I need help.

I have left a "toxic" relationship with someone who is bipolar. He and I had been together for 3.5 years, and I loved him a lot. I had every intention of marrying him. But after a while, he kept telling me I was inadequate in x, y, and z, and I believed it after a while. I know this sounds sappy/stereotypical, but now that it IS over, I am afraid I'm always going to care about him and he's going to be happy without me, because that's how it's always gone, even before our relationship, with anyone.

He would often have to 'leave' for a while, then come back, randomly, and I always knew that this could qualify as emotional abuse. I tried so hard to be a good partner, though, despite all the negative names and leaving he did and even in knowing it was bad I wanted to be there for him and make him happy. It's all I wanted and I never could do it, and last week even though I wasn't perfectly happy, he had to leave me first. In fact stating that he 'never wanted to speak to me again' because I'm that annoying, and storming out forever. I've never felt so disgusted with myself before. I know it's wrong to attach your self worth with another person's perception of you, but my own self perception is bad, so it's hard not to.

It's been difficult for the past year but now that he's actually gone, I feel almost suicidal. I have nobody else in my life anymore, and I can't handle this type of loneliness. Every single day is so hard because I lost the only person I care about this deeply and I don't want to even deal with doing it again with another person, only for it to be the fake version of what I had with him.

Many of you told me before 'leave him!' and such when I talked about the abuse I experienced. And now, I did it. I know it's only been a week and a half, but it's been impossible. I can't handle this. I know it sounds pathetic, but it's been so painful waking up each night crying over it. It makes me feel pathetic and I just want to end the suffering so much.
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replied April 16th, 2014
I have had the same experience for nearly three years now. I am seriously considering leaving him for myself. I cannot ride the emotional rollercoaster anymore...even when things seem to be going well, I am simply waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. Not a good way to live. I am sure there is someone out there with the capacity to have a normal relationship...I just dont think these are the right people to have one without treatment. Maybe there should be an ultimatum? There's really nothing to lose.
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