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Jealousy over best friend's new girlfriend

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Hello all.

So here is my scenario: In my group of friends, I have sometimes been labeled the 'Eeyore' of our group. A combination of a rough, damaging childhood, jaded relationships, and bouts of unemployment have left me having more cycles of depression and being down than most of my friends combined.

Anyway, my best friend and I have been friends and nearly inseparable for over five years. We have been there through some of each other's worst times. We would text or email nearly every day, at the least, saying hello, and nearly every weekend, if not a couple days out of the week, you can find us hanging out. Even at other friends' gatherings, usually we would go together.

Well my best friend has started dating a new woman. Nothing new, since I've been through all the other women he's dated. But for some reason, he's very different about this woman. It's only been two weeks, yet he's already had the long-term commitment/marriage/kids talk with her. When he talks about her, it's almost at if he's already planning out their future. Maybe he is, but I just find it too soon for him basically already be orbiting around her.

The other day, we were hanging out, and I brought it up to him how weird it was to see him so wrapped up around this woman, and that he should pace himself a little. I also brought up that I really hope he doesn't 'replace' me, and start brushing me off and ignoring me, like he sort of has in the past. Another reason why I was bringing this up to him, is because it has already started; him either not responding to my texts, or when he does, its obvious he's just blowing me off. When I asked him when we were going to hang out again, his reply was 'I don't know,' and before I left his place, he asked that I make sure I take everything that was mine (not that it was a lot, just things like my spare toothbrush, random items of clothing, etc).

Well, he accused me of being crazy and overly emotional, and that I was thinking way too far into things. It ended up being kind of an argument where I repeated that I wasn't crazy, I just didn't want him to start ignoring me or his other friends like he has in the past, and that I didn't want to just fade into the background and become a distant memory. And I also told him that I felt this way because he's never been like this about any other girl he's dated.

Tonight, he is out with his new girlfriend. But not only with her, but with our other friends too. I got the phone call earlier from my other best friend, who wanted to make sure that I was okay with it. The only reason why I am not there, is because being unemployed, I don't really have the money for the restaurant they're going to. Anyway, my other best friend went on about how nice and similar-to-me this new girlfriend was, and she can see why he's into her. She did mention though, that he told her that, although I would eventually meet his new love, he was glad I wasn't joining them tonight, because he was afraid I would be crazy emotional and maybe say the wrong things, or look pouty.

Learning all of this, I'm struggling so much with loneliness and jealousy. I feel like the biggest loser, and like I'm being replaced. I don't want to bug him with texts and seem too needy, and I don't want to keep asking about him and her from my other friends and become one of 'THOSE' friends.

I don't know how to cope. My friend's want me to somehow find a way to be happy, because no body wants a 'Debbie Downer' around, but I am struggling so hard under these circumstances.

So please. Anyone. Any advice is greatly appreciated. How do I win my friend/friends back from their negative outlook of me? How do I cope with my best friend not being so accessible?

Thank you.
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First Helper User Profile Oneofus

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replied February 19th, 2012
Experienced User
I'm not quite clear on the relationships issue but one thing is certain. Never accept nicknames that label you as has been done. Reject it, oppose it leave such idiots behind.

Whatever has happened to cause you to go through depression has not been your fault. It's an illness and must be dealt with as such. By seeing doctors and therapists.

If you don't have it treated there is only one certainty. It will get worse and last longer each time.

You say you've been through all the other women he has dated. What des that mean as in normal slang it means you have had sex with them? Is that right?

Regardless you only ever refer to him as "friend", not "boyfriend" so what is the problem here?

All of us change when we find someone we want to be with mostly. Marriage and children can follow and there is often no room for anyone else in the relationship.

I say let him go, just be the friend you say you are, not jealous. Or stop seeing him if you can't deal with it.

But above all, get treatment.

You choose. More misery ort a chance at life. Not a hard choice.
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replied October 30th, 2012
I knw the feeling
I feel the exact same way. Funnily enough, I've been friends with my best friends for five years, heading onto six soon. We text like everyday, talk on the phone at least once a week, hang out at the movies, ice skating rink, etc. So it was always us. Sure he has other bestfriends, but it's always been us. So then I have a party where my bestfriends meets one of my female friends and suddenly takes an interest. Next thing you know, she comes to me not a week later saying she likes him. A month later their going out and I'm like overwhelmed with jealousy.byt his month the most their communication has been is through text. They completely skipped the friends stage and it annoys me. I feel insulted because he just dives into this girl, when it took me four years to end up dating him. I don't like him anymore like that, we decided were better off as friends, but it leaves me wondering why she's so special, or what's so interesting about her. They hardly know one another but are ready to declare likeness and date. Not to mention the moment they started texting, TEXTING, I found our communication slowly dwindling, until we'd get into fights about stupid stuff because I was jealous and he wasnt sure what my problem was. Its so much worse, becuase you wonder why their even boering to date if their going to rush into things. When you don't take the time to get to know someone properly and really know them as a friend first to decipher compatibility, then your wasting your time, because if you jump straight into a relationship first it'll end pretty quickly.

Anyway, it's natural to feel jealous, this is the person you spend the majority of your time with. Sure you have other friends, but it just so happens that you're much closer to your bestfriend and understands you on a different level. This girl in a very short amount of time is swooping in and taking him from you. Becuase she's earned relationship satus, this means she's on a deeper level with him. He'll tell her everything, they'll always be together, she'll get certain privileges. And like me, we don't want to be with that person romantically but to know that their devoting their time to another person and essentially forging a deeper connection than the one you have with your buddy is driving you nuts. On top of that, we don't even have the reassurance that things will stay the same and we'll still be able to hang onto our close relationship with our friend. Everything changes so quickly and suddenly you find yourself spending more time with yourself becuase your bestfriend is off galivanting with his girlfriend.

And then to add onto it, you also don't get the reassurance that at least maybe she deserves him. They've become close romantically in such a short time, we don't think they earned it. Why do we have to work so hard and spend years to get our friendship and closeness to the level it is, and in mere weeks she claims that spot and more. She basically did nothing but look pretty and talk t him sometimes and he's sold. Now sometimes people have a connection, but to just make it so easy is an insult.

But in my situation and maybe yours, we just can't understand how they can like each other in such short time. How can they really want to be in a relationship when they've only known one another for weeks. How can you actively decide to like someone when you can't even pinpoint what you like about them, becuase you hardly know them.

For now, I think the best way to deal with this is to ignore it and take what you can get. The only other option is to wit for their relationship to fail. Voicing our opinions doesn't work because in a guys mind, we're just stopping him from his goal.
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