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Is my husband bipolar or just selfish? (Page 2)


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May 4th, 2009
Community Volunteer
I've been in your shoes and it is terrifying but let me tell you when I left my now ex husband with two young children in tow (almost 2 & 4)...I was in a shelter (secret location) with other women and children, all strangers to us however it was the first time in a very long time that I was at peace and my children were happy.

I kept a journal during that time and I still have it...the last time I read it I realized how strong I was even when I felt no strength and defeated. Going through that ordeal made me a stronger person; emotionally / mentally...

You DO have the strength to protect yourself and your children. Do it the safest way possible.

Prior to relocating to the shelter I went to meetings for abused women and I found others who were willing to help me get out of the situation and I also made friends along the way.

Did you alienate your friends or did your husband push them away? If it was him, would they want anything to do with you if he was going to be out of the picture?

Just a thought...
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replied May 5th, 2009
Hi Zigemyster

To answer your question my husband has alienated my friends by making them feel very uncomfortable. Maybe when I feel ready I will be able to make contact with them. At the moment I cant leave the house as my I dont feel comfortable leaving my kids with their Dad. I always come home to a row and the kids are upset and crying.
I have enough of all his crap and I really dont know how much more I can take.
Sorry for whinging but Im just having a bad day. I just want this separation to be over with and live a quiet life with my kids. They are the most important things in my life. My solicitor told me today that she thinks he wont agree to anything and advised to sell the house. I dont want to move kids from their home and friends. I cant afford to buy him out. What will I do? Any advise?????
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replied May 5th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
A shelter will be there to help you and your children, they can
They can provide clothing and food. I know your worried about money but that will come along also. I think you should forget about the house for now and leave. The house isn’t going to protect you or the children. And its also another tie your husband can have over you. I have lived in shelters with my mom. There were times when we would go hungry or when we would all have to sleep on the floor. But I felt safe. I didn’t have to stay awake at night to hear if my stepdad was gonna hurt my mom and I didn’t have to face the consequences of sticking up to him. Your kids can make new friends where they feel safe. All the name calling and put downs can have a very bad affect on them when they are older. Its not fair to them to go through that. Try to leave asap. Don’t worry have faith that you will be taken care of. God takes care of those who take care of themselves. It will be the single most hardest thing you will probably do but because of your sacrifise and love for your children all the good will come. People also take care of those that help themselves. Best wishes!
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Users who thank guest88588 for this post: dublingal 

replied May 6th, 2009
Hi Rosie H

Thanks for your reply. It really made me think. You obviously have gone through as a kid what my kids are going through now. It would be nice if you could let me know how kids see the whole situation through their eyes. I had a happy childhood and find this all very daunting and scary. I dont know where you live but I live in Ireland and getting shelter is hard. I am going to womensaids org next week to put a safety order in place. It will probably make him worse but at least the police will have to come when I call down and not just put it down to another domestic. You Mam must have found great strength from within to leave and turn her life around. Maybe some day I will too....
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replied May 6th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
I remember being mad at my mom for letting us go through what we went through. I remember always being afraid and alone. I has 5 other siblings and was the oldest so a lot of responsibility was put on me, I took care of them a lot. And I always cleaned up my mom after she would get beat by my stepdad. It was a vicious cycle. There were times when she would take things out on us. All I wanted was to get older and leave. Or get strong enough to protect her. My stepdad finally went to prison when I was 14 for 5 years. That was our freedom. My mom would have never left. I or one of my brothers probably would have killed him. Seriously. My brother has PTSD and is on disability, he has flash backs of the violence. I ran to abusive men. My sister was a prostitute for awhile seeking attention. I know that all this was a result of how we were raised. Abuse in the home affects this kids sooo much. I don’t know though cause he was always nice to us…he never treated us kids badly only my mom. It didn’t make a difference though…we still were greatly affected.

