So this is a long one but ill do a TLDR at the end because i understand that sometimes people cant be bothered, but also please read because i need help asap. Trigger warning; suicidal thoughts and actions.

Okay, so i guess a good way to begin is that my family life has always been bad. I have moved plenty of times, been to dozens of schools, I've been homeless countless times, my parents have taken short breaks from each other due to safety concerns, finances has always been an issue, my moms an alcoholic, etc etc. So here's some backstory.

So I'm the youngest in my family, I've always tried hard in school, tried to be problem free, is antisocial so i didn't really have any friends for a long time, had a hard time in elementary and middle school because my education was disrupted so much due to moving constantly and having to worry if I would have dinner later that night. Ill admit, i have done some stuff that I'm not proud of and was a slight trouble maker, but other than that i was a good kid.

Little to my parents knowledge, I have been depressed and have had suicidal thoughts for the past 5 years and have suffered from anxiety my whole life. This recently surfaced in about march 2018 when i told my sister i wanted to kill myself and my mom made a phone call to my doctor and then i had to do general screenings. This started the "you just want attention" and other bulls*** related to that.

My mom refused to believe it when my doctor said that it sounded like i had anxiety and depression so she ignored it until about early December 2018 when things weren't getting any better. I started medication and that was that. I honestly i wish i got help earlier because in October-ish of 2018 something inside of me kind of snapped, i went into a extremely depressive episode and stopped eating and started acting differently. I dabbled into some low risk drugs and started cutting myself, it got to the point where i could barely recognize myself. I lost interest in hobbies and interests that I would do just to try to pretend to be happy and normal. I guess i was just exhausted from pretending like everything was okay. Anyways, in the second week of January 2019, i attempted suicide. I really hate to put the blame on anyone but i should be honest. Earlier that same day, i went to my school counselor and talked to him about my parents emotionally and sometimes physically abusing me, he said he couldn't do much but somehow word got back to my mom and it was a sh** show. It was a few hours or mind games and screaming from both my parents and I guess I couldn't handle it, everything in my mind and body just screamed "kill yourself, you're a failure and there's no way out of this but ending it all". Obviously it didn't work, i yelled out for help as i was bleeding out and 3 stitches and a night at the SECU and i was back home. That destroyed my relationship with my whole family.

It didn't help that my family's, uh i guess "functionality" for lack of a better word was awful. My parents relationship is so awful, they scream and yell at each other, my dad is an extremely aggressive person and is an ex-drug user and alcoholic. So there have been times my mom would pack us all up in a car and drive us to anywhere safe to let my dad "cool down" but they always get back together. My mom isn't perfect either, shes an alcoholic in denial. Like is drinking a bottle of wine or 8 beers or a half a bottle of vodka in one night normal? No. She screams, yell, slaps, belittles, and scrutinizes. I have a twin sister who USED to always be on my side and be my best friend but of course something changed. I also have an older sister who's 2 years older than me who has always disliked me and our relationship is almost non-existant.

So anyways, thats enough backstory, lets get to the point.

I have a boyfriend, I've been dating him since mid November 2018 and i love him with all my heart. He treats me amazingly, he respects me, and he made me realize that i deserve to be loved. But theres a problem, I'm 15 and i started dating him when he was 17. Late December 2018 he turned 18 and that made my family extremely uncomfortable, which is understandable. But we have done nothing outside the law and keep things civil, we make sure to keep everything in check. My parents have hated him since day one, they wanted nothing to do with him, so i kept on dating him. He knows all about my family issues and believes they're unhealthy, which i agree with. Its not just him that thinks my family is toxic, its my friends that know of my family issues and my twin sister (except she flipped on me within the last year). My close friends advised i try to build a case and get out asap, so i recorded when they screamed and yelled and belittled me along with screenshotting any nasty texts. I sent a copy of each of the videos and screenshots to both my boyfriend and a close friend of mine in case i either deleted them or my parents deleted them. So i started doing that about a month ago, at the beginning of March 2019.

About a few weeks ago things took a turn for the worst in my family, they called my boyfriend a predator, pedophile, a "master manipulator", and an abuser. They blame him for the fact i have mental issues and say that "hes changed me". Their favorite line is that they "want the old (my name) back". They ridicule him for "not making an effort to meet us" and things of that sort when they literally would refuse to do anything involving him. They have even gone to the lengths of threatening to kill him, put him in prison, put me in a psych ward, take me out of school, and send me to military school are just a few of the crazy threats they have made. My mom asked me to "calm down a bit" when it came to me and my boyfriend being together so we did. My older sister has even gone as far as to stalk me and my boyfriend when were together at school and to have her friends take pictures or us (on school property, which yes, i have gone to my principal about and he didnt do sh**).

So in the past week, things have gotten worse. My mom confronted my boyfriend after school the other day and screamed at him, then my mother took my phone away and looked through EVERYTHING (thankfully i was smart enough to delete my conversations with him because i knew shes crazy and doesn't respect privacy) But she found the videos of the yelling. It was about 4 hours of screaming and yelling, playing mind games, guilt tripping, more threats, and other bulls*** like that, then she made me text my boyfriend saying "i don't want to talk to you anymore after the way you treated my mom" and then i wasn't able to talk to him period. When i say "mind games" i mean my family saying that they could have not brought me to the hospital when i attempted, saying that i enjoy making everyone miserable, that I'm the reason why my family's in shambles, that I'm a spoiled brat that uses my depression as an excuse. Then they bluff saying "go run of to go live with your boyfriend, go pack your sh**" but its just a trap because if i do they would lock me up but if i say "I don't want to" I'm a liar.

It doesn't help that the people who claim they love me (my family) just fill my head with bulls*** and fill me with so much anxiety to the point where i throw up and fill my head with the ever ending stream of "I'm going to kill myself I'm going to kill myself its the only way out" and make me feel like I'M the problem. The thing is that I'm at the point where i don't know if I'm being sensitive like how my family says, or if this is emotional abuse? ugh i don't know.

Anyways, i got my old phone because I've had to use it before and made a new Instagram account to contact my my boyfriend and told him everything and told him to absolutely not contact me, even in person, except for the account i was dming him on. He agreed and now were trying to decide what to do now.

I've been talking to a trusted adult about all of this and am looking at legal options but honestly the most frustrating part of it all is how my thoughts are twisted. Like, ill think one way after my family yells at me and sh**, but i think an almost 360 when I'm away from then and i don't know which one is true. For example, after hearing "hes a pedophile, hes changed you, hes made you this way, he just wants to take advantage of you" over and over, i start thinking that way after a few hours of it, but as soon as I'm out at school or with friends (which is a rare occurrence) i think the opposite. That he truly loves me, because deep down i know its true, and that my family is the problem.

TLDR; My family has a lot of problems and they've worsted in the past year or so, after being diagnosed with depression I've become the black sheep and I'm trying to figure out if this is emotional abuse or if I'm just being sensitive. I also have a boyfriend that my family hates and are trying to keep me from him, they blame my depression on him even though I've had it for longer than I've ever known him. Also, should i try to get out of my family asap? Like is my mental and physical safety worth it? Are my parents really that bad or am i sensitive? Are they manipulating me and are emotionally abusive? what should i do?
Did you find this post helpful?
|
Quick Reply