to bipolar. Looking back, everything is much clearer.

So I break up our relationship into 3 segments of 2 years each. The first 2 years were perfect. I was so happy and content with life, and it was her that made it so. I was so in love, and everything was so great I thought I was the happiest man on the planet. What could ever go wrong. The second 2 years were a little tougher, but she had stresses which were very unusual compared to what others had to deal with. I know she was victimized by people that hated her a lot. I always wondered how people could have so much spite for her, but now I know that it was the bipolar incidents which caused this. She would have her bipolar rants which lasted for hours. Didn't make any sense why she could be so upset about things she seemed to be upset about. I thought we were arguing so I was trying to argue back, but I had to scream for to even pause a little for me to say something. I would then say why are we even arguing. I used to tell her that she had a condition that whenever she's mad, and starts to open her mouth, she has a flap that closed over her ears. This was about the worse of it. It wasn't pleasant, and I would lose my lid over it at times, but I thought I could deal with it.

The last 2 years were hard. Very hard. The first not as much. She had a ton of stress, and I guess emotional traumas. She hated her job, and thought she couldn't quit cause she needed money. I offered to help out of much as she needed, and that she shouldn't stay with a job that she didn't like. Also, she had a wicked commute. She was basically gone 14-15 hours of the day getting ready for work, traffic, etc. She didn't sleep much, only like 3-4 hours a day, and she complained endlessly about it. She had night terrors, woke up drenched in sweat, and had panic and anxiety attacks. This is when I first caught her drinking. She always drank a little, a couple glasses of wine or a couple beers at night, but now I saw that she got drunk every once in a while. Not a big deal, hey I get drunk as well, but this was different. She would get drunk, and it would trigger an episode. This time, not just ranting, but crying and ranting and in a complete depressive state. The next day, she would be fine, but she always refused to talk about it. I didn't push the subject. Towards the end of the 5th year, she had a very emotionally traumatic experience, and it just made things worse. I tried to cheer her up by going on trips, and even sent her to Europe for 3 weeks, to visit family. While there, she had another traumatic experience which she downplayed to me.

Then in the middle of the 6th year, she finally saw a psychiatrist. She got prescribed an SSRI anti depressant, and that's when the spiraling out of control began. The first month was fine, then I guess after the drugs got into her system, she started drinking out of control. Hiding it from me, drinking hard alcohol instead of wine, lying about it and everything bad. Her rants started to turn to rage, and she started getting violent with me, hitting me (didn't hurt cause I'm much bigger than her) but nevertheless, I didn't know what to make of it. I tried calling her doctors, but no luck, due to privacy laws, I couldn't even find her doctor's name. I started to put her in hotels. I said I can't live like this, but I always took her back. I loved her. I talked about moving her out to a small apartment near us, so she can have a place to escape to if she needed. I said it, but I didn't do it. In anger, I kept saying that I wanted to break up, but I really didn't. I just wanted to get back to how we were. Whenever she wasn't in her hypomanic state, she was the most wonderful person in the world. She started lying to me whenever she was out in what I think was trying to get sympathy from me to take her back. I'm not sure but I don't think she noticed that I always took her back, and it wasn't the stories that she made up that made me take her back. During this time, she wasn't working, since she got terminated in what I can only blame the bipolar. I said it's for the better, and her only job was to get better.

So without going into the details, I'm sure everyone on here can imagine what it was like. The last time I saw her, she got drunk again. I said if you get drunk, you can't sleep here. I was still thinking I was dealing with my girl turning into an alcoholic, and not bipolar. If I knew it was bipolar, I would have acted differently, since I would have known she didn't mean it. She attacked me, ripping my shirt off cause I was video recording her. I grabbed her wrists to tell her to stop, then she bit my finger to let her go and it bleed a little. I threatened to call the police if she didn't calm down. She just got worse. I then called the non emergency number and asked how I could get a court order for mandatory alcohol rehab. The dispatcher heard her screaming in the background, and sent a unit. My girl left cause she didn't want to get arrested. I talked to her over the phone. She said she didn't remember anything, that her life was spiraling out of control, and that she needed to get back on her feet. Instead of being a nice guy, I scolded her telling her that she knew what she was doing, and what a nightmare it was being with her. Her battery died on her phone, and I couldn't find her. I called all the hotels but she wasn't there. She probably told them to not tell anyone she was there if I called. I never lost touch with her for more than 12 hours. Even when she was in this state, I always kept in touch with her to make sure she's ok, and comfortable. I was planning on taking her back. Then 2 days later, I found her keys in our place. She didn't have her keys. I was freaking out. How would she get in? I called the police and put a missing person report, but was told that since she's an adult, they're not going to look for her. I said ok, then the next day I went to the station and put in the report anyways. 2 days later I get a call from the coroner saying they found her body in a hotel she never stayed at before, and one I never called just 3 blocks away from where we live. She took her own life.

