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Is ending a 15-year relationship the right thing to do?

Hi there,

Should I walk out of a 15 year long relationship? I have ruined my boyfriend's life and he still loves me a lot. I am not sure if I'll ever be a better person morally or emotionally or even personally and I don't want to decimate him again.

Here are some things that are just scratching the surface:

Am I just too guilt-ridden? No, not at all. Even being an anonymous account, I feel ashamed of typing what I have done. Let's just say that hundreds of times he could have just walked out of the relationship to keep him sane but he walked through hell because of my actions, just to make things good for me and to keep us together. Guilt, do I feel it? Yes, very much so. I feel enough guilt to cry, enough to lose appetite, enough to feel worthless, enough to ask him why is he still around, but never enough to change myself or even try to correct myself. My tries are very short-lived, just like every other determination of mine, and soon I repeat my actions and may be even worse.

Have I talked to him about it? Yes, but only when he has initiated the conversation or when anything wrong I do gets caught or my lies are exposed. But I really never have anything sensible to say. It always comes down to me saying something like “ oh I don't know but I was thinking these things ( which are never good thoughts BTW) and then I thought this and did this” or simply " I don't know why I did this”. Even I'm tired of the same answers now.

Why has he not walked away? I asked him the same. He said because he loves me. He says he has faith that his unconditional love for me will probably make me come around some day and even if that doesn't happen, he knows that I will be a total mess without him and will be depressed the rest of my life and can't see me that way. The thought of what will happen to me breaks his heart. Which is true BTW, if he walks out today, I'm no one and there's no one for me.

Can he do better? Oh my, yes and a billion times better. TBH, anything would be better than this but truth is he can easily do better than me. He is a handsome , charming, well mannered man, with means and comes from a reputed family. I have seen girls approaching him and even mother's wanting their daughters to get married to him. I, on the other hand, am very short, very skinny, to a point that I look malnourished and poor, clothes don't look good on me, I would get noticed I a crowd but because of how odd I look. The only thing I'm good at is talking. I could impress someone by talking about something I know and understand. So the question is why me? Well, it started off by him helping me to get out of a situation (which again I had created) and then he says cared for me more each day and fell in love. He is an emotional man, though tough on the outside. He doesn't connect emotionally too quick to anyone or anything but if does, he'd give his all and be true to the relationship, no matter what the relationship is. I am the exact opposite of that.

Have I tried to change? Yes, a million times. Have I made efforts to be better? Yes, but my brain has told me to do so, it doesn't come naturally to me. Do I care for anyone other than him? Yes, I have strong feelings of protection and love towards my siblings even though I've always been the giver in that equation. With him, I've always be the taker. every few days I tell myself that I'll be a good person now, but my lack of empathy, failure to see others emotions and problems, and love for my own comfort takes over too soon without any extra effort.

Do I love him? Yes, from my heart I do. Everything lights up when he's around, everything is lovely. Even the busy streets look unfamiliar and sad when he's not in the city. I light up when he's in the . I want him to stay healthy happy and prosper. I want him to probably fall in love with someone nice so he knows what being loved is like, I know it because I have being loved for these 15 years. He's my trophy and can never shut up about what a good human he is and how lucky am I to have him. Everyone around me knows I'm more than lucky. This is what I feel in my heart. But, my actions say completely the opposite.

This has been the story for 15 years, there were some beautiful years in this relationship. But that was when I had him for me physically and emotionally, not financially. Ever since he started providing for me financially too, I've become the worst I could have ever been.

He wants to marry and I don't know if I should destroy him anymore because I'm now almost certain that I can't be a better person. I know he will still be with me till his last breath, he wants us to have kids, a house, a happy life and grow old together. I don't know if I wouldn't mess up again. In fact, I'm confident that I will, just like I've always done, without fail. I don't want to put him through the pain again. He is already at his lowest low because of me, thought still laughs and spreads happiness. Only we know what he is really going through and because of whom, no one else does. Yet, he does not want me to live alone. What do I do? What is the right thing to do?
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replied June 17th, 2019
There is a lot to what you have said. It's interesting that you can view the relationship outside of yourself and see that he is good for you but that you don't act like he is a blessing in your life. One thing I will offer for you to consider is that in the beginning of a relationship, the early fireworks that are also called limerence can wear off and that will happen with any relationship that you in. In a good relationship, what is left where limerence was is friendship, companionship, etc. For some people, the realization that the fireworks fade in time with every relationship is often helpful. I wish you the best in making your decision.
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