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is my partner abusive or mentally ill or trying to manipulate me

Please help me i have been with my partner 9 years now we have an 8 yr old girl together which he is a pefect dad. I have 2 late teen daughters the oldest 1 he hates they dont get on she sees how horrible and minipulitive and controlling he is with me and she sticks up for me. He has been real nasty from after our 1st yr of being together and in the last yr been herendous to the point i have left him to clear my head. He has totally screwed with my oldest girls head and makes her think its all her fault. He has never hit me. But used money as a hold over me. Now he has reached rock bottom he is desperate sending thousands of beggin messages sayin he has a mental illness and needs help saying it was not him. He has had coiple of therapy session and now thinks he is ok and we can get bak to normal! is he just using any thing to try get me back ? he is saying i should be standing by him and helping him to get through this but im not convinced im sure it will happen again. please help me
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First Helper verne01
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replied February 10th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

You are right to have doubts and reservations. It isn't unusual for an erring partner to have a couple of therapy sessions and use them to claim a reconcilliation.
The truth is a couple of sessions are unlikely to even have scratched the surface of what his mind ails from and it is likely to take as long as a couple of years of constant therapy to reform what has been years of serial behaviour and bad attitude if reform is possible; certainly I strongly suggest you retain your doubts and single status for at least a year.

Unless you really wish to have a reconcilliation it is probably going to be easier and more satisfactory to separate permanently.
You sound quite rational and so I doubt you and he would have engaged in a relationship at all if you had any inkling of his true nature. The conclusion must be something about you and your family just rubs him the wrong way and he simply cannot control his feelings and must give way to them and that situation has become an unbreakable habit.

If that is the case then it is unlikely any amount of therapy will help except temporarily...
I suggest he is left to worry about his problems while you concentrate on trying to repair your damaged daughters.

Good luck!
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Users who thank verne01 for this post: primroseevening 

replied February 14th, 2013
I do feel sorryfor him massivly and hate making someone feel that way! but surley this is just guilt?? I do not know if i love him to be honest. Love or guilt?? Thats the question I need to answer myself there again if i am having to ask myself then i have answered my own question?? ur thought would be great on helping me sort my head out!! Thank you.
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replied February 14th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello again,

Whether or not you love him; and that is likely to remain undiscovered until the sting of years has dissipated, hardly matters because you already know it needs more than love before two or more people can successfully live together with some resemblance of harmony and contentment.

Love is one thing but the ingredients for a working relationship are entirely another. Lots of people love one another or are infatuated with each other but cannot live together because the friendship and respect and the pulling together in similar directions and the anticipating of each others needs is completely absent in the day-today grind of existence. Without these things life can soon become very hard work and unpleasant or even a torture.

It is possible for a relationship to be sustained by love but then both people must continuously work at it - forcing themselves to be compatible because that is what they want.
More usually a couple of perfectly nice people when apart turn into a couple of scratch-cats when forced to exclusively share the same space when that basic compatibility or good chemistry is absent.

I strongly suggest you don't worry too much about sorting your head out - given time and contact with nice people and a more pleasant lifestyle your head will sort itself out. Simply make your mind up that you don't need to make any important decisions any time soon. Let the Earth whirl a few times while you concentrate on yourself and your daughters and you will find you will begin to see things more clearly.

Certainly don't be panicked into early decisions by feelings of false guilt or pressure from your husband.

Good luck!
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replied February 14th, 2013
You sound like you definatly know what your onabout! I just cant get passed all the nasty things he said and done over years. I know time will heal but when i look at him i feel angry that he would treat me like this and i have now made a vow that no one is going to treat me badly and get away with it! im a strong confident independent woman!!!! I also want a relaationship where you dont have to work at being nice it should come naturally it does with me !! waht ur thoughts. Sonia x
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replied February 14th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Knowing what you want is good.

Anger can also be good and quite sustaining through a bad patch but only if it is channeled into things that are going to improve your life.
Too often anger that is a reaction to being treated badly tends to result in unwise decisions or over-compensation.

I am sure we all know of instances where angry wives have shredded the husbands clothes, burnt his collection of records or vandalised his car and such actions mostly leave few regrets and can be said to be positively therapeutic but too often anger can lead to more serious things with long-lasting consequences...

Reactionary anger tends to lead to a type of rebellious behaviour...

Driving too fast and dangerously and drug or alcohol abuse are by no means unknown but one popular angry reaction after a break-up is the one of unwise sexual relationships or even a period of promiscuity after which self-pity or self-recrimination tends to be more painful than the original source of the anger.
Somehow such reactionary anger can become something that is almost a temporary insanity if it isn't guarded against.

The lads at the local bar enjoy it and the paper boy who is dragged off the street and seduced undoubtedly enjoys it but none of it has the desired effect of getting back at the husband or reassuring the woman of her attractiveness.

If you are angry Sonia, control it and never allow your anger to control you.

Please take care.
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replied February 15th, 2013
Hi again i dont feel any of those things you mentioned i actually dont feel angry anymore. I feel let down again! i honestly dont even care anymore and dont trust him at all! I want to build a little nest now safe happy enviroment for me and my girls. I have always suffered abuse all my life childhood teen years and early 20's and he knows all of this in graet details and he still let this happen! he said he didnt know he was doing it is that possible?? i was taken into a childrens home when i was 8 and was allowed no contact with parents and wasnt allowed back. He should have cherished me and he didnt! I want to stay his friend because i care what happens to him and he my little girl daddy. i have never been on my own without a partner and feel this is my time to lick mt wounds so to speak. Do you know where i am coming from?? or do i just come accross angry and uset?? your thoughts once again would be great and many thanks coming your way for taking time out to read and reply to my messages. Thank you x
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