Can somebody please help me!
I am in a deep state of depression and I don't know how I can live with myself for the rest of my life.
Firstly, I am almost 20, I go to a successful university, I have a car, I have a house, I have some friends, I am somewhat good looking, but I am deeply disturbed.

I have never really gotten along with my dad. He has been very unkind to me. The only thing he did was buy my love with money. I was always scared of him as he would sometimes get drunk and beat me. On days he was sober he would give me $20 just so I forget and so everything went back to normal.
My mom is my hero, she always helped me and loved me. The problem is that I have always been emotionally disturbed by my dad and I don't know how to tell my mom how much I appreciate and love her. I have anger problems and sometimes make her cry cause I get angry at the little things she does. I don't want this to happen. I truly love her, but I don't know how to show her.
My dad has recently went to europe without telling her. I'm 4000 km away from my mom and my dad's in europe. I feel like my family has fallen apart.

Another part of my disturbing life is. I have never had a real gf, not for longer than 1 week anyways. So at 17 I went to an escort and lost my virginity that way, afterwords I was payed by a tranny to have sex with me at 18, then I had sex with 2 older women I met on craigslist, then a tranny at a club and finally I had a escort give me a massage 2 nights ago and nothing else.
At first I enjoyed it. Then I developed an STD/HIV phobia and now std clinics are my life. I have started to hate sex, I am less attracted to the thought of it. I know how bad it sounds but the lack of a gf is really eating me up and I feel like this is the only intimate moment I have with anyone. I honestly try and fail at getting a gf. I go to clubs, I talk to different girls. I have no real approach. I feel like crap. I cannot live my life like this.

To make it worse, my friends aren't that worthy, I don't really have anyone to talk to about my problems cause they are serious problems and letting this secret out will be the end of me.

I have seen a psychiatrist and I have told him about my STD/HIV fears. I used one night stands with girls instead of escorts and trannies.

I fear that I will live with this messed up family, this sex history, and all sorts of emotionally disturbing images and thoughts in my head for the rest of my life.

I have made the worst decisions one can make. I also drink, smoke pot, tried some other drugs to help. This just made it worse. I am not addicted in any way. Cause they just make it worse.

Please somebody help me. I am far from my family, I have nobody to discuss my problems with. I really don't wanna live like this.
I feel like the only way I can forget is to move as far away as I can from this place and live a simple slow pace life.

Thank You
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replied October 2nd, 2010
No one?

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replied June 15th, 2011
your life maybe complicated but it is not hopless dont run away from problems and your life try your hardest to fix or face your problems dont be afraid of sex or your inner desires use protection at all times .Have you talked to a counciler? I feel hopless somtimes to I am 28 with to kids and I have tried and failed on many things or just given up on them I think these are the things I regret the most procrastinating and not using my resources when I had the chance frankly as a kid I really didnt know my resources but you have so much going for you you are in school and that is something you should be concentrating on and not friends and how much your dad loves you and if you trully dont think you can move on talk to a counciler they can help you
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