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just waiting to die now

Question I don't know what to do anymore. my life seems to have ended years ago and my body just keeps moving on. all my life has been going , doing , giving , working , making a life for myself and my children. I worked so hard to make sure they had what the other kids had. now they are grown and they have children that are teenagers. they don't have time for me . I understand that, because they are in the fullness of their lives. none live close and I sit here day after day.I don't tell them because I don't want them to worry, but all I want now is to die and have it over with. I'm 63 years old but I feel 90 like my mother sometimes. I suffer from depression constantly . I'm either sitting in my chair in the living room because the medicine makes me so sleepy I can't function or , if I don't take it I'm sitting up all day and night because I can't sleep. I want so badly to be normal again, but this has been going on now for 10 years. I am a hermit . I cannot make myself meet people and do things. I live in a small town where I know nobody.. I moved here in 2006. it all started when my pastor died, my best friend died a little 15 year old boy nammed jimmy ( my sons best friend accidently shot and killed himself in my house and two of my children got on crack cocaine. all this happened in about a two year period. and I just became like a walking zombie. they had to put me in the hospital and that was the end of my life.sometimes I wish I had the courage to end it all
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replied November 24th, 2010
I forgot that they also decided I have dementhia now. I can't work because if I get the least bit stressed out I can't think , literally. it's like a fog comes down over my brain and I cant think through it. sometimes I think only God can help me . please does anyone have any ideas. some way to help me.
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replied January 3rd, 2012
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Hey I hope you read this, I've learned that most of the time when you need them the most there are no answers. Sometimes you gotta make an answer for yourself. You said you haven't said anything to your kids because you don't want them to worry but I find if you don't say anything the worry is still there but it boils down to "she would have said if something was wrong" sometimes you get swept along in the ifs and until you say "no actually I'm not okay just now" then it'll feel like you're drifting in a deep despair. And if that's the case, what do you have to lose by speaking up? But it's all up to you. I know what it's like for people to say something and you just think but I can't. I moan day in and day out about my problems, the very few times I've tried to reach out for help and been met with laughter, ridicule and ignorance and now, well now I just don't want to be helped. Just waiting until I die. All because I can't find the courage to end it. But we both know that suicide is a sin and you can't live the rest of your life in pain so there's only one solution. Speak up and get the energy to get an answer for yourself. That won't be easy but neither is living in misery. Good Luck Smile
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