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Living with bipolar spouse

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Is it worth saving?
I have been married for 14 years and have 2 daughters(13&9 ys). I have a permanent job, while my husband is in business. For the last 20 years, he has had about 12 business, each and every business resulted in losses. Around 5 years back, he suffered huge losses, which were paid off by his parents, my parents& brothers. I also had to take loans from the banks. Earlier also, all through my marriage, I have been supporting him in his business by taking loans either through my contacts or from the banks.
The house where we are living at present, was purched by us around 6 years back. It had to be taken in my name because of the mortgage. The same happened with the car also, as he wanted a big car, and again it was taken in my name because of the loan. Apart from these I have taken personal loans for his business.All the loans are standing as they were, with the exception of the housing loan, which I pay as per my capacity. Most of the times, I take care of the household expenses, the kids school fees etc. My husband says that I do not do anything special as this is my duty.
He is a bi-polar, more on the side of depression. But when the manic phase starts, he stops talking to me for long periods(4 months on one time & 3 months this time). He has never been a support to me. When he is in mood, he can become very lovey-dovey, but when otherwise, he will not even look (even if I am sick or I genuinely need his help). It has been a mental torture for me to live with this man. I do regular meditation, and that has helped me keep a track on my mind. I think about my children's future, the male role model they are getting, as well the toxity at home. I want to make them immune of all these things, and also want to give them normal childhood.
He has the gift of gab, which he uses to his advantage. All through, he had been manipulating me emotionally, but now, I don't want anything more of it. Now I can see through his lies, his techniques of manipulations and his way of trapping people. He does not speak to his parents, his siblings, his partners, and many more people. I really don't know what to do to safeguard my and my children's interests.
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First Helper bunky2706
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replied December 5th, 2009
Hi, I am in the same boat as you are and don't have any answers because I am wondering the same thing-How to get out without my daughters having too much turmoil. He has only had one manic episode but he is very self-centered and like you explained, the mental torture and of course everything is my fault. He is having a phone relationship with an old girlfriend and I finally told him I wanted to be apart. Now it is my fault that the girls know about this girl and I am causing the damage. He won't just leave. He is the main wage earner but I have a job at home that is parttime that can become full time. He thinks I couldn't be able to take care of everything. I want peace, that is all and that is the only way to get it. I fell and broke my leg a few weeks back. I called and told him I fell, that it was probably just a ligament and I was going to the hospital for x-rays. As it turned out it was a very bad break and had surgery and now on crutches for three months. He never called back to find out what was up and I couldn't find him for 2 days. I said I can't believe you did call back to find out how I was and he said he couldn't believe I fell down a hole. This is not the man I married. For my own sanity I want out but don't know how to do it. We don't have much money. I have family though and friends.I could go on and on but really feel stuck. Karen
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Users who thank pdemo1 for this post: lookforans 

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replied December 5th, 2009
It is strange, I also had a knee injury and my ligament was torn.For the last 5 weeks, I have been prescribed bed rest by my ortho, but not even once he has asked me what had happened. He has never been a support to me.
Elsewhere on this forum, I got some real good posts, which might be of benefit to you too.
"Ask yourself what will bring you the least amount of pain:
staying with a guy who does not make you feel wanted and
worthwhile, drawing out the pain and anguish indefinitely,
or ending it with him and have the pain of losing him be
short-term? Yeah it'll hurt a hell of a lot...but staying
with him will slowly erode away the essence of who you are
and what you aspire to be, which is a healthy, confident and
assured woman.

I'll share with you my own list. Yours may be differ...we
all have our individual thresholds of what we can and will
tolerate. If you and your bf/spouse are openly communicative
about his illness you can share the list with him. I shared
it with mine and he was so grateful. It made him feel as if
I genuinely want to give us a shot, and I do! Keep it to
yourself if you don't feel comfortable talking to him about
it. Tuck it away where you can take it out and go over it
now and then. After all, this list is for you and your
emotional well-being.