I spent the next 2 months trying to figure out what happened with her. Nothing really fit, until I started researching bipolar. Then EVERYTHING made sense. From the slightest things to the biggest. Then I realized I did everything wrong. I should have ignored the rants, and not take them personally. I should have stayed with her. I should have done everything I didn't do, and I shouldn't have done anything that I did. I have so much guilt that I find it difficult to cope with every day life. My life is shattered, and falling apart. I haven't been able to get back to work, and I fear I won't be able to afford living normally. I think about her all the time. I think about her pleading with me to come back home. I close my eyes and relive every happy time we spent together. I've gone to therapists, and they all say the same thing. It's not my fault. But the thing is, that it is my fault. I know that if I didn't call the police that time, she would be here with me now. She would have eventually cycled down. The doctors would have eventually diagnosed bipolar and she would have been given the proper meds. Everything would have worked out. When it came to her, I would have done anything, including dealing with how she was, if I needed to. I know now that it wasn't her, but her disease. I know now how I should have dealt with her. But it doesn't matter what I now know. None of it matter anymore. She was everything to me, and now I lost her. I lost everything. I have nothing that matters to me. I only want her back. But she's gone.
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replied February 15th, 2016
In my opinion and sorry to say this, but you was not the right person for her when she got this problems. It seems like, you puched her away exactly when she was more angry , you used words to hurt her emotionaly, you put her in the hotels, etc... all this just made her situation worse . You should better let her alone for a while, instead to stress her like this. You should give her a large break and without any words like " if you do that, you move out... if you do that again you go there... etc.." .
Also, you should talk the truth to her family about her situation and you should also try to go with her to a doctor, try to talk to her friendly and calm down, but I see you said you screamed to her , you pushed her away , all this made the things worse . The result of all this , was the suicide . She was ver stressed and had a difficult life, but I don't think so she was a Bipolar. The one who leaved her so many times, was you, not her. She has a depression , I think personality disorder also, but there are not things of Bipolar in her comportament, except the drinking part, which come also in other mental illness, not only in Bipolar. The communication netween you and her also was not the best one. There are many issues . And from what you say, I am sure you used a grave tone to talk to her in her most down periods . This all made things worse , as I said up.
You said she had some traumas in her life. Did you tried to go with her to a supporr center for this ? or to talk to a specialist together about this traumas ? You did not. Probably you was there just as simple pasive person in her life. She was need someone strong , someone who know to take the right actions to help her. But you tok the wrong actions, just sending her to hotels, then taking her back, repetitive times.....
Now all what you have to do, is to try to pass this trauma from your life, if you are really affected by her act. Take a long break and do not enter in relationship now, let at least 6 -1 year to pass . Try to control yourself to not screaming to women, to not push women away when they need help , try to control your way of acting.
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replied February 16th, 2016
First - I think she was bipolar. No need to go into the other symptoms, but there were definitely other aspects of her life that makes me certain she was bipolar. I also read up on borderline personality disorder, but didn't really fit, except for the unexplained anger. But in BDP, they call that splitting, and it wasn't as they had explained. I am certain it was bipolar. She was easy enough to handle, except when she drank too much. In the first years, didn't even notice it. The really noticeable stuff happened after she got on anti depressants without a mood stabilizer.

Nevertheless, I agree with you that I didn't handle it correctly. Like I said, I thought I was dealing with someone that all of a sudden turned into a crazy alcoholic. I couldn't make heads or tails of it. She would lie to me constantly about things in this period. When she drank, she seemed like she hated me, so I wanted to get a safe place for her. I said let's get a small apartment near us, so if you get upset, then you can go there where I'm not at. Maybe I can use it to go myself. You get the idea. I mentioned it, but didn't follow through. I also kept telling her she needed to go see her doctor but I didn't take her. She told me she didn't want me involved. I know now that I should have insisted that I be a part of it.

