Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Disorder Forum

Just for the spouses of people with bipolar. Rant,rave or whatev (Page 2)


February 12th, 2009
Yes I know these "always keepum guessing " traits
It is very difficult dealing with someone who flip flops on a regular basis. One minute he says he is with me & wants me & the next he is pushing me away or avoiding dealing with any of my feelings or needs. I find myself upset & crying often because I am carrying all this on me without meds or support. It feels like he is playing emotional games & being very self centered. I need him to understand & care about my feelings as I have been there for him threw everything. He acts so immature about things when I try to talk with him. He denies any knowledge of my needs, emotional pain & I'm really becoming resentful. He has been on meds for about 2.5 weeks (Depakote) & at first he was awnry & then ok & then they doubled his dose & now he is awnry again. I am the closest person to him so it seems I am the one that takes the brunt of it.
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replied May 27th, 2009
About Barto's Post
I am sorry but I have to stand behind Barto. Had I posted to this forum a few days ago after the latest incident with my bipolar wife, my post would have been similar. While the person with the disorder may suffer, so do those of us around them and we too are entitled to our feelings and emotions and we too deserve a place to express them, no matter how appropriate they may be. Are his sentiments constructive, not to the problem but maybe he felt better by letting that anger and frustration out and he has a right to do so.

For my own situation, a day or two later and I am able to remind myself that she is not able to control these things yet but that doesn't make it any easier.

To Barto and others like him, please post away. Better to let out your frustrations here than keep them inside.
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replied June 5th, 2009
Thats the thing Beans, weve become so sensitive to others feelings and so politically correct that we dont fully express how we really feel. If youve ever been to a psychologist,which I have,they always tell you to break it down until youre telling the complete and utter truth. Otherwise theyll never really be able to help you. I believe in that. And I would rather say what Im really feeling than keep it inside anymore. Being with someone who has bipolar has made me like this. Everyone just overthinks these things. Does it seem like Im trying to be incredibly constructive? I couldnt care less about that. And thats ok. Sometimes you just gotta let it out man!
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replied June 6th, 2009
Living in Hell
I too am in the same situation, being the husband of a bipolar wife. It is the hardest thing I have ever faced. She loves me one minute and I turn around and she hates my guts. She is always out all night drinking and when I tell her I don't want her too she says I am trying to ruin her life and not let her have any friends. She stays at other guys houses and I doubt she is sleeping. But she insists that she is doing nothing wrong. But she is quick to bring up things I have done, even from two years prior. She was on Depakote but came home from the doctor one day and said they took her off of it. I know she needs to be on it, because I know that she is bipolar, I see it everyday. What can I do? I love this woman, but it is looking like divorce is the only way.
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replied June 7th, 2009
Chucky,that does sound like hell. Im sorry to hear that. I have to say though,some of that does not sound like bipolar as much as just bad behavior. Staying out all night drinking,staying at other guys houses!!??? Are you kidding me? Ive been through this exact situation with my ex wife who was NOT bipolar. I thought I loved her,but once I got away from her, I saw all of the hurtful,brutal things she was doing too me. After a few months it was like a breath of fresh air being away from her. I felt healthy again. If she is treating you so bad and with such disrespect,Im sorry Chucky,youre better without that kind of heartache in your life. I dont advocate divorce,but I bet you go through every day right now thinking about only her and what you can do to make her love you again,am I right? She is the one who needs to be apologizing to you and finding ways to keep YOU in her life. Especially if she is doing the things youve said,thats just disgusting. You owe it to yourself to really evaluate what is keeping you with this girl,because she is doing everything in her power to get rid of you. I am not meaning to be harsh chucky. I hope you know it kills me to see anyone go through such a painful relationship.
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replied October 12th, 2009
Tough times again
I'm really going through it again with my lover. I know I'm not her spouse... but we were engaged for almost a year. Shortly after we were engaged the excitement sent her first into hypomania, then she had a full blown GM seizure and was horribly manic for over a month. All the while she reminded me of how much she loved me and I needed to be patient, and I reminded her of how much I loved her and that I was committed to endure it. Funny thing was, the more I learned about the disease the more I was able to tolerate it and go through things in a healthy way. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm still learning. After her meds changed she calmed down but seemed very depressed, like she was in a mental straight-jacket - she lost her hope and dreams, she says, and I heard her more than once tell others that "she always hurts the ones she loves". She was depressed for a little while then moved out. That didn't help, so she broke off our engagement and that didn't help, so she moved into an apartment by herself and that didn't help, so she got her meds changed and added an anti-depressent - that helped for about 10 days, but then she started thinking about all she lost and that didn't help anymore either. Just this weekend she was worse than I had seen her in months. I just comforted her, and she told me how much she cared about me and just wanted to be comforted because she was scared. It was a lot of closeness and bliss - terminated by a big wall of "I have a lot of anxiety about us" and the good ol' stand-by - "I want us to go back to being friends." Funny thing is, that is what we are. We talk every day, we support each other constantly... but it seems like whenever it comes time for her to accept that her disease is an issue for her, she blames it on something outside herself. I've seen her blame it on her living situations (before we were involved), I've seen drugs and alcohol do a number on her (but she is clean now), I've seen it around the courts (but she is free of those consequences for now), or her friends (and she is down to just a couple of those that are close and she has had for years). Now it seems it is always about us... but I'm not asking for anything more from her - we are not getting married (the ring is on a shelf), she has moved out and I don't ever pressure her to visit or spend time with me (the converse is not true, though). She beats herself up over trying to control the situation, but also says all the time that she will "eventually push me away".