I live in Phoenix, AZ. So I know that there are at least 5-10 local shelters here. It must be harder for you out there. Hang in there and keep doing what your doing. Your blessings will come. Just try to stay focused on the kids. I remember how hard it was for me to protect my siblings…I cant imagine how hard it would be with my own son. You are a strong powerful woman don’t forget that.
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replied May 6th, 2009
Hi Rosie
Thanks for your very enlightening and inspiring message. It brought tears to my eyes as some of the things you said ring true to me at the moment ie my son wants to leave asap he is 15 and sometimes I know I am grumpy and snap at the kids and its not their fault its sometime he would have said and done to wind me up.
I will do my best for my kids, everything I do is for them. They are my life.
I really hope you have and your family have a happy life now. You all deserve it after what you have been through.
Im trying to keep my chin up but some days I find it very hard to smile through the abuse when its been screamed continously in your face.
It has affected me badly. All I want is a quiet life. Someday it will happen....
God Bless To You And Your Family
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replied June 27th, 2009
Bipolar husband
My husband sounds alot like that and he is bipolar. He has been on meds for a year and is still an ass. I think the best thing to do for the kids is leave. We do not want them to have issues over the verbal and mental abuse from their father.
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replied July 23rd, 2009
Re: Is my husband bipolar or just selfish?
9518carrie wrote:
Hi there...i have been married 10 years to a man who i think is bipolar for a few reasons :1.)He has a brother who was diagnosed 2 years ago, and an aunt diagnosed decades ago, and 2.) he is incredibly self-centered, selfish, controlling, mean spirited, spiteful, and OCD. His brothers symptoms seem totally opposite of his...his brother has the manic highs and lows, he has been suicidal. Thankfully, his brother is also a doctor, a PhD & a cardio-thoracic surgeon and recognized the symptoms in himself and sought the help he needed. My husband on the other hand thinks he can control anything and everything and refuses to seek any treatment, help or diagnoses. To share my reasons why i think he is bipolar: He is very short on patience, has an aggressive personality, curses like a sailor without thinking or regard, is OCD about any hobby he may get interested in...like fishing. If one bait or rod is good, 20 of the same thing is better...spiteful. IE: if i ask him to please watch his language in front of the kids, he will do it more out of spite and disrespect. When he yells at the kids (aged 16,9,5 and 20 months), he spews obscenities, and to him, the word "f**k" is like breathing air...every-other-word uttered is that. He'll call our 20 month old a little f-ing bi**h every time she annoys him. He has a sense of grandiosity-everything is owed to him. He does nothing around this house. Nothing. Won't even take out the trash. His exscuse is that he works 8 hours a day, he's not going to come home and work more. What does everbody else in america do to make their household run if they never lifted a finger after work? I am currently an at home mom. Between my 16 year old daughter and myself, we do it all. Yet, he'll tell me all i ever do is sit on my fat f-ing a** while he is bringing home a paycheck. I am 5'4" and 115 lbs! Anyways, my 16 yr. old does all the typical "man" chores of mowing the lawn & stacking the wood in winter months. She helps me with the trash at the end of the week. I do ALL the indoor chores...plus taking care of the kids single-handedly. He has refused to change diapers for all of them. He's never taken them to dr.s appointments. Or school...or gone to a parent teacher conference. I used to work full time too. When i did, i still did all the household chores. Oh yes, when i cook dinner, i have to serve him. Wait on him hand and foot, or he'll turn into a royal screaming ass. He can't (or Won't) even get his seconds for himself. He has moments where he is sweet and loving, likes to cuddle with the kids & take them to do fun things (fishing, movies), but when he gets angry with them, there is no middle ground. He is just ruthless and brutal. I am so ready to leave him. I RESENT him so much, i have no sexual drive towards him, no romantic feelings. We haven't had sex in six months. I personally am glad...i don't want to have sex with him. He repulses me and turns me off mentally. I don't love him anymore. I should say that i'm not IN love with him anymore. I love him as the father of my children and the best friend that he USED to be, but i'm tired of eating the proverbial "caca sandwich". I'm tired of seeing my kids subjected to his mood swings and demands, and getting verbally abused...and he expecting all of us to just take it. He totally undermines my authority with the kids and disprespects my wishes concerning them. I hate my life with this man. I'm tired of being the kind, gentle, patient one. He walks allover us. He thinks his opinion is the only one that counts. He is a control freak. I can probably still go on and on, but i think i have given enough examples for a determination to made...is he bipolar or just a selfish SOB? I need help. I'm tired of suffering through what i feel is his mental illness and issues while he flies through life doing and saying whatever he pleases. It must be great to be him. He has his world on a silver platter. He seems to like himself & his life alot. P.S. i'm not a pansy and just let him walk allover me...i am very patient, but i will speak up-and always nicely, but whenever i do, i'm nothing but a fu**ing b**ch and "c**t", and he dismisses me, my thoughts, feelings and opinions. I feel totally trapped. Please help.


