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Major Depression / Chronic Anxiety

I haven't been thinking clearly nearly at all for the past three weeks now. My mind just won't seem to work how I want it to. How my mind used to work was that I'd look at or hear something, question it in someway and answer it with some sense of humor; over and over again or sometimes just go off on a tangent. But nowadays, almost every thought that sprouts in my head begins to fade. It's like I'm writing a term paper and trying to make sure everything is in perfect order so as to receive only praise. But the pressure I put on myself to be funny, quick, and witty is so colossal I almost always give up, because... life. isn't. a. term. paper. If I don't think of something fast enough then I've missed my chance to say anything on the matter I was just focusing on so intently, because, well, it's already old news. Or maybe I do come up with something to say but how I voiced it then becomes the problem. Every word sounds forced, and weak, and desperate, and it's obvious that it's because I'm trying to hide my insecurities in these simple everyday situations. And this whole process will go on for a while till I hit a point where I stop trying to think of anything and just wait for a coherent thought to just magically come to me. But when I do that everything just seems to unfold in front of me, no thoughts really seem to surface or even sink in for that matter. I begin to feel dull and stupid, and I wonder what happened to me, I wonder who I am and what I'm here for. And I think about all the bad things in my life that have made me so different from the friends around me. I think about how no matter how hard I try to focus on the present I am always pushed to the past or the future.
When I'm alone my defense mechanism is to try and find something to do, I have control over my body; I can pour myself a glass of water, play basketball, piano, videogames, juggle, whatever... but why can't I just be? Why can't I enjoy myself so others can enjoy me? I'd love to chat, be the man telling the stories and making jokes, just holding a conversation longer than a couple minutes. Just a few years ago I was that guy, but I've changed in what I perceive as for the worse. I'm told these experiences will be somehow beneficial to my future, but it's hard to see how the possible pros of these experiences outweigh the cons. How can "knowing what it's like" possibly be worth four years of suffering and isolation? I've attributed my trouble with sharing my feelings and thoughts in a normal way to my father and my brother. My brother because of the secrets that I've had to keep in for the past 7 years (he exposed himself to a little boy he was babysitting because the kid asked him to when he was 16, this knowledge haunts me and I've been having to mediate everything between him and my mom since then), his own anxieties that he seeded in me as a teenager, and the constant mocking throughout our childhood. And Dad because his dedication to his work, while admirable, has in my eyes taken away his ability to truly take joy in the everyday stuff and has erased any idea of how to shoot the crap, for the lack of a better word. But I guess this is really a nature vs. nurture scenario and yet still I love them, I admire my dad and no matter how much of a !**@! my brother is I still think he's hilarious. I don't know for sure if their imperfections rubbed off on me or if I was going to be this way no matter what, I just wish I could pinpoint a certain thing that is making me this way, fix it and get on with my life. All my issues, since there is no one task or singular event for me to get over, make the idea of a bright future, darker everyday. Because what if my chemistry has been designed for me to suffer like this for the rest of these days. Whether it be out of intellectual, existential, sexual, physical, or social frustration, all of which I have problems with, no words I concoct have resolve or comfort for me because it's what I do that matters in the end. I have few things of little significance to show for in my short life, therefore nothing to reassure myself that I have a promising future. I have no idea what significant thing I want to do with my life, all I know, in the simplest of terms, is that I want to be a funny, confident, smart, attentive, and loving man and to apply these attributes effectively at the right times during each day. But I just can't seem to find the rhythm in the relationships with my friends, family, or even myself. For all these problems, the large ones, and the smaller ones, I feel like if I could at least have my sense of humor back the other problems wouldn't seem so bad and would make them a lot easier to solve. I don't understand why I can't "just do it". It always worked for me in the past, just get over it and go on with you life and be happy was my philosophy. Over the past three weeks (today being February 10, 2010) I've just feel so debilitated almost retarded or crazy or crazy retarded. I don't even want to hang out with my friends because I don't want them to see me like this. I've resorted to this forum because I desperately need the opinions of others and I"m much better at writing these things down then talking about them, so, please whatever advice or theories you have about my predicament would be appreciated. (I may be opening a can of worms here by releasing this information but I want you people to know all the facts to better help me)
Important things I haven't done:
- I've never had a girlfriend
In order to do this I need to be in good shape and I need to be in good mental health.
- I haven't found a passion for learning about a subject in full. I just really want to find a major in college that I can be happy with in the future.
- Quit smoking weed and cigarettes
Experiences of Near Insanity
- Age: 17
I was with a friend in Ohio and we bought Salvia 80x. When we smoked it in the woods, within seconds I started laughing uncontrollably. Then I started physically spinning in circles losing my balance, I actually said, "I can't stop!" and fell to the ground at this point I lost all sense of rationality for the first time ever in my life. I thought the world was ending and the way it ended was so strange, it was like it god had suddenly decided to pull the curtain and decided that this random point in time it was over. There was no Armageddon or apocalypse god just decided it was over. I was so confused and scared and I guess I found it so unfair that I was yelling and almost crying uncontrollably. This all happened over about 7 minutes and then I was fine and back to normal but definitely shaken by the experience.
- Age: 18
I just graduated from high school with flying colors, getting accepted to Syracuse, Emerson, and VCU. I moved just moved back to Virginia from Ohio after being gone for two years. The whole summer I was anxious and a bit depressed feeling like I had changed so much (being much more introverted) over the past two years and experiencing feelings of social inferiority to my old friends. But my best friends were still excited to have me back and wanted to have as much fun as possible while we could. They suggested we do shrooms and so we did. At first I had a great time, but then they wanted to go to a party where a bunch of people I used to know were. We rode bikes there and on the way I started to feel anxious. Once I got there I recognized almost everyone friends and people I merely just remembered from years ago but had never talked to. I felt so strange, so out of place and then a number of people noticed me people I was actually pretty good friends with I just hadn't seen in a long time. They all started to hug me, and for some weird reason this freaked me out, I had no clue what to say to anyone and in fear of my friends seeing me like that I left without telling anyone. Riding my bike was pretty difficult now, and at one point I couldn't see anything (it was nighttime of course). So, I got home and tried to avoid my parents. I needed to something to drink though and proceeded to pour myself a glass of orange juice only about 10 feet away from my father. I got out of there fast and went to lay down in privacy. Inside my blanket, I contemplated what had happened to me, constantly depressed and loathing myself in comparison to how I used to act. Like my salvia trip, I hit one moment of complete utter irrationality. I was in my blanket and actually felt lost inside it. My head felt like it was where my legs were and my legs felt like they were where my head should be and I was trying desperately to get out of this blanket (a very odd experience). This lasted for about 30 seconds I'd say. After that my friends called worried and just wanting to come get me and chill. I was reluctant to do so out of embarrassment but I finally did. After that I was more relaxed just out of it.
Age: 19
After a year and a half I felt like with the help of antidepressants during college, my depression and anxiety was going away. Two of my friends from the past shrooms trip came to visit me at my house in Richmond. I was more confident and building a personality that enabled me to enjoy myself even by myself. They suggested shrooms again, and I expressed my worry in reference to my last trip. But they assured me that this time would be different. I was a bit skeptical but due to my good feelings as of late I said alright. The first couple hours I was having a great time, everything was hilarious and I was joking around; I felt like I was on fire. Then I started to notice my one friend almost looking insane, and over the next few hours saying weird things. I started to get depressed, because he used to be a great guy, he still is he's just a little nutty. Over time I began to resent this and then began to feel strange. My other friend was talking constantly, but neither my crazy friend nor I were talking much anymore. My one friend must've noticed this change and he seemed to react to it by saying at one point "I mean we're not normal". This struck me deep for some reason. I felt like well if he's saying it, then it must be true, I must be one of the strangest people out there. For the final 2 hours of trip I became extremely detached and incapable of being happy or doing anything for that matter. I didn't really talk at all and just laid there smoking and fidgeting for the first time which was weird; I was just very agitated. My friend even said at one point that I was, "snooty" that really struck a nerve even though I said nothing, I started to believe him. I eventually tried going to bed and that took quite sometime because of depression and inability to stop thinking about how badly the night turned out. The next morning I still felt weird but capable of speaking. Anxiety and depression were getting the best of me again. The anxiety was now making my every movement, every word fidgety and just flat out strange. It's been about three weeks now since that trip and I still don't feel even close back to genuinely enjoying a single moment. Every day is a struggle to get out of bed.
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replied February 16th, 2010
What's in a Friend?
One thing that I think you should think about is what you expect from a friend and what you expect to do for a friend. From what I've read, it reminds me of a friend of mine who lives down the street. His friends convinced him to go to the movies, sit in the back, and smoke weed. The thing is, they were rude and harsh to him. He was being a friend to them, but they were not being a friend to him.