Common or frequent episodes of:
o verbal abuse
o manipulation or attempts at manipulation
o dishonesty
o not taking meds (shows he has no interest in helping himself)
o self-destructive behavior (drinking, drugs, other
dangerous past times)
o threatening or attempting suicide
o refusal to take responsibility for his own actions
o unfounded/paranoid accusations
o employment instability (out of work for long periods
without trying to work)

ANY episode of:
o physical abuse
o infidelity
o arrest for a crime
o verbal threats of physical harm
o gambling all money away or otherwise losing it through
impulsive decisions, creating huge financial problems for
himself and others
o stealing
o refusing to get help when others around him insist he needs it
o disappearing for days at a time

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you
hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Be the strong woman you were meant to be and take control of
the reins. It won't always be easy but after the dust
settles you will be so proud of yourself and love who you are.
Don't feel guilty for leaving him if he crosses a line
you've drawn. Physical abuse, emotional manipulation,
cheating, etc. are NEVER ok. Remember: he is still
responsible for his actions.
You cannot help others in this life until you can help
yourself."
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replied December 7th, 2009
Thanks so much. I feel like I am on the verge of not being able to tolerate it anymore. After telling him I was going to file for D at the beginning of the year, he came home this a.m. after his weekend work and did a lot of work around the house to help me and was affectionate. I see this as a manipulation so that I will keep tolerating his actions and he can go on doing as he has been. I am not falling for that anymore. When the time is right I will be on my own.

Oh, yeah, I could check off just about all of those and some have happened in the past so all can really be checked off. It is very sad as we once had a loving, close marriage but I don't know him anymore.

Karen
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replied December 7th, 2009
Ladies

I have to be honest, and having just gotten out of my own nightmare with a bipolar person who refuses to take meds, but, now this is really simple, if they are making you so miserable and they won't help themselves just leave.

I've left, I know exactly what you are going through.

Not speaking to me for months on end for no reason
Nothing being their fault
The manipulation and lies
The cheating, not even apologising for this and then making out it is your fault.

I've said to myself, "oh its not so easy" and "it's the disease" etc etc but at the end of the day, and whether I let my partner whittle down my self esteem or not, at the end of the day it's down to you to get out.

We keep saying them, "no one else can sort out your meds" "you have to help yourself" while at the same time doing exactly the same as them and not helping ourselves.

If you have any place else to go, if you have friends and family and can get out I really recommend you do. I know this is going to cause a barrage of "ohhhhh you can't say that" from the people with bipolar but I'd like to say one thing.

The guys reading and contributing to this forum admit they have bipolar and many are treating it and you guys are great and fine people for sure. However, let me tell you, dealing with someone with bipolar, going through their mania and depression week in week out when this person will not even get on their meds is hell on earth.
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replied April 13th, 2011
it is the same for a man marryed to a bipolar wife. It really hit home that nouthing is her fault or nouthing could be done. All the abuse and lies. A poor lier to once I was suspicious. thanks for the post
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replied December 20th, 2009
Dear pdemo1,

I am in the same situation as you! I am married for 13 yrs with 2 children, aged 5 & 8. My husband is BP II and also suffers from ADHD. When he is having an episode, it is horrible and does a huge amount of emotional damage to this family. The stories he makes up about what is being "done" or "said" to him are bizarre, but are definetely not being done to him, but there is no way to get this thru to him. I feel bipolar is a devastating illness for not only the sufferer, but their family who loves them. My husband is on meds, but his rants and hurtful words still happen if he is not doing well. Nothing I say matters, my feelings or the children's don't matter to him when he is like this. But instead of apologize when he's finished with us, he makes up stories as if I "deserved" his rant and that he is "entitled to his feelings." I know what you are going thru and I wish I had the answer you were looking for. I just want you to know that you are far from alone. I love my husband more than anything in the world, and so do our children, but I don't know how much longer I can take this. You are lucky you have family to support you, I do not have family nearby that can help me. It gets old being the target of a manic or depressive episode, and the unpredictability makes you never know when you can relax or believe anything. I hurt so badly from this, and I hurt for my children who are confused when their dad acts differently. What do you think you are going to do? I am here if you would like to talk more...God Bless you & your family.

