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Mild depression , bipolar , anxiety ?

This is the first time I've been here but I found a lot of other people's posts to be quite similar to my own ordeals.

For a long time now I have sort of thought that I might be depressed (since I started puberty basically-when I was 12 or 13 years old). I experienced suicidal thoughts and intense self-loathing. These feelings came and went though and didn't entirely fit the description of depression because episodes did not last for more than two weeks and I still experienced high points. I am 19 years old now. It seems like the older I get, the crazier I get. I feel like I have a mixture of mild depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety right now. Now when I become depressed I seriously want to die and feel like life is pointless, but then become even more depressed because I know I am too chicken to kill myself. I do have a few happy times though. I have a boyfriend and sometimes I wonder if I use him to make myself feel better. And when things go wrong I blame him for everything. I feel terrible about it and wonder a lot of the time why he is still with me. As far as anxiety goes, I get so nervous when it comes to any kind of public speaking. For example the other day in my english class we had to go around and say what we were writing our research paper on and we got into a circle and went in a line. As it got closer and closer to my turn I could literally feel my heart beating in my chest. I told myself I was being ridiculous but that did nothing.
I feel like I have a mixture of problems but can’t pinpoint what exactly is wrong with me-if anything. I am so confused and need some insight.
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replied January 15th, 2010
Experienced User
xanax is a prescription drug, you should not be buying it and taking it just like that, that absolutely ridiculous! you should not be giving people advise like that!!!! firstly blackmagic i can relate completely to your story, i still have a kind of self loathing feeling now and im 26! but iv had these suicidal thoughts just like you, when i was younger, around the time i was about 13 14, never since then but i have had periods of serious not wanting to be here anymore lows where ill not want to see anyone, speak to anyone and will want to be totally left alone, i also get very angry periods and then times where im so happy but for no real reason, iv took herbal remedies in the past for panick attacks too, but to be completely honest there is no one that can help us with these problems but ourselves, what helped me over the years was getting to know myself better, understanding why i react to things the way i do, why i feel the way i do, and thinking about things logically, is it really worth being this angry about is it realy worth being this anxious about ect, who cares what other people think, your you and you should bloody well love yourself for it!!! which i have learnt, we are all individual, there was probably ten other ppl sitting in that class room that day waiting for there turn feeling exactly the same, i discovered this when doing exactly the same thing, i sat and i looked into the faces of those ppl whos turn it was, bright red faces, speaking as quietly as they could to avoid embarrasment if they were to stutter or mumble there words, its funny really, the things you worry about now you honestly will look back and laugh at when your older, you will get stronger i can promise you that! just like i did, if you ever need to talk, just send me a message x
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