It's alright to not be friends with someone, especially when they make you feel like you are a terrible person, strange, or worthless. Those types of people are not friends and don't deserve your time or friendship. Go places you want to be and make friends there. Don't go places you don't want to just because they once used to be friends.

What do you expect from a friend? If those you are calling friends do not fit that definition, then they really aren't friends.

As for college, don't worry about finding a major just yet. Take some general classed like English, Math, Science, etc. and look around at the different classes. One thing that I did was sit down with the list of all the classes and a summery of what they were, and highlighted all the classes that sounded interesting. Then found out what Majors have the most of the classes that seem interesting. Pick your top three Majors and take some of the beginning classes before announcing your Major. Most Majors require electives and these classes can usually count as those if you find out that it isn't something you want to do. I have been a part-time collage student for a while and I only figured out what I would like to get my Major in this last year, three classes from a general degree! So I'm going to get both! Dual-Majors are useful too. Most people change their Major halfway through, so feel free to pick up a few and decide on the one you like the most.

Also, what you get a Degree in is very rarely what you end up with a carrier in. My Mom got a Degree in Child Psychology and builds Websites! The point is to have a Degree, because that shows your ability to plan what you want and get it. It's a way of showing that you can be committed to something to the end. That is something that many companies are looking for.
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replied February 24th, 2010
anxiety
Clearly taking drugs has f*ck-d up your mind, and you have to stop.
You need to find something that you enjoy doing; that vents the frustration and fears that boil up inside. Exercise is the best course of action. It will help regulate the release of seratonin and endorphins so you'll feel physically better and will help focus your mind.
The whole questioning yourself thing is something that will die down when you can focus your mind.
Also, if you're feeling strong enough, you should go through what's been happening to you internally. Trawl through your mind and deal with what it is that's causing these feelings. Read philosophy and study some psychology. Only do this if you feel strong enough to face it though, otherwise it will make you feel worse.
Just don't start feeling sorry for yourself.
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replied March 29th, 2012
I feel like I can identify with you. You use drugs to escape to some degree. I do to. I am 17 and I'm fairly attractive and I recieve a good amount of attention from men.
I have never had a boyfriend, I can stop smoking weed and cigarettes although I have cut back and I am 18. For the past two months since I have moved out and lived on my own I cannot interact with people like I used too. It's embarrassing and I feel ashamed of myself. What have I let myself become? I have had a few insanity moments, I even tried to kill myself once. This depression is ruining ky life. I should seek help and you should too. Thank you for posting this.. I felt alone and crazy until I read it. You describe a lot of what I am feeling and have felt. That detachment from others is hard to deal with..
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