The trauma were emotional trauma and I didn't go to support for this with her. She didn't get any herself. I thought that was what she was getting when she went to the doc, instead of coming with a prescription for an SSRI, I thought she was going to come back with a schedule to meet with a psychotherapist. But I didn't handle this right. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to look for. I tried to get help from her doctors, but cause of privacy laws, they didn't tell me anything. I tried to get help from her family but they didn't help. I asked my friends, and they said that I needed to get away from her, that she's crazy. I have no experience with anyone with a mental illness, other than what I see on tv. I was just trying to lead a normal happy life with this girl, cause I loved her more than anything.

Taking her to hotels then taking her back. Everyone says that creating boundaries is fine, and in fact recommended by professionals... addiction professionals that is. If I knew she was bipolar, I would have read up everything about it, and done it differently.

But you are right. I drove her to do it. At the end of the day, it was up to me. Not her, ME. I let her down and now she's gone.
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replied February 16th, 2016
I have just posted myself today, my own story of finding out about bipolar during a relationship. It's so strange and bewildering at the time, It is only just falling into place in my mind too. Apparently certain antidepressants can make the bipolar cycle speed up and get worse. So perhaps it is more the fault of the fact she had been given these drugs without much professional support or a truly indepth diagnosis. None of that sounds like your fault at all.
Maybe you could go to a psychiatrist or dr and get a second opinion on if it was bipolar, based on her behaviours that you had noticed during the relationship. If it was, and you will know from all the reading you have done, then again, NONE of those events sound like your fault. Many people would be baffled and hurt by such erratic and angry behaviour from a partner.
I think that the person posting to your reply should not blame you in a situation they don't fully understand, especially when you are grieving and when you obviously cared so much about her.
I hope you can seek some counselling and see that it wasn't your fault, I feel for you in this situation. We all do things out of our usual character when we are stressed and hurt, and you weren't to know if she had bipolar. I understand from my recent run with it in my ex partner, that you often don't know till much later, if it was still undiagnosed when you met.
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replied February 16th, 2016
I tried to reply earlier, but not sure if it got through, the site is acting funny with my account!Smile
So i will write again incase.
I am very sorry for your loss. Who ever wrote in reply to your post, saying it was somehow your fault is both cruel and inaccurate. Mental illness seems to be constantly misdiagnosed by some health professionals. That is not your fault. Sounds like you really loved and cared for her. Being that you didn't know about the possibility of bipolar, you were reacting to a very hurtful and abusive situation like many would. It's not easy to have the person you love shouting at you and hitting you. And the condition can go unrecognised quite easily it seems. Please seek some counselling for yourself, that must be very lonely and hard for you.
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replied February 17th, 2016
I'm so sorry for your loss but you shouldn't blame yourself. You didn't know she was bipolar so there's no reason to beat yourself up about it.
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replied July 16th, 2017
I know you posted this a long time ago but I just saw it and wanted to comment...
I'm really sorry for your lose... I hope that over the past year got have found more peace and less guilt. I wanted to comment because I am bipolar and I do have a boyfriend, so I can relate to some of her actions. To be bipolar and not bipolar meds is hard! Even on meds it's hard and most definitely thoughts of killing my self come most when my boyfriend and me are fighting! But reading your story I think that the way you reacted to her was like anyone that was trying to set boundaries to try and have a somewhat healthy relationship, when it was turning very unhealthy (obviously with the cops coming ect.). I think you did the right thing even if at times you did show anger. I don't know the mean things you may have said but i don't think you said anything completely out of the ordinary of someone that was attacked. And the thing is you didn't know she was bipolar so you had no way of knowing she required another respond in that moment. How I will say again if you would have had another response knowing what you knew at the time it wouldn't have really been healthy to let her come back right away after attacking you! So don't blame yourself if you didn't know then you didn't know, end of story! Now I insert the fact that she was an medication bipolar and I feel for her and what she was feeling at that time. She loved you and hated herself for her actions that night. I'm sure she felt that the fact that you wouldn't let her come back validated what she was feeling about herself was true. So it's sad because that wasn't true but to her it was. Now i have to say tho, even tho she was bipolar you CAN NOT let someone bipolar get away with abusing you and having everything back to normal simply because they are bipolar. If you did that you would only be validated her behavior and making it easy for her to know she can get away with that. If she did continue with treating