he sounds exactly like my ex husband who i was married to for 10 yrs. it sounds like he does have bi polar disorder and he is also a selfish person. get out now while you can. dont even bother talking to him about it. he will either be nice or nasty. he will not change you have to for yourself and your kids. when you are old who is gonna look after you? now you are young its not a concern but it will be. the longer the kids are subjected to him the more they will become like him later in life in their relationships with others. seriously !!! leave now and dont look back. life can be good and can be worth it but not with him, close the door so the next one will open. and it will take it from me. Cheers rainbow
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replied July 23rd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
It doesn't sound like he's Bipolar.
But does it really matter??
You aren't in love. You're miserable. Yes you've let him walk all over you. It doesn't matter how aggressive your mate is you have to set healthy boundaries and defend them with everything you have. You don't want to have to fight your man for his respect, he was never a good match for you.
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replied July 23rd, 2009
I do feel for you and your situation, I have an extremely selfish husband as well. I've often times thought he may be bi-polar. He doesn't have the suicidal thoughts, but he absolutely fits all the other symptoms. My only issue with what you say is that you say he makes you wait on him hand and foot. It sounds like he is absolutely a selfish jerk, and has some issue, but you also have to take responsibility for enabling him. You need to look at yourself and any actions you are taking that are showing him that it is OK to treat you like this. You can only be responsible for your own actions and change your own actions. While it is never a persons fault for being abused, often time people find themselves in situations where they allow a certain amount of controllable abuse to continue. I worry about your 16 year old, because this is teaching her a very unhealthy marriage and way of life. She needs to see you be strong, because the worst thing to come of this would be to see it repeated in her life in the future.
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replied July 26th, 2009
selfish husband or bipolar
I think you husband is abusive. It sounds like he is mentally and verbally to you and your kids. Though marriage is meant to be forever, abuse is a deal breaker. Obviously you love him or you would have left a long time ago. You need to put your kids first and that means getting them out of this situation. It is not their fault that you married an abusive man. Run as fast as you can to the nearest National Domestic Violence shelter. You can call 1-800-799-7233. This is advice from an adult that grew up in this same situation, the kids will resent you if you donâspam�t protect them!
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replied August 20th, 2009
I think that some women can spoil their men to the points that these men behave badly. Its as if somewhere along the road they have lost respect for the women. Forgive me for chidding in late in the game, but it seems like these men have become resentful and some underlying cause is the children and lack of parenting/social skills early on in the relationship. when women keep saying " but he's a great provider" although he treats the children with disdain and hurls insults at them, its a sign that the women have entered a an Abusive domestic relationship. Men will treat you as bad as you allow it to continue, some of the men may be calling your bluff by continuing doing all the things you dont like so they can be free of you and the children. I suggest start packing your clothes and hiding money for that rainy day when you will leave the guy and dont continue making idle threats for him to change, Change yourself before change that is changing in the worse way changes you and you have your children remind you what you allowed in their presence and ultimately lose respect for you.
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replied September 26th, 2009
Experienced User
Carrie...

I think you might be seeing some the BPD. The man I just broke up with was very much like your husband. Total control freak..OCD..and Bi-polar. But, also the BPD aspect was there too.

If I did anything (laying out towels for the bath..that sort of thing) is was ALWAYS wrong. If he didn't direct each and every move.. something I did without direction was wrong (even if it was right when he demanded to teach it to me before).

Everything about him was totally facinating to him.. he would talk about himself endlessly..even to interrupt conversations to talk about himself..and god forbid you do anything except sit and listen.

No matter what I did..it was never enough. I was to blame for everything (one way or another).

Each and every ache and pain of his had to be discussed endlessly. Whatever it was.. he was sicker than has ever been recorded before. Therefore, it required more attention.

I believe that was all the BPD and OCD going on.

The bi-polar part was that all of that was magnified many times over in the manic phase.

The explosions were incredible! And usually about minor stuff that made no difference at all!!

