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Manic Depression Support Places?

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- Don't know if I'm posting this in the right place, i think it's in the right place. Shout at me if it isn't and i'll remove it. -

My name's Emma, I'm 19 years old, and i have a lot of problems but what am asking is help on fixing it. I need professional help but i don't know what I'm doing, I'm incredibly stupid, I've looked about and I don't know what am doing so if someone could just exlain it i be really grateful. Just want details of if anyone could help me, professionally, in my local area and free. I don't have any money and so i can't afford it if it's pricy but I'm too thick to understand these stupid websites and people shoving things at me. Just want to get help is all i want but such a hassle, so if anybody can make it easier i be grateful.

Fact i gotta join a forum and ask around for help on finding something cos I'm devoid of a brain is really something, kind of pleb does that? Don't worry if you don't wanna help, makes no change from anyone else, probably doing some poor mug a favour from saving them from my whining.
So any information would be really great.
Sorry if i sound stressed, or cross. Is that i am is all. And just happens to be my personality to drag my poison over people I never met, typical me that, just go ahead and depress as many as possible, good job me, have a cookie, hope it chokes you.
Speaking in third person now, delusional freak that I am.

Kind of 19 year old thinks like that? When I sit there on a bus with 20 people and we have a minor accident and i sit there, full of disappointment, that my brains aren't splattered, not that there would be much of a mess, intelligence of a bag of snot. Incidentally is what i am, up at 4am whinging, crying like some pathetic tape worm over what? Depression? Is how pathetic I am, that a emotion can completely cripple me. Stupid girl. Hopefully I'll have a car accident and have proper reason to be crippled, am so ignorant, self-absorbed monster.

Am a christian believe it or not, probably don't, I don't care, irony is suicide is a sin and that's so so funny that God this ever loving power won't grant me the freedom of death but is more than happy to punish me if i kill myself, that's such hypocrisy, then the church can cast me down like some mutant just because i have a problem with it. But is that a scapegoat, sort of. Part of me doesn't want to jam a sharp object in my throat because I don't want to live forever, i don't want to go on forever, especially in Hell, so balancing it which is worse, but under the guise of christianity it's apparently worse down there, and am afraid that's where I'll end up, because it's a sin. Which is again, just as funny, I'm a self-loathing hypocrit, someone who can slander my faith and then turn around in the same paragraph and state this faith I've erased is the one thing keeping me breathing.. but hey, if you've read this far you'll of realised how hypocritical and ridiculous I am already, so that won't suprise many.

I'm not saying what's wrong, I don't wanna. I just want to get help on getting help. And by all means, reading what I've written, the words of a manic fool, high on oh so glorious nhs medication and a recluse sociopathic depressive hermit who spends her day either crying or praying for damnation, do you think there's even a point to 'rescuing' me? When's the point of no return? And why bother? I don't have a solitary member of my family left anymore, it's really ironic that i love the irony, it's almost amazing, the one person who prays for death is the one who doesn't get it.. true irony, can't say God doesn't have a sense of humour.
So again, why even bother? I mean it's just me, my mum still lives, when i said family i meant as in if they ever classified as such.. it's just her now though. Just me and her, just peachy really, it's again just as funny, 7 billion people on this earth and she hates me more than any of them.. ironic considering she had the nerve to birth me, paradoxical witch.
And no, no friends neither, course you saw that coming by now. Who wants to befriend someone who's a freak? Exactly, people look at me as that 'delusional lezzie with the screwed up home life who couldn't win anything if she was the only contestant'
2009 took my fiance and it took my brother and it took my house and it took everything and nothing has the right to replace that, how villianous does it make me if i smile or christ forbid laugh? What right do i have to enjoy my life with nobody in it? I don't, It's not living in the past, It's a refusal to allow myself progression when the people i wanna progress with aren't there, It's not living in the past, It's being respectful to their memory.
So, I spend my pitiful existence longing to be put out my misery, battling mother's self-righteous egotistical rear end, losing friends and winning enemies, and becoming more and more reclused in both my head and my house.

Yeah, I want help, but beyond that, what's there? How can a human being, as well, let's not define me as a human being as i live like I'm not alive i don't deserve that distinction, so let's refer to me as 'it'
How does It make any kind of life when there is a combined effort of zero support, no ambitions, no dreams, average grades, a distinct absence of intellect, no passions or hobbies, no career or job, no family, no friends, no nothing. How does It get better? Why be so desperate to be fixed when there's no reason to be? When i left the psyche wards, I was so happy, I was proud of myself for passing the evalutions. But then i got home, emptiness ensued, arguement's followed, health diminished. After a few hours back i realised all the desire to be fixed and home again was all an anti-climax. Kind of life can you say you have when life is at it's best when you're sad at best, at worse suicidal? The whole 'you get through it and move on to better things' is so fruitless.

Anyway, i sidetracked, unfairly. Said i wasn't gonna say my problems, not that i barely scraped the surface of them, just whinged really. I did say that was me all over, anyway, if you read this far you're a better person than me.. then again that isn't exactly difficult, way people quickly jump into hating me you'd think i was a bad person. Well, i guess i am, after praying for the things i do. Then again, I've never been in trouble with authority, i didn't smoke under age or drink under age, or have sex under age or hurt anyone, but yet people have this affliction with wanting to make me sad, and they do a great job, really, but hey it's fine so long as they're happy right? The whole hate me if it feels good attitude. So if you read this far and haven't begun to despise me yet, then i welcome your advice. And i apologise for the ridiculously long post, can consider it my first and last beside's maybe writing a thankyou reply to whoever doesn't butcher me in their response.. which if i know the world as i do, is not about to happen anytime soon.
Anyway, I apologise, thanks for reading.
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replied January 16th, 2010
Oh sweetie, it sounds like you are in such pain but I think you already know that. You've made the first step in a positive direction by asking for help. From reading your post I gather that you've lost some loved ones and the pain is just too much for you to bare on your own. You really need to find a psychologist to help you through this. If you need help finding one I would be happy to help you. If you would like to PM me where you live I'd be glad to do some searching for you. 2009 has been a horrible year for so many people. The only answer out there is for us to all help each other and hopefully 2010 will be better.

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replied January 17th, 2010
Thanks, live in Peterborough, south east England, anywhere around that area is ok. But probably shouldnt bother. Aint caring for it. Wanted at start to get by it but is disrespectful, so im not gonna or try, is just fine. dont want help anymore. but thanku.
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