Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Relationships Forum

Is my husband an abuser or is it only his bipolar?


I am totally at my wits end and I hope that someone here can help me. How do I find out if my husband is an abuser (doing things purposely) or if all of it comes only from his illness? I really need to know that answer NOW as after 2 years im at the END physically and emotionally! I lost a LOT of weight and im getting almost not out of bed anymore. I need to know this answer to make the right descision for myself.

In between he tells me he is not in control and feels awful about it. He also admits its all him which is unlikely for abusers? And even wants help and medication. Does that proof this is not his character but he is only very ill. Please give me your personal opinions.

He has been violent but in ways that he put a knife in my face when he wanted me to go or put a pillow on my face to make me stop talking. He says that talking bothers his brain. He has sometimes problems with getting upset quickly (in those i think manic times). When i say something he doesnt like it really effects and offends him and he wants to throw something! It looks he cant handle close emotional relationships. I saw him going crazy and threatening violence only ones in 2 years! With the neighbor and emotional abusive with my dentist. But at co workers and others it doesnt show as far as he tells me.

2008 his ex wife died of cancer after 30 years. He was diagnosed with depression while she was dying. We met and married 2012. In 2013 an old psychiatrist diagnosed him as rapid cycling bipolar. When I told him that my husband threw me of the bed and said I hate you and have a girlfriend, he said it’s all part of the illness. But I don’t know whether its true? He also has each day headache, noise, tightness, short attention span, can only have short, not deep conversations, his head gets full quick. Emotional things drain him.

I know that abusers want to control their victims he doesn’t seem to want that at all. He is usually very mellow, calm, doing everything what I want, coming to my church, watching what I want, doing daily ONLY what I want, even when I want to be intimate he is. Doesn’t get mad and even said he doesn’t mind If im the boss in the marriage. Everything revolves around me as he said he feels it’s his job to make me happy. He even wants to move where i want to live!

It goes in circles because then after a few days he is different: agitated, angry quick, thinks I did something bad or was unappreciative of him, gets upset over small things, im scared to talk, he is suddenly not understanding me anymore, doesn’t listen if I try to explain but sticks with his bad view of me. He loses all his emotions for me, is numb, and then wouldn’t mind if I drop dead next to him. He also would call the police himself as he has no feelings for himself either! He blames me for everything, thinks I’m a bad woman and create fights, he breaks agreements, thinks and feels different, says he always lied to me, wants divorce etc. Nothing I do can change that. Its over minor things. He told me afterwards that he is not rational in those moments.

He tends to say the opposite of what I say. I even was able to trick him last time. He said: I will never go to a doc and take meds again! And I said: oh no does that mean you will go and leave me, like we said in the past, live in the other city and take your meds there? And he said: Yes exactly! I will leave and take my meds there! He didn’t even notice that I was tricking him. He also ignores me badly, or threatens to hit me. When I say something he doesn’t like it enrages him. He thinks i deserve everything. After that he calms down, but stays in this state (when he is easily triggered) for a few days.

Then at some point his thinking is all back to before again, his feelings slowly come back, blaming himself, telling me I do nothing wrong, that I don’t even contribute! Because of his back and forward thinking i many times thought: is he lying? Is he lying then or now? But he tells me he never lies but when he gets into this stage he doesn’t care about consequences, or if he hurts me, and that’s why he is so cruel. He also says hoewever he feels at each moment he honestly tells me!

Right now he sleeps since 2 nights in the car as he wants to give me the space I demanded. I almost had an emotional breakdown 2 days ago. I want to get him to Europe when i get my papers in 6 months. He wants meds and therapy but I want to do it over there not here, its free there! I need to know if this torture is worth to wait to take him there and get him help? If he is an abuser then no meds will ever help him and then I would not love and respect him and be able to finally break free. On the other hand if its all from his sickness, and his real character is that absolute sweet man in between, then I am definitely willing to wait and stick with him until we are there. But i cant cope anymore because im not sure of his motives!

Can you people see in any of this if he is an abuser or not? I have been trying to read about it. It looks his constant changes of what he says come from the constant changes in his moods which make him feel and speak different each time! So that would mean he is not lying! He tells me he never lied and that I should not believe what he says when he is manic. He also says he loves me more than anyone he ever loved! But then he can be so very very bad to me on his strange days! He says it’s not in his control and when he gets angry he loses his love for me and doesn’t care anymore and sees me as his enemy and doing bad to him. He says he is worried he could harm me. He also offers to pay my rent and leave here. But its hard for both of us to separate. It got to a point now where he told me he lost himself completely, that he is not sure himself anymore if he is an abuser or who he really is!!!

I think an abuser would at no stage admit that it’s ALL his fault? Would never put themselves on meds and therapy? Would never let me be the boss for 6 days and then be terrible for 4??? It is so strange because like 6 days he is normal, reasonable, nice, kind, very loving, thinks its all him. And then after that he is for 4 days different. He is sometimes begging me to let him go (but i cant as long as i dont know if he is only sick or not) he says I deserve better whereas I read abuser don’t want their victims to leave?

Please help me people to identify if he is an abuser or not. I will be thankful to anyone who can shet light into this!
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replied March 29th, 2014
He needs help with his addiction, but only he can decide to get it. You can't do it for him.
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replied March 30th, 2014
Hi, what addiction? He doesn't have an addiction!

Anyone else can help?
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