Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

Is it worth staying in an abusive relationship?

As I am writing this, I am shedding tears from a beating by my “boyfriend”. I put that in quotes because we do not share a normal relationship as most couples, but we have a business together and support each other financially. In short, if money was not involved, there wouldn’t be us.

I am writing because I don’t know what to do. I quit university before I even finished my first year, and all my tuition money contributed towards setting up a business with my “boyfriend”. In short, I put my life on the line and also betrayed my mother by quitting school.

I have a 9-year old son with another man and my “boyfriend” has a daughter with another woman. Communication between me and my son’s father and him and his daughter’s mother has always been there because we have to co-parent no matter what. My baby’s daddy wants us to work things out and become a family again, but I am afraid that what happened between us can also happen again and we will forever be apart.

To be honest, every time my “boyfriend” beats me, I cannot stop thinking about my son and his father because I keep asking myself what if my abuser beat me one day to death, what would happen to them. I have a friend who stubbed her boyfriend to death in self-defense because her boyfriend was an abusive alcoholic. Now she is still detained in max prison and her case has never been heard and my government has never mentioned about transferring her.

However, the problem lies when my “boyfriend’s” ex-girlfriends arise. They are always in our lives even after I told him that I was not comfortable with it. Now, every time one sends him an email, I cannot ask about it because if I do it’s like I’ve opened a can of worms, but he reads every single email my baby’s dad sends me. He gets angry and beat me like a pinata. Now my head and one of my arms are in pain because he just gave me three blows and two kicks. My baby’s dad is the only man I communicate with.

I cannot take it anymore, and I am already at the point of leaving everything and going back to my mother’s place. We do not live in our home country and I wish we were because I would have reported him to the officials. Where we are nobody cares, especially if you are a woman, and here people really objectify women and ignore abuses.

I don’t know how I can tell my mum that I quit school three years ago. What we have built, I am afraid that I would end up starving in the streets because I am at the point of just leaving everything I have worked for for the past three years and just go without looking back.

This is a controlling relationship where I cannot question him about his ex-girlfriends even after cheating on me three times, two with his exes and one with a hooker. I have never cheated on him and I promised myself not to revenge because it wasn’t worth it. I feel worthless and I feel like I do not deserve to be happy. I just wish that I cheated on him, but the thought makes me want to throw up.

I have been brought up in a well-knitted family until my dad passed away nine years ago and my mum picked up from there. My parents are the best in the world and I cannot ask for a replacement. However, my brothers do not care how I survive and I am the only daughter among three sons, and my “boyfriend” knows. I guess it’s the reason why he treats me the way he does because nobody is there to have my back.

Sorry if this is too long. I just want someone to advise me on what to do because I do not want to live another day like this. It is unacceptable and the thought hurts so badly. I can feel pain in my heart and my chest is heavy. I feel like I want to die. I cannot take it anymore. I know I am supposed to leave this relationship, but how do I explain to my mum about school? I do not want to set a bad example to my son. If I stay in this relationship, it would mean to my little boy that he can grow up knowing that women should be abused. How do I pick up my life? Can I trace back my steps and date my son’s father again?

Thanks everyone.
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replied June 28th, 2013
The longer you wait the harder it is to leave. I stayed with my husband for ten yrs and tegret not leaving after the first assault....except I wouldnt have my youngest daughter if I had. He did counselling....didn't work. He hasnt seen his kids for 15 yrs because he refused to mediate after becoming increasingly angry towards them diring access.
They blossomed after he left the scene....and as adults thethank me for my stand. Sometimes two parents are not the best if the abuse includes them.
Leave the abuser n go to your mum. If your sons dad hears about the situation, he might step in and take your son away. Its hard and it took 14yrs but I am now with a decent man in my life who treats me like his queen.
You can do it.
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replied June 29th, 2013
Hi annie59, thanks a lot for your advice. I believe it is not too late for me to leave.
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replied June 29th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
I am very sorry to hear about your troubles.

I am very sorry too to hear about you friend who is in jail. It is a great abuse of human rights not to have a trial within a reasonable time. I feel you should contact an international charity "Amnesty International" and provide them with your friend's details. They might be able to do something to help her.
The International Red Cross might also be interested.

I am interested to know the name of this country of weak men who must routinely beat women to make themselves feel stronger.

Lots of men beat women worldwide and it is more common in some countries than others. Sometimes it is mindless and caused by weakness and sometimes it is cultural and designed to destroy the personality of the woman, especially after marriage, to make her compliant and obedient to the man. This is most common in those countries where arranged marriage and dowry is the norm.

Mostly the authorities at least pretend to care even if it is while sitting on their hands. Never before have I heard of a country where the authorities do not even pretend to care about the fate of their women.

The third from last sentence of your post is true and a very real danger,
"if I stay in this relationship, it would mean to my little boy that he can grow up knowing that women should be abused".

It is this sentiment that should be your guiding light and your incentive. You are a mother and your first duty is to your child. You must provide him with the best environment in which to grow up that you can and that includes the male and female role models he has.

You were young and you made a mistake or an error of judgement. Your mother will be disappointed and perhaps bitterly so. She will probably even be angry for a time. You must expect this but her anger will fade and her bitterness will fade too if she is a rational person and she will be glad you showed enough sense and determination to accept your responsibility to your child and get him to a place of safety.

You might need to leave like a thief in the night to get away safely.
If the business you invested in recorded your investment and your part-ownership in a proper legal fashion you might not have lost everything by returning to your mother. You will need to take whatever evidence there is of this with you to be perused later by a lawyer. If there is no evidence then you are likely to lose everything but even that sacrifice is probably worthwhile if the beatings stop and you and your son are safe in an environment that is good for you both.

I hope everything goes well for you.
Good luck!
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