Medical Questions > Relationships > Broken Hearted Forum

Man acting strangely when my friend reveals that she likes him

Hi People.

I have a female friend that is close to 50 and she recently told a guy that she "liked" him, now this guy is considerably older than she is and she's been single for 15 years since having her second child (she has 2)

They were acquaintances for 8 years chit chatting everytime they passed one another in the street so it was friendly. but then my friend realised that she "liked" him and sent him small simple gifts and a card or 2 until he said 'take it back, take it back' (a friend would deliver the gifts etc) and some time later he started hiding behind trees and supermarket aisles when he saw her and after a while she sent him a letter to reassure him that he didn't need to take these drastic actions to avoid her and what not.

To cut a long story short several of her friends have suggested that he might not be interested, he might be impotent, he might be shy or suffering an anxiety disorder, he might have had bad relationship experiences and some have been as harsh and said that he's a mental patient who doesn't deserve her time.

If it's possible could someone please give an objective view on this??
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replied October 1st, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
hi from from reading your post i am thinking that maybe he just doesnt want to be with your friend in that way am sorry to say even though she really likes him maybe he doesnt see her in that way, she should find someone who is gonna feel for her in that special way..jenny
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replied October 1st, 2009
Thanks Jenny.

I can understand the guy not wanting to be with my friend and my friend can understand this too but nobody can understand why he feels he needs to take drastic actions such as hiding behind trees, hiding in supermarket aisles and going a different way home when he sees her etc.

She has never threatened him or acted in any inappropriate way (sexually or otherwise) and she hasn't approached him since, so she kept her word on that, however just the other week he saw her in a supermarket aisle followed her to that particular aisle and walked past her but didn't give eye contact, then she did her shopping and proceeded to go home only to find him driving past almost straining his neck to look at her!

I'm not reading anything into it myself and I've even told my friend that second guessing and over analysing won't help the situation at all but neither will hiding behind trees or acting like some kind of fool in general, could he just tell her that he wasn't interested without going to such dramatic measures to avoid her???

I personally wouldn't continue wasting my time on this guy but my friend wants to know why he's taken these measures although she has accepted that there won't be a relationship.

Are there any experts on here as well that can give some insight into such behaviour? because to me that behaviour is a little out there to put it plainly and more objective views like Jenny's would be welcome as well.
Thanks
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replied October 5th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
What does it matter? He's sending a message, it's clear enough. He has a communication style that he learned through interaction with women or watching other men. It may seem silly but that's how he tells a girl no. A need to know the reasons why someone behaves isn't disinterest, it's a lot closer to obsession. Encourage your female friend to focus her energy on something else.
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replied October 5th, 2009
I try encourage her to focus on other things but she feels that something is unresolved but I don't know what and it's getting to the point where I'm getting tired of hearing about it but at the same time I try to be supportive.

You say that he's possibly learned this "communication" style through interaction with women or watching other men and that might be so but most men do not carry on the way he has, they do not hide behind trees or supermarket aisles and all the behaviour he's engaged in unless they have possibly been through something traumatic or possibly have some type of anxiety disorder, most average men even shy ones do not do these behaviours and although my friend is a little too preoccupied she is puzzled by this behaviour as are her friends that know about this situation, I've asked several male friends myself would they do these things if a woman told them she liked them and all of them have said NO they wouldn't go to such lengths and two of these men suffer social anxiety issues..the type you may expect to engage in such behaviours, I have a 15 year old half brother who knows about this and even he has said he would not hide behind a tree for example to avoid a girl and this is coming from a boy! so for all these men of varying ages to say they wouldn't do this would suggest that this man's behaviour maybe a little unusual and the only other reason I could think of for this type of behaviour is if someone felt they were in danger which is not the case here despite my friend's rather intense preoccupation..the bottom line is it is unusual behaviour for someone who isn't interested regardless of how you look at it.

I agree with you when you say she should focus her energy on something else and thank you for your post.
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replied October 5th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Perhaps he was born in another country with exotic norms of behavior, or on another planet. Maybe he had an uncomfortable incident with a woman and an axe that has traumatized him as an adult. Perhaps he was raised by trees and takes comfort in them in times of stress. Maybe he expresses emotion in a way that's prevents a confusing facial configuration and what you percieve as fear or discomfort may be admiration or longing, Maybe your female friend did something massively creepy and invasive to him, unbeknownst to you, and now he is unnerved by her for every sensible reasons. The only thing you can safely assume is that your male firend's behavior makes sense to him. If you want to know why someone behaves in a particular manner the only way to get to the bottom of it is to become classically educated in psychological analysis and interview them in person. Otherwise you're speculating about abstracts that aren't going to give you meaningful answers.
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replied October 5th, 2009
Maybe all of that did happen and I do feel that she came across too fast and too strong and that would scare someone off.

I just wish this would end.....
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