So I have told her (AGAIN!) that we are friends first. She knows I would be happy to have more... but I told her that the friendship has to come first because none of those "extra dimensions" of our relationship are worth the triggers or not being supportive. But I'm hurting... we have been in this situation ("just friends") at least 10 times in the last 3 years, one or the other of us has tried to break up at least every other month, we spent 2 months apart once - but the first time we saw each other after that we went tumbling head-over-heels again. And it was so clear to me again this weekend that our love is deep and lasting... she was needy, true, but also very loving and appreciative and affectionate. Honestly she has the most beautiful spirit I have ever known - but when it comes to me she builds a wall of judgment, and she admits doing it and even does it with premeditation. She can be more "intimate" with acquaintances than she can with me and every time we get really close since her last major episode, she pushes me away - painfully and hard - always saying she doesn't want to be "dependent". But she is NOT! We only see each other a couple of times a week, I don't involve myself (beyond asking) in the details of her life, sometimes I offer advice when she asks, but I always respect her decisions 100%. We are not codependent, but instead we are (almost) always loving and supportive. I know I shouldn't let her fears become my own... and I understand her conflict and that it is not my place to control or change her, since I do love and accept her. So why am I so sad again today?
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replied April 22nd, 2011
I don't even know where to start. My fiance is bipolar, we've been together for almost 4 years now and been through some crazy stuff (my business failing, living with my mother, and the story goes on and on) but for the two years I thought things were getting better. Her job was stable and she was excelling at it, our financial situation was getting steadily better, all the really big stressers seemed to be getting taken care of.
But for no reason it seems like it's just gone to pot can never do right, I have to do everything for her every time she cleans the house or does dishes I'm expected to praise her or the world is going to end. I'm a jerk because I don't ask the right questions to prompt her into telling me how she feels, just asking "how are you doing, or how was your day" is apparently insufficient.
What is it I am supposed to do? Why is everything my responsibility? This sounds callused but it is her illness why does she expect me to do everything to accommodate it when she won't even tell me what she needs? How am I supposed to know what is going on in her head unless she tells me?
I don't know how anybody is supposed to help me but I'm hoping at least this sounds normal...
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replied May 30th, 2011
Experienced User
could some of you just updte your stories, I really would like to know how you are doing.
im separated from my love, who is certainly Bipolar, yet again he left me for no reason, he gave me the 'friendship' card again. How they like that, the 'just friends' card! However, we are writing to each other daily and still I beleive he will be back ...yet again.
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replied May 31st, 2011
Hi Reggiane, I didn't write anything above but I am also separated from my husband of 20 years. He was a good husband and dad for about 15 of those until he had his first manic episode and it hasn't been the same since. he is now out of the house because he had an affair with an old girlfriend when he was about 20 years old. He still provides for us and comes around and does a few things that I can't do around here. From time to time there are signs that he is going to live with his affair person but has not yet. He would have to move to another town to do that. We have 2 small children so think that holds him back. I am trying to move on-it has been a little over a year since he left and probably would still be here if it weren't for the affair but don't think I could ever forgive that. That was all my fault you see. He even told me that I needed to appologize to the **** because her husband found out and called me. I know he loves me but am just trying to move on.
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replied May 31st, 2011
Hi Reggiane, I didn't write anything above but I am also separated from my husband of 20 years. He was a good husband and dad for about 15 of those until he had his first manic episode and it hasn't been the same since. he is now out of the house because he had an affair with an old girlfriend when he was about 20 years old. He still provides for us and comes around and does a few things that I can't do around here. From time to time there are signs that he is going to live with his affair person but has not yet. He would have to move to another town to do that. We have 2 small children so think that holds him back. I am trying to move on-it has been a little over a year since he left and probably would still be here if it weren't for the affair but don't think I could ever forgive that. That was all my fault you see. He even told me that I needed to appologize to the **** because her husband found out and called me. I know he loves me but am just trying to move on.
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replied July 9th, 2012
There is hope in relationships!
I am married to a man with bipolar disorder, he has episodes of depression, aggression, and can not be responsible with money, however, when he works, expresses himself, and recognizes symptoms of potential trouble, all is well. He briefly was on medication, but that truly did throw him into a terrible state, he sat around, staring into space, and lost his job. for 15 years he has been med free, we talk every single day and he is my best friend. I bear the responsibility of most household things. Bills etc. He helps with chores, and is now retired. He is happy, and I am happy it is not traditional, but we are making it work. I was reading this site hoping there were more success stories, instead I am bombarded by Barto, who would be doing his wife a favor if he divorced her, a marriage is a team effort. not a blame game. and that goes for both persons. She is responsible for her actions, words and behaviours and so are you... I wish you all luck, sometimes love really is enough, if you allow it to be .
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