4support
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replied December 23rd, 2009
cut your looses and get out.things are only going to get worst.been there,done that..
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replied December 24th, 2009
I am a man! I am bi-polar! He has to stay on his meds or there is no hope. Make him an offer he can't refuse. "You STAY on you meds as prescribed" OR, you get out! It is my house, my car, my kids. MY LIFE.
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replied April 13th, 2011
Bipolar confusion
Everything y'all are talking about is true. I'm married to a bipolar man, I love him. I've also had all my five children taken from me because of the dumb stuff he does. He will tell complete strangers that he is a dee-jay, a truck driver, a cop, ect, in fact, he is unemployed , and has never been any of these occupations. He takes his meds, but only if I make him every morning. He won't fix himself anything to eat, unless I cook and bring him his food. He smokes pot all day, also. Sex is all about when and how he wants it, forget about pleasing me at all. He will decide he wants to go fishing, and spend tons of my money on every kind of lure, bait, poles and everything, only to decide, he don't want to fish anymore because the fish ain't biting that day, and never want to go again. If he needs new shoes, he wil buy three pair of Jordans, not one. And he also talked to a woman on the phone he had a crush on all the time, I talked to this woman, once, she didn't know that me and him were married and had a daughter together. Thankfully, this " crush" of his was decent, she vowed never to speak to my husband again. That's what kills me, the selfish ways, deciet, and irresponsible behavior. Hell, I started drinking just to deal with it all.
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replied April 14th, 2011
Experienced User
Oh my, it is all the same. My ex is BP, undiagnosed but certainly is, as the behaviour is so much the same. He hurts people, specially me. He has hurt his exes as well, I offered him help and he didnt want it.He has huge anger episodes that are really violent but very quick to disappear. He also does not talk to me for weeks from time to time and just now we are going through one of those times. I do not contact him, also Im glad to be rid of him as he was messing my head up . Dont take me wrong, I do love him, but he cheats and comes back to me and this is soooooooooooo disrespectful, even though he says all the right things after, ex, Im back with you, wont I.
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replied May 16th, 2011
possible bipolar spouse
Wow. I separated from my husband because of drugs and I thought that was the main problem. We got back together when he was clean and sober. He is participating now as a father but after researching BP, he has all the symptoms. There is no in between on the moods. He talks all the time and others on the outside think he's jolly, but in our house, he will be very disruptive wanting attention then for a few days he will just watch TV or sleep. He gets what I call, lazy. Emotionally he is numb. Has cheated and doesn't take responsiblility for his actions. And manipulative. We have 2 boys and when I left the first time it was so peaceful. He never took the boys for his weekends just came by to see them. I feel if I am in the household atleast I can control the situation my boys are in, and I feel he will be out of control if I am not here. It is hard to leave with kids. Thanks for all the posts
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replied May 16th, 2011
Bipolar Husband
I am glad to hear that I am not alone. My husband and I have been together for 12 years with w 2 kids (8 and 11). He has been out of control for 3 years. Drinking and drugs was his main priority. He became physically and mentally abusive. He was diagnosed in December 2010 and started taking meds. I finally had hope that things would get better. In January 2011 he beat me up pretty bad. I have a full order of protection against him. My kids will not even talk to him on the phone because they are scared he is going to kill me or them. He calls to check on them and I will talk to him about the kids because they will not. He says that he is on the right meds now and is doing really well. I haven't seen him since January. I filed for D in January and he is begging me not to go through with it. I feel so lost with out him. When he is not in his mood he is the man that I married. I tell my friends and family that it is like being married to 2 different people. I want to be with him and work things out but with the kids not wanting a relationship with there dad I don't think that is an option. If anybody has any suggestions, please let me know.

