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last relationship ended badly

my last relationship was about 3 months long, but we fell for each other very fast. we got extremely close, and comfortable with each other. we were exclusive, and everything seemed to be going PERFECT. he went away for a month on business, which i knew about from the start, it was already a planned trip and i knew where he'd be and when he'd be back, etc.

so.. a week into this trip we broke up literally OUT OF NOWHERE. no fighting, no problems, nothing. he said he needed to deal with his issues alone, and figure out what he's doing with his life and focus solely on what he was away to do. he said he loved me, and knew we'd be back together again when the timing was better if i'd have him back.

come to find out, he had sex with a minor while on this trip. he's early 20's. and he's now dating someone new that he was already talking to while we were together.

are all guys this terrible? i'm scared to trust anyone now. i question everything. who knows when dating will even become part of my vocabulary again.. any advice?
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replied July 9th, 2008
Experienced User
some guys are DICKS.
but as you go on in the dating process it gets easier and easier to say good bye! and thenBOOM. you find mr right and you are so glad you went threw that terrible process of finding him.
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replied July 9th, 2008
haha i hope so.. because so far i've been cheated on in almost every relationship i've been in.. one that was 3 years long, and another that was 1 year long and we lived together for most of that time.. cheating is the worst. cheating and keeping secrets. i'm incredibly fed up with the male gender right now. lol. i'm just worried that all guys are secretly just total douchebags. us good girls just get strung along to believe they aren't. know what i mean?

:/
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replied July 9th, 2008
Active User, very eHealthy
mena0784 wrote:
haha i hope so.. because so far i've been cheated on in almost every relationship i've been in.. one that was 3 years long, and another that was 1 year long and we lived together for most of that time.. cheating is the worst. cheating and keeping secrets. i'm incredibly fed up with the male gender right now. lol. i'm just worried that all guys are secretly just total douchebags. us good girls just get strung along to believe they aren't. know what i mean?

:/


As a male, I hesitate to answer you lest you lower the boom on me. However, being more a man than a mouse, I will try to give you the truth about men and relationships.

Yes, some men are dicks. They are constantly searching for something better and many times they miss the perfect girl for them because of it. But, as the poster above said, the trials with men are worth it if you find the right person for you. It does get easier as you date longer, being able to spot the good guys from the bad.

Many men don't understand women and some really don't get what a monogamous relationship involves. There are guys out there that are honest and faithful, but don't expect any guy to be perfect. There are no perfect guys, just as there are no perfect girls. But, it sounds like you just want someone who will be honest with his feelings for you.

Just don't give up on all men because of your previous experiences. You never know when your guy will come along.
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replied July 9th, 2008
i just want a guy to be honest, period. about anything. so far, not so good.

like i said, i've been cheated on a lot, and this past incident was the deal breaker. when i met that guy, he was quiet and shy and polite. he was a gentleman and i'd never had that before. he left me love letters and bought me flowers, went out of his way to be with me. he was a fantastic boyfriend, while it lasted.

then we broke up out of complete nowhere, he had sex with a random girl, and is now dating a girl that he started talking to while we were still together.

such confusion!!

it's hard to grasp the concept of "it gets easier as you date longer, being able to spot the good guys from the bad" because i'm 24 this month, and have been in many relationships.. i've learned a lot about guys..

and this time he appeared different to me, he wasn't my usual type/pick. but he turned out to be just as bad if not worse than all the rest..

see my frustration? the good ones seem to be bad ones in disguise to me now..
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replied July 9th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
i understand your frustration...and thats the ULTIMATE betrayal is to be cheated on..its so emotionally damaging and its hard to be able to get to the point of fully trusting someone..sometimes you wonder if its even worth getting into the relationship if you anticipate heartache all the time...i've told my current boyfriend that if things are working PLEASE respect me enough to let me know, do not cheat on me...i hope things will get better for you, keep your chin up and just remember..his loss will be another mans gain...you'll find your prince soon..it just sucks you have to go through so many ugly frogs
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replied July 9th, 2008
hmm, i hope you're right, dear.
you know, something's been dawning on me lately..

maybe i'm dating guys that are too young for me. i didn't used to date younger guys.. but i was younger then.. and the guys i dated in the past that were older were around 20-21.. i was younger than them.. now i'm almost 24.. and still dating guys that tend to be around that age.. so as i got older, my guy choices stayed the same for some reason.. it's like i used to want an older guy and now that i'm getting older i tend to attract to younger guys. strange.