you that way and you just taking it I promise her self hatred would only grow and grow for herself because her behavior would continue and with her being a sweet person normally it hard to accept yourself when you aren't nice. So basically you would have been enabling her, which wouldn't be good for either of you! What was the best reaction you could have had (if you knew she was bipolar) probably just reassuring her that would talk later and reaching out to her friend and family to make sure she was okay. I don't think letting her come back would have been healthy bipolar or not. Anyways you didn't know. In which case reaching out to her friends and family over a fight would have been a little out of your place I think if we aren't dealing with a mental illness. Anyways my point is you did most things right! Unmediated bipolar is damgers and that's just the truth. The doctors she went to should have caught it because unlike you they know about the illness. How would you have known? Most people don't go around assuming their gf is mentally sick. To blame yourself isn't accurate. It's a choice to blame yourself even when it wasn't your fault. I think it's normal but it's not true. It's a tragedy, plain and simple. Accept it for what it is. And this is coming from someone that is bipolar and has struggles with major suidal thoughts! If it was your fault I would never take the time to type this! She knew it wasn't your fault to. She was overcome with dark hopelessness and acted to quickly on it. I'm sad she did because her panic would have passed (I try and remind myself) but knowing I'm bipolar effects how I react in those moments because I understand what is going on. She didn't understand herself and neither did you. It's unfortunate but it's impossible to know what you don't know. Remember that when you want to blame yourself please.
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replied July 16th, 2017
I know you posted this a long time ago but I just saw it and wanted to comment...
I'm really sorry for your lose... I hope that over the past year got have found more peace and less guilt. I wanted to comment because I am bipolar and I do have a boyfriend, so I can relate to some of her actions. To be bipolar and not bipolar meds is hard! Even on meds it's hard and most definitely thoughts of killing my self come most when my boyfriend and me are fighting! But reading your story I think that the way you reacted to her was like anyone that was trying to set boundaries to try and have a somewhat healthy relationship, when it was turning very unhealthy (obviously with the cops coming ect.). I think you did the right thing even if at times you did show anger. I don't know the mean things you may have said but i don't think you said anything completely out of the ordinary of someone that was attacked. And the thing is you didn't know she was bipolar so you had no way of knowing she required another respond in that moment. How I will say again if you would have had another response knowing what you knew at the time it wouldn't have really been healthy to let her come back right away after attacking you! So don't blame yourself if you didn't know then you didn't know, end of story! Now I insert the fact that she was an medication bipolar and I feel for her and what she was feeling at that time. She loved you and hated herself for her actions that night. I'm sure she felt that the fact that you wouldn't let her come back validated what she was feeling about herself was true. So it's sad because that wasn't true but to her it was. Now i have to say tho, even tho she was bipolar you CAN NOT let someone bipolar get away with abusing you and having everything back to normal simply because they are bipolar. If you did that you would only be validated her behavior and making it easy for her to know she can get away with that. If she did continue with treating you that way and you just taking it I promise her self hatred would only grow and grow for herself because her behavior would continue and with her being a sweet person normally it hard to accept yourself when you aren't nice. So basically you would have been enabling her, which wouldn't be good for either of you! What was the best reaction you could have had (if you knew she was bipolar) probably just reassuring her that would talk later and reaching out to her friend and family to make sure she was okay. I don't think letting her come back would have been healthy bipolar or not. Anyways you didn't know. In which case reaching out to her friends and family over a fight would have been a little out of your place I think if we aren't dealing with a mental illness. Anyways my point is you did most things right! Unmediated bipolar is damgers and that's just the truth. The doctors she went to should have caught it because unlike you they know about the illness. How would you have known? Most people don't go around assuming their gf is mentally sick. To blame yourself isn't accurate. It's a choice to blame yourself even when it wasn't your fault. I think it's normal but it's not true. It's a tragedy, plain and simple. Accept it for what it is. And this is coming from someone that is bipolar and has struggles with major suidal thoughts! If it was your fault I would never take the time to type this! She knew it wasn't your fault to. She was overcome with dark hopelessness and acted to quickly on it. I'm sad she did because her panic would have passed (I try and remind myself) but knowing I'm bipolar effects how I react in those moments because I understand what is going on. She didn't understand herself and neither did you. It's unfortunate but it's impossible to know what you don't know. Remember that when you want to blame yourself please.
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