Thanx
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replied May 16th, 2011
OMG, so sorry for you and I also had hope that things would get better, these bi-polars are very good at concocting believable stories that even fool their loved ones who know them well. Please read my advice to the author below...there really is no living with someone with this disease who will Not get help that they need. I for one refuse to live day to day walking on egg shells and afraid for my life. Get Out while you can girl!
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replied May 16th, 2011
My suggestions are below, it did not post to yours for some reason...good luck in your decision..it won't be easy and at times you will want to go back...resist my friend.
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replied May 16th, 2011
I know what you mean about being hard to leave with the kids, especially if your spouse threatens you with your life every chance he gets. You can however leave on your own and go to a women's shelter will they will help you get a job and on your feet... things will not change for the better if you stay. When I left my 4 kids behind..he did an 180 degree change in his outlook and made them go to church which was the best thing he ever did for them and himself. There are wonderful mentors for your kids there and you will still be able to stay connected with them. It's not going to be easy, but then when is it ever easy to leave? God bless and prayers for you and your kids.
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replied May 16th, 2011
Living with a bi-polar person is impossible without them taking the meds they NEED to survive a normal life. If he is anything like my ex-husband was, controlling,in-denial manipulative, angry, suicidal, abusive, hurtful, moody, selfish behaviour, beyond "happy to the ridiculous" the next second and uses his own flesh and blood to get ahead in life...then please do him and your children a favour...Get Out while you can! I am living proof that you can do it and I am not going to kid you..it will not be the easy road but one that will save your life in the end. Prayers for your safety and his!
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replied May 16th, 2011
Thank you for your reply. He is taking meds and seeing a psychatrist regularly. Will this make a difference in us attempting to put our marriage back together?
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replied June 3rd, 2011
I am also living a life of hell and misery. My husband decided a couple of months ago to stop taking his meds. because they were not working anymore. He started taking them 5 years ago. Although he was taking his meds he would not take them as prescribed (2 twice a day) and refused to take one that the doctor prescribed because he made his sex drive decline. Well his sex drive is out of control so I think that the meds. made his finally normal. I feel alone, tired and lost.
I do everything in the house from getting the kids off to school to bills. We own our own business and he has been successful for 21 years. I did have a job outside the house for 10 years but now I stay home with our 2 boys and help run the business. This has made if worse because he feels I should do everything. I make his lunch everyday, dinner, cook, clean and always the constant in our boys lives. He has missed so much because he is in bed sleeping.
My family is at odds with me and can't stand him anymore. His Mom just thinks I need to do more and he will be happy. His father is sad at the fact that his son is like this.
He thinks that everything is my fault. I don't do enough around the house. He is verbally and emotionally abusive most of the time. He can be a great person but I wish I would have done things differently. He has taken the joy out of me and I pretend to most that life is great. He charms his customers and when they talk to me-they tell me how much he loves me and is proud of what I do.
Our sex life is horrible but I have built such a wall around me. He tells me I am ugly, fat etc. I can't stop thinking about these times and I just don't want him to touch me at all. I have been compared to past girlfriends. If it has been good I have been belittled afterwards because this is what it should be all the time.
I have been with him since I was 17 and now I am 35. I just feel stuck and not sure how to gain myself worth back anymore. When I try to better myself, he ruins it, even though he tells me I need to change for the better. I am tired of everyone telling me he has a disease. Yes, he does but get help! I was so young when I met him that I just didn't see the signs. He has driven away friends and family and that makes me sad.
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replied June 3rd, 2011
I am also living a life of hell and misery. My husband decided a couple of months ago to stop taking his meds. because they were not working anymore. He started taking them 5 years ago. Although he was taking his meds he would not take them as prescribed (2 twice a day) and refused to take one that the doctor prescribed because he made his sex drive decline. Well his sex drive is out of control so I think that the meds. made his finally normal. I feel alone, tired and lost.
