Life is not for everyone

- I am so weak and vulnerable right now. It's 4 am and the thoughts are racing through my mind.

Why am I still alive? I feel like I can't do this anymore. I am a 20 year old girl/woman and I !**@! loathe myself. I absolutely hate the way I look, I hate the way I speak, I hate the way I interact with people, I hate the fact that I'm not who I want to be. I have been wasting my days since the past few years. Just laying in bed and watching TV. The only thing I have is my brain. I don't do anything for school, but somehow I manage to do pretty good.

Since I was little I have always been insecure and socially inadequate. I had one best friend and I basically was't interested in other friendships. But this friend left me alone and now the only friend I had is gone. I am lonely and I have no idea what to do. I mean I'm in my twenties; most people my age already have a strong group of friends and are not interested in a new best friend. This loneliness is killing me, and I just get physically ill because of it. I also just feel so bored out of my mind. Every day I imagine what it would be like if I had friends I could hang out with, and talk to.

Sometimes I hate myself so much I just don't take care of myself. I don't shower; brush my teeth or hair for days. I wake up at noon and watch TV the rest of the day. My mom and siblings think I'm crazy and they don't really care or understand.

The only things that are stopping me from killing myself are my religious beliefs and my mom.

I just wanted to share this with someone, anyone.
Never in a million years would I have imagined my early twenties to be like this. Just wasting life.

Waiting on something that will not come.