I hope you are doing well now. Keep giving us updates
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replied October 14th, 2009
When I started reading about your situation I was shocked to hear it all In so many ways My x-husband although we are living together. is scary similar. right down to the brother with bipolar, mother with definite social issues . He is compulsive gambler, (been the whole G.A. rout) Hates the fact he has kids.(told the therapist," well you know when a woman wants a kid". Would have been nice to tell me he didn't want any. That was over 27 years ago. My grown daughter has panic disorder and in engaged to a man the same as her Father. the verbal abuse ran rapid,( still does for the 16 year old at home) My grown son won't have kids because he knows he'll probably be just like him and doesn't want to take that chance by reliving it all again, but with him. I am here because of loving him and my financial inability to support myself. I pay for my daughter college with inheritance. not him, and he has already said he's not paying for a wedding. He is rich!. I've been back to school twice and twice he made sure I couldn't continue. Power is everything to him. If there is anyone who can be there for you a family member, Please for your sake and your children s future GET OUT. I left and divorced him but had no plan and no one to reach out to. so here I am, If you can't leave please find a way to keep yourself and your kids away from him as much as possible. The children will grow up to be a lot like mommy and daddy. I hope he doesn't break you down by then. Your in my prayers.
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replied November 4th, 2009
you need to pack up all your belongings and leave while he is at work go stay with your parents or a friend while you file papers for temporary support and divorce papers.
wait until after the child support amount is set before trying to find a job for you will get more financial support if you don't have a income. There is always a way out and a way you can get your life back I know it won't be easy to live with someone else and if you don't want to do that, have him served papers and removed from the home with a order of protection. you can do something because he will never never change!!!!! also,
the judge will most likely force him to make the house payment and pay child support even if it leaves him too
broke to go out and rent his own apartment maybe he should be the one to have to go live back at home with
mommy and daddy since he is the one who ruined his marriage.
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replied November 4th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
If you establish support when you're unemployed and then get a decent job your husband could take you back to court to renegotiate support. If you're looking to break from him cleanly I wouldn't play games or make your divorce about starting another fight with him.
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replied November 9th, 2009
my husband's like Carrie's
WOW, Carrie's post sounds just like my husband. One difference is that he "works" all the time. he will work all day long outside around the house. Then the sex thing always comes up, just this weekend, I am not passionate anymore. Well after 3 years of being yelled at and told a variety of other things, being called a [email protected] many times, hugs me too hard and is just plan out nasty, tells me to get out of the way, move and questions everything I do. He is extremely hard on the kids, too high of expectations for my 4 or 5 year old boys Doesnt understand saftey and supervision, goes overboard when he goes to the grocery store and then tells me I dont understand money. Never buys anything for the home, waits until things are so far gone. Basically I am the one to blame for him being nasty to me, then when I dont want to be intimate with him, I'm a [email protected] He has threated to punch me in the face in front of my kids when we were joking around and he got hurt. He doesnt care when others get hurt. Got in a car accident in 12/07, no one was hurt and I could drive my car away. But he never came to the scene to check on us, went home to make dinner. I drove my busted up car until 7/09.

He was divorced and his ex-wife and I have talked about this, he is exactly the same now as he was with her. He's 45. I dont think he is going to change. He will be a complete jerk and blame me for everything. There is so much more to this story. We adopted two children, he always makes comments, do you want to go back to Russia, in Russia you wouldnt have anything. I throw a fit when he starts down this road. I have only told 2 others about his behaviors. I am afraid that no one else would believe me. He is a sales man and people just think he's great. Even my mom.

I feel so stuck and living a lie. I'm a Christian and feel so trapped in this problem.
Help
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replied August 4th, 2011
HI Doublerooskie:

So sad to hear all this. I am a Christian also, but if you are going to do something to get out of the situation you should do it. Being poor, happy and safe is better than abused and THINK of what this is doing to your boys alreay. It is not good. I put up with it going in and out of the relationship, getting divorced and married to the same man. We met when I was 17, got married at 18, done having 3 children by 23. He is 60 and I am 57 now. We are back together but I could tell you stories. Mainly just know that it will affect your children more than you will ever know. If it is bi-polar that your husband has, it will not improve till he gets help. Your son can get it or have the tendencies...our son has, but he has chosen to break the chain. I am so proud of him. I am not able to see my girls families as long as I stay with their dad. I am going, for the last time, GOD WILLING, to leave, go for help myself and get my relationship back with my girls and their families. Our son still sees me, and is trying to work on a relationship with his dad, but not sure how that will work out. Apparently my husband does not want to have a relationship with the kids/grandkids because the kids left him, as he says. TRUST me God wants you safe and happy. He does not want your children to learn the abuse...it can be very devastating. My husband can seem normal to everybody...it took a lot of years for some to know, cause I kept things secret for 10 years as we never lived by my family then. Things will NEVER change unless they admit they have a problem and go for help. Otherwise they will always blame the wife and the kids. If you need to talk I can be reached. I am a loving christian person. Take care and do the right thing.
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replied December 15th, 2009
Carrie and doublerooskie

