Medical Questions > Mental Health > Depression Forum

making and keeping friends

Hi all,

New member here.

Anyways, the topic title is pretty self-explanatory. I have pretty much no friends and am constantly lonely. I'm 23 years old and should be enjoying my youth but rather, I’m upset all the time and feel like I have no one.

I wasn't always friendless. In school, I was in the 'popular group' and then I had some personal issues and started to use food as a sort of therapy. As I put on more and more weight, I started to become a different person and lost my self-esteem and confidence. I started losing contact with people because I became kind of boring and by the time school finished, I didn’t really keep in touch with anyone except one person.

When Uni started, I only found out news about the group through this one friend. She was pretty much my only connection to them. I mean, when we all went out as a group, we would talk and have fun but it’s not like we would call each other or do things alone. If I ever saw the others, it would only be because of that one friend.

After more and more time, people started to change and we drifted further apart. I did however, become closer to that one girl and we became sort of best friends. In my eyes anyway. We had tonnes in common and I felt we were like peas in a pod. However, I was often lonely back then too as sometimes, I’d be left out of outings. I’d find out about them later and cry. However, things with that one friend were generally good. She was fun and we had good times together.

A couple of years ago, I did her over pretty bad. I betrayed her in a big way and she never spoke to me again. I was destroyed. I don’t know why I did what I did. It was definitely not just one thing, but a mixture of things and emotions. Anyways, we haven’t spoken since.

For a while, I was deep in depression but then I just seemed to get out of it and felt a lot better. I got a job and started meeting people. I became much more outgoing in order to make new friends and was invited to things etc. I was often happy.

Thing is though, now I think those ‘friends’ I met at work are sick of me. They don’t really speak to me that much anymore and sometimes I find out that there were parties on that I wasn’t invited to and that they do things but don’t include me. And again, I get hurt. I don’t understand why this happens and why they get sick and tired with me? I’m a fun and outgoing person but it seems I can’t seem to really make and keep friends. I don’t know what to do?

My weight issue has gotten MUCH worse since I’m often lonely and have no social life. I feel very self-conscious and get intimidated by people and situations a lot of the time. I have tried to work on my weight but I keep failing and it‘s so frustrating because I want to change so bad! I feel like I am in a really bad place in my life right now.

I have to mention that I do have one friend that I keep in regular contact with. She’s a good person but we don’t really mesh that well. We’re different in a lot of ways and like different things. I enjoy her company but NO way near as much as the other girl I was friends with before. We don’t really see that much of each other either. Maybe once every 2 weeks or so.

I still regret what I did to my friend and keep dwelling on it and it’s driving me nuts.

Also, I have problems with holding conversations sometimes. For example, sometimes I find I have nothing to say to the other person and then it gets awkward between us and I hate it.

I don’t know what to do. I’m in a bad situation and I need help.

Can someone please offer me advice in terms of making and keeping friends and possibly tell me what I could be doing wrong when I end up boring them?

Sorry for the HUGE amount I’ve written but I needed to explain it all and get it off my chest. I hope someone has some advice for me!


Thanks.
Vanessa
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replied September 6th, 2008
Community Volunteer
Vanessa,

How terrible...if they were your true friends they would accept you as you are and a true friend would tell their friend (you) if you were over-stepping your boundaries, etc.

Let's see, if I woke up in your shoes...and my major concern is my weight...I would join a YMCA or another gym, like Curves...as you state that you turn to food when disappointed. This is not a good trend, weight goes up and you'll feel worse, vicous cycle...needs to be broken. Anyway, by going to the gym, and if you can afford it, hire a trainer as well, trust me when the weight begins to disappear your confidence will rise and you would probably make new friends during this process.

True friendships are hard to find....don't try too hard and when it 'clicks' with someone else...you will know. Also, friends can anger each other, make up and move on.

~Zig
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replied January 8th, 2010
vanessa I have the exactly same problem as you, but im a boy instead. I feel like I could hang out more and stuff, have more friends...i'm actually a good looking guy but still, i have no close friends or whatsoever, i had friends in school but all followed diff paths. all i got is my cousins ( wich i love alot) i had a girlfriend but broke up after few months. I see my other cousins with their own friends (school m8's, etc)going out etc. And i find myself alone with no one to call out at night to go have a drink or anything, only my cousins and sometimes they'r busy alrdy with their own friends. i dnt receive many calls from any1 also. i dont wanna sound too "emo" but thats what i feels and i just wanna break everything apart..now i feel like i dont wanna have any1..i just dont care..and just be alone and do my stuff. i tryed to get closer to people, but i dont wanna seem like a parasite also like asking ppl togo everywhere with them etc, i want them to need my presence. I'm also a very fun and social guy, i dont know whats the problem rly. maybe they find me funny at the point to get annoying? never wondered that before tho...anyway, screw this, i love my familiy, dad, mother, sister, cousins, i won't "beg" to have friends, that is redicoulous, ill just be myself and if they dont like me, who cares rly..
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replied October 28th, 2010
peter,

I know how you feel bro. And the truth is you shouldn't have to be someone else. Because you are you! I used to be so depressed because I didn't have any friends. There are a bunch of things I have learned over the years though that has sure helped me have alot of friends with long lasting relationships without having to change who I am. So there is hope man!

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