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Ive been receiving mental health help including meds for the past 4 years i was first diagnosed in high school but my parents refused to believe it, until i ran away at the age of sixteen not only due to mental health issues but also abuse. i came back because my family needed me to help out my dad was shipping out to Iraq and my mom had no job. i did what i could but the drugs took over my life again (they were what i used to escape the voices and the delusions i had been a heroin addict since the age of eighteen) and it was only a while until i landed myself in jail 3 different times after being out for only 2 or 3 days. in jail i was re diagnosed. i spent a month or so in solitary confinement where i was allowed out of my cell for only 1/2 an hour a day. the doctor there diagnosed me as being bipolar with psychotic features including paranoia and leaning towards hyper mania and social anxiety. i think my stay in solitary encouraged my mental health to disintegrate even further. i have been out of jail since Oct. 14 07 THANK GOD FOR CMH (community mental health) or i would have been right back in jail i received a referral to a center for help on an out patient basis and no matter how many drugs i had to try to get the right combination i stuck in there was hospitalized twice because of being a threat to me and others id pulled knifes on people and then would just drop the knife and start crying. i thought i had found the right combination of medication finally Ive been ok for months the voices they come and go as do the delusions but they don't run my life anymore and in the past few days Ive been slipping back into that psychotic state i see my doctor soon so i will share all of this with him but its like the delusions are overwhelming i have to rationalize with myself no ill kill myself tomorrow and when tomorrow comes i do it again i know im probably going to be hospitalized again but its just really getting to me i feel like there's no way out of this h--- that everyone's watching me applause that im falling on that downward spiral, im having flashbacks to being a kid. im hiding it very well ive only told my mom and she agrees that i should see if the doc can hospitalize me cuse if he does CMH foots the bill and i have no insurance. im just this is not fair i thought finally i was almost able to fit in with people and string together thoughts i was calming down but now im just so depressed i dont know what to do and to top it off i haven't worked in 4 weeks because im physically sicker than ive ever been in my life my eyes ears and spine are sending the wrong nerves to my brain so i get dizzy and fain when i stand up or sit up lie down or im just walking and there's so much more that's leading to this messed up place im in to say the least i dont know what to do until i can see the doc im scared of calling a crisis line last time i did that it didnt go so well. anyways im sorry i needed to get it off my chest its not all of it but i cant calm down i cant stop shaking im sorry that i wasted your time if anyone even bothers to read this if its not deleted like everything else i do is. im sorry for wasting your time i dot know what to do till i see the doc im in a void and im scared and alone and sorry i ever put myself here, i gotta build something to get me out of here i cant just keep exploding every time something happens i cant go anywhere without people knowing whats in my head and they all all of them are watching me. i dont know why im here i thought helping other people with there problems would help me but it just made me write i guess i sabotage myself sometimes. glance
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replied September 4th, 2009
Advanced Support Team
Nothing reconnects me with reality like nature. I know this sounds corny, and quite over-used, but I highly recommend that you try to spend some time alone in the wild, especially around water.

You are not alone, and probably understand the irrationality of modern society much better than most.

Don't give up. Fix your eyes on a goal in life, and you will find that little by little your problems will subside in favor of attaining something greater.

Good luck.
-Daniel
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