I am in the same situation:(
My husband was diagnosed with BP Disorder 2 years ago. For the past 2 yrs he will not see a therapist or take meds on a regular basis because he says he doesn't have the time or the money waste. I have 2 young children that live with this man and I feel sorry for them. I am their mother and subject my children and myself to this verbal abuse. I have been with my husband for 5 yrs and married for two. You must be a strong women to have put up with a man who treats you with such disrespect for as long as you have.
When reading your forum I felt as if I were reading into my own life. Of course I love him but I am not in love with him anymore. He has his moments when he is really nice and romantic but I can't stand to be touched by him. He is rude, disrespectful, controlling and very selfish. Everything is about him and everything is my fault. The way he treats me is my fault if I would just give him the love and support he needs he wouldn't have to treat me this way. He has a secret bank account because he accuses me of stealing and taking all of HIS money. He takes my wedding ring from me and says I don't deserve it, questions everything I do and calls me Sl**, C**t, Wh**e and Accuses me of cheating when i have been nothing but faithful to him after hearing this so much I should just start cheating so he has a reason to say these nasty things about me. I have put up with this for long enough and I am working on a plan to get out. I finally realize that we are not important enough for him to want to deal with his mental issues. When he has an episode and I say I am leaving he will see a therapist and take meds for about month and then he thinks he is cured, but it always happens again.
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replied January 16th, 2010
Your Husband suffers from NPD -- please research it!
Ever heard of narrcassism he is sufferring form it! And I would turn around and think of your kids they will be scared and will devlop the same way as adults. I would not be selfish and think of them, you seem strong please save the kids!!
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replied August 26th, 2010
YES HE IS VERY BIPOLAR, EXTREMELY
IT DOES SOUND LIKE CARRIES HUSBAND IS BIPOLAR ! Just reading the first blog sounded very familiar. My boyfriend has a lot of similiarities and traits of ther husband. For example, the OCD with his hobbies. OMG, this is truely my boyfriend ! He has a lot of hobbies as well. Games, computer, music, model cars, real cars, and not to mention his bad habbits of smoking marajuana and drinking all the time to self medicate. All of these things come first before myself and my 2 year old son that we have together. He is very good at making himself seem normal to other people in his life, but when he is at home with his family, he is like the devil. My son and I get treated like peasants. He is very selfish, its "his world" he wants what he wants when he wants it and exactly how he wants it, and if he doesnt get his way, he will flip out, get revengeful, threaten me, or just act like a plain ole spoiled brat, he says a lot of hurtful things, he makes the dumbest decisions on earth, and is very unresponsible, he doesnt know how to communicate well, he is so irrational and unreasonable, he has so many problems with his man hood and always needs someone to stroke his ego and make him feel like a man, he is also very combatative and argumentative. That is his main trait and something that I think every BP person has. He has a short fuse and can be ticked off at any time with the smallist remark. He seems like he has no feelings and I always say he is "cold blooded", He feels like he is always the victim. He always trys to flip everything around and blames me for everything, Everytime he tells someone the story of what ever he feels I did to him, I am always the one that is made out to look like I am the "crazy one" or I am the one who snaps out all the time, when all I do is defend myself constantly. He bullies me and my son and when I called the police on him and he was arrested he told me that it was my fault that he was arrested ! AND HE HIT ME. I guess I wasnt supposed to call someone to come help me against a grown man. I told him- NO its your fault you were arrested, your actions. I did not just decide to call the police for fun. He is a complete male chauvinistic. He still lives in cave man days. He thinks that women are inferior to males and I should bow down to him and shut up when he talks. He use to never take out the trash, however, it took me 3 years, but I did accomplish to get him to take out the trash after I gather it all up and put it at the front door. He loves to hang out and be around a lot of people. He is very talkative and talks really fast, he never needs sleep and has an enormous amount of energy all the time. He is sex crazed and loves money. Out of our 4 year relationship, I stop wanting to have sex with him maybe like the 2nd year due to all the arguing and turmoil that I had to go through. It completely turned me off. I use to tell him that If we are always arguing and dont want to be in the same room with each other then how are we going to lay down and have sex? He would never stop and guess what? that led to him cheating and we broke up. Due to my son and still having love for him- I took him back. Despite all of this, there are times when he is very loving and calm and a really nice guy. Which is so confusing about this disorder. You never know which personality or mood swing you are gonna get at any given time. He is like Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde ! Night and Day, Cold and Hot. I am so tired mentally, emotionally and spiritally that I dont know what to do. Of course he NOW denies that he is BP. He was never diagnosed with BP disorder (he refused to be evaluated for it), but when I first started dating him he admitted to me that he thought maybe he was BP. I would really like some imput on this. Is anyone else suffering in this way with your spouse and do you think my boyfriend may be BP.
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