think that could be an issue? i need to find a guy my age or older.. yea?
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replied July 9th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
yessssss definitely go for an older guy...i'm kind of going through that same situation...i'm dating a guy alittle over a year younger than me...i'd had my fun crazy freshman year of college and when we started dating he was just starting college and i was going back so it was long distance...we tried the whole going out thing...didn't work..too much ridiculous fights..so that stopped...anyway..my point is...that definitely sounds like your problem to me...these guys are no where near ready to settle down or be committed..i sometimes question how serious is my boyfriend with me(hes 20 i'm 21)..and while i'm not looking to settle down anytime soon I do want to be serious..bc for me if it isn't serious its just a waste of time..i dont do the whole date just for fun thing...i date to find "the one"...i think if you stay within your age or older you'll find the guys much more mature(hopefully haha) and they should have all that ridiculous behavior out of their system...you know, i was watching a movie today and the line fits perfectly.."you're always going to be the guy that wished he ordered what the man next to him has"...meaning, some can just never be satisfied with what they already have...it AMAZES me that some men that are married to the most gorgeous women in hollywood STILL cheat....WHY...bc they're worthless jerks, they dont think with the brain upstairs they're too self absorbed and want a few minutes of pleasure....i hope you find a REAL man that will treasure you and return you're love..and im sure you'll find him
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replied July 10th, 2008
Experienced User
mena0784 wrote:
i've learned a lot about guys..

You mean about the guys you dated. I'm with lonestar on this one,
lonestarguy wrote:
Just don't give up on all men because of your previous experiences. You never know when your guy will come along.


I've been cheated on once, I've also had a no-reason breakup after 18 months relationship, and I have never ever cheated on someone.
What I mean is that your exes weren't nice and I understand the ongoing doubt. It's okay to remember previous situations to anticipate errors ; just be careful with accidental prejudice. I've had one of my exes being paranoid over me because of her exes, and it felt very insulting that she simply couldn't trust me, because of her constant comparison with the past. Same situations and locations can be completely different if with a different person.


I'm not much into big age differences but if you're okay with that go for it. I wish you good luck, the journey is not over Smile
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replied July 10th, 2008
Active User, very eHealthy
Typically if you are dating 21 year old guys, they are still college boys no? They need a few more years to act their age, which even then doesn't always occur =P I'd say most of them are not ready for commitment, so perhaps you should look towards the older crowd.

Otherwise, I don't think there is anything wrong with the idea of dating a different age group. I personally would not mind dating an older woman, I don't trust college girls so much.

It's unfortunate you experienced such betrayal repeatedly, I can see why you begin to see how all guys can be total jerks, but as the other males said, there are good men are there, just got to look in the right places. A hint, the good guys may be the guys you don't notice at first glance.

From good guys perspective, its probably frustrating as well to see how girls flock over to the guy that we know is just trouble and completely get ignored.

Keep searching =P Each one is yet another learning experience that'll guide you to the right one.
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replied July 10th, 2008
Experienced User
I am so glad that I am 46 and do not have to worry about this sort of thing. I have been with my husband for 28 years. Yes, he may cheat on me tomorrow, but I can honestly say that there is no better husband and father than he has been. He is so good to me and both of our children. Not only that, he will do anything for his parents or my parents. He leaves at 6:00 every morning and gets home at 4:00 every afternoon and has to work every-other-weekend. He is the most perfect husband anyone could ask for. So yes, there are good men out there, it is just hard to find them. We were high school sweethearts and it continues. Set your goals and standards high, and you will find the right man.
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replied July 13th, 2008
Experienced User
Not all guys are bad, there are some nice ones out there, probably. I dated a guy for four years, then we broke up (I broke up with him) and after seven months we got back together and dated for another year. During that time it seemed as though he had changed (he went from working at a restaurant to working at a bar). I never suspected him of cheating at all the first time we dated, then the second time I figured that he was.
I wouldn't assume that all guys are mature because they're older then you. I'm 23 and I had a fling with a guy I worked with who was ten years older then me...and he was married! Some guys are more mature at 21 then others are at 45. It depends on the person. Good guys are pretty hard to find, especially in the cultural wasteland that I live in!!! I feel that if I stay here my whole life, I'll never find anyone! Lol. Good luck, hopefully you'll find a guy who'll treat you with respect.
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replied July 13th, 2008
Experienced User
There is good and bad in every gender. You will find the right one - if not, it is just not meant to be. It is better to be alone than for someone to cheat on you and break your heart. Do not settle for just anyone - whatever age you are - wait until the right one comes along. Good luck - it will happen - again, set your goals and standards high, and they will not be able to resist you and your good heart.
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