I do everything in the house from getting the kids off to school to bills. We own our own business and he has been successful for 21 years. I did have a job outside the house for 10 years but now I stay home with our 2 boys and help run the business. This has made if worse because he feels I should do everything. I make his lunch everyday, dinner, cook, clean and always the constant in our boys lives. He has missed so much because he is in bed sleeping.
My family is at odds with me and can't stand him anymore. His Mom just thinks I need to do more and he will be happy. His father is sad at the fact that his son is like this.
He thinks that everything is my fault. I don't do enough around the house. He is verbally and emotionally abusive most of the time. He can be a great person but I wish I would have done things differently. He has taken the joy out of me and I pretend to most that life is great. He charms his customers and when they talk to me-they tell me how much he loves me and is proud of what I do.
Our sex life is horrible but I have built such a wall around me. He tells me I am ugly, fat etc. I can't stop thinking about these times and I just don't want him to touch me at all. I have been compared to past girlfriends. If it has been good I have been belittled afterwards because this is what it should be all the time.
I have been with him since I was 17 and now I am 35. I just feel stuck and not sure how to gain myself worth back anymore. When I try to better myself, he ruins it, even though he tells me I need to change for the better. I am tired of everyone telling me he has a disease. Yes, he does but get help! I was so young when I met him that I just didn't see the signs. He has driven away friends and family and that makes me sad.
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replied June 3rd, 2011
I am also living a life of hell and misery. My husband decided a couple of months ago to stop taking his meds. because they were not working anymore. He started taking them 5 years ago. Although he was taking his meds he would not take them as prescribed (2 twice a day) and refused to take one that the doctor prescribed because he made his sex drive decline. Well his sex drive is out of control so I think that the meds. made his finally normal. I feel alone, tired and lost.
I do everything in the house from getting the kids off to school to bills. We own our own business and he has been successful for 21 years. I did have a job outside the house for 10 years but now I stay home with our 2 boys and help run the business. This has made if worse because he feels I should do everything. I make his lunch everyday, dinner, cook, clean and always the constant in our boys lives. He has missed so much because he is in bed sleeping.
My family is at odds with me and can't stand him anymore. His Mom just thinks I need to do more and he will be happy. His father is sad at the fact that his son is like this.
He thinks that everything is my fault. I don't do enough around the house. He is verbally and emotionally abusive most of the time. He can be a great person but I wish I would have done things differently. He has taken the joy out of me and I pretend to most that life is great. He charms his customers and when they talk to me-they tell me how much he loves me and is proud of what I do.
Our sex life is horrible but I have built such a wall around me. He tells me I am ugly, fat etc. I can't stop thinking about these times and I just don't want him to touch me at all. I have been compared to past girlfriends. If it has been good I have been belittled afterwards because this is what it should be all the time.
I have been with him since I was 17 and now I am 35. I just feel stuck and not sure how to gain myself worth back anymore. When I try to better myself, he ruins it, even though he tells me I need to change for the better. I am tired of everyone telling me he has a disease. Yes, he does but get help! I was so young when I met him that I just didn't see the signs. He has driven away friends and family and that makes me sad.
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replied December 21st, 2013
I understand exactly what you are saying. Constantly feeling exhausted and empty preparing yourself for the next battle with your bipolar partner. It has taken years to convince the family of my husband that there is something seriously wrong with him. His brother who is a doctor told me he just has quirky personality traits. For years my husband has comes across as so sweet and mr innocent to everyone and that's what I thought at first as well. Until the verbal abuse started and then trying to convince me I have the mental problem. I keep looking for the man I used to know. He still tries to convince everyone that he is the victim and that chasing after people who don't pay for petrol and approaching drug dealers is part of his community responsibility. I never knew that turning down the volume of his radio would trigger an attack. He takes zero responsibility for his actions and plays the blame game. I have so many scares from the past and I recent him more then anyone else for this. I have finally got out of the relationship but I miss the man I used to know. It is like he has died. As soon as he turned 35 everything changed.
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