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In need of advice - please, please let me know what you think


I met somebody a month ago whilst in another area of the world. She's clever, funny, stunningly beautiful and a damn good kisser. I've never met anyone like her and she seems to feel the same way about me. We spent all our time during our month away together and everything was great. One of the best months I've EVER had. the only thing that struck me was how often she apologised about things and she could get a little timid when with large groups of people.

Then, when it came to leave, it turns out that she's living about 200 hundred miles away as an artist in the middle of nowhere. Fine by me. I was more than happy to make it work. She's only there for the next 6 months and then she's moving about 20 miles away from me. She surprised me by coming to see me a few days later and when it came time for her to go, I had a few days off so I was really keen to make it work still and so I went to visit her. We had an amazing time again. She got quite distressed on one occasion where she made some tiny mistake on something. She occasionally said she was 'an idiot' or 'useless' about really small things.

anyway, I asked whether she wanted to keep the relationship going and she started to get really worked up. Lots of tears and she became quite panicked. she explained that she had been in an abusive relationship about a year ago and that it had driven her to the point of considering suicide. She finally got out, thanks to her friends but she then got into another relationship almost immediately afterwards with a very cold and detached guy. they then broke up about a month before I met her. A lot of her friends were saying that she needed to spend time by herself and not with a guy to 'get better' as she put it, and she was really conflicted because she really wanted to be with me but she was worried that I'd find out 'how crazy and useless' she was.

Anyway, I said that I didn't care and that I really wanted to be with her. It could be on her terms, if she needed space then I could just see her once a month or whatever and we could talk on Skype and send letters - whatever allows her to have time to herself to recover her confidence. I've been trying to read up on any ways I can support as well. The concerning thing is that I'm starting to wonder if she actually does need to be single to gain that confidence. A lot of online articles say this. I mean I can't do it all for her. Not really. It's got to come from inside.

The last week we did really well (it was our first week being apart) but it turns out that her ex and his friend came to stay at hers (the distant one, not the abusive one) - he was competing in a swimming event and had arranged it AGES ago. She didn't tell me it was her ex and just said it was a couple of friends but I figured it out on the day that he was down.

We had an argument about it - well, I say argument. She was just apologising and getting really down on herself. I know that it's entirely possible that something dodgy was going on, but honestly it wasn't. I am 100 percent certain that nothing happened. She was just really scared to tell me that he was staying and was really scared to tell him that he couldn't stay. She didn't want to hurt anyone and she didn't have the confidence to be honest with me.

Anyway, this spurred her on to insist that she was bad news and couldn't love anyone and was a terrible person again, despite my insistance that it all stems from her kindness. She said that she was really sorry but she might have to end things so that she can be alone. She didn't think she was good enough to be with me.

We've left things where she's going to think about it overnight and give me a ring once she's done some hiking. I really, really feel torn on this. I'm head over heels for her and she is so great to be around but maybe the best thing for her is that I let her go. she has said that she worries about doing the right thing to make me happy and I'd hate for her to do something because she was trying to please me, rather than because she wanted to.

Basically, I'm just a bit drained and gutted about the situation. I think it's important that the decision over whether we stay together needs to be made by her. She really hasn't had the chance to make choices in the past. That said, if she wants to try to be together is there anything I can do to help? Would counselling be a good idea? Would it be best to step back so that she can heal by herself? If she says she wants to end it then THAT IS GOING TO BE TOUGH. I don't really know what I'll do and it's scarily tempting to try to really persuade her to stay with me. I really won't do that to her, but I honestly think we can get through the whole thing together. ARRRGGGHH. Nightmare.

Anyway, that's my dilemma. sorry to ramble. What do you guys think?
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replied September 8th, 2010
Community Volunteer
You didn't say how long she was with the abusive ex. Regardless he really got to her and it will take time for her to get to a point to where she knows that she is worthy of someone like you.

Has she been to counseling, like maybe a support group for people who have been abused. It worked wonders for me and made me stronger and confident in who I am.

For now be her friend and she will see that she is NOT her confidence.

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replied September 9th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
yea i agree with sure if you explained to her that you are here for her and you care a lot for her but will give her time, she should respect you for this. hope it works out for you...Jenny
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