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In-laws creating stress in our relationship

Do your in-laws cause stress in your marriage?
yes
no
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Total Votes : 4
I'm a newlywed of 6 months. I love my husband, he's everything I could ever ask for. Unfortunately, my in-laws are not. To give you some background, he comes from a family who has never been what you'd call financially stable. They've pretty much always been living from paycheck to paycheck. I'm from a pretty well-off family, I wouldn't exactly call us rich or anything, but my parents knew how to save money and I learned from them. The problem is, my in-laws seem to find something wrong with that. My husband and I try to live on a budget, and save money for the future, so there's a lot of things that we give up in order to do that. Especially in this economy I think its important to save. And they seem to think that I'm trying to deprive my husband in some way. They're always asking questions like "why can't you just go out and spend (insert amount here)?" My husband and I do take care of all our needs, and even some of our wants, but to them it just doesn't seem enough. Its like they want my husband to get to spend all the money he wants from my paycheck, and then all of his! They've made rude (and completely untrue) comments about how "He's giving all his money to her" and asked nosy questions like "Who's name is on the account that you put your money into?" (which is also a ridiculous question since we have a joint account). To sum up, I would never do anything to harm or deprive my husband. I love him very dearly, and those who take the time to know me can see that. Which brings me to the second issue with my in-laws: not only do they accuse me of these things, but they don't even want to listen if I try to explain what's really going on! Every time I try to assure my mother-in-law that I have no ill intentions, she just says "I don't care what you all do, that's your all's business". How do you deal with someone like that? I really want to get along with my in-laws, not only for my husband's sake but because I do actually believe they're good people and are worth getting along with. I would appreciate any suggestions and/or links to resources that might help.

Thanks
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replied February 19th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
I had problems like this but on both sides, my in-laws can't stand me and the relationship between my parents is iffy.

A few solutions I could think off

-Keep conversations generalized, finances are a personal thing and I think you need to explain that you and hubby can make your own choices. Politely of course!

-In a marriage money is a whole, therefore its no longer a his or hers but if you had agreed with hubby to save some up, then it was a mutual agreement. You may need to talk to your hubby and have him explain that you work as a team and all decisions made are for the betterment of your marriage.

-Living paycheck to paycheck is not reliable but it is also not reliable to save up all your money, RRSP, RESP(for kids) extra spending money is what should be saved. 10K$ should be the max you save up, for any spontaneous trips or jobloss, especially with recession on the corner.

Paper is paper unless it has some type of use, therefore 20$ is nothing until it is applied to something.


My personal opinion on this is she is not going to be happy if you spend it or if you save it, sounds to me like she isn't to happy with her life that she need concern herself with yours. I seriously suggest cutting them off or keeping them at arms length, it is frustrating and it will hurt your marriage eventually. You need to be very firm and ask her not to meddle in your personal affairs, you are both adults and make consentual agreements to what is taking place.

A marriage consist of two people not hubby, wife and mom and I think you really need to have a deep chat with your hubby!
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replied February 19th, 2009
Thanks for your response, I agree completely with all you said. My hubby and I have had several long chats about this, and i talked to my godmother about it too, she said pretty much the same things that you did. I may never be able to get her to stop meddling, at best I can probably just smile and nod, and go on with life. Because my husband and I are certainly not doing anything wrong, and we're not changing just to please her. I just have to reassure myself that I know what I'm doing and that its with all good intentions.
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replied February 19th, 2009
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Does your husband discuss or answer her when she asks about finances? If so, then he needs to stop.

He needs to politely tell her that these discussions are off-limits. Finances are one of those things that I consider to be between husband and wife...

Trust me, once a family member knows what amount you have in your accont and they hit hard times they will want a portion...
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replied May 16th, 2009
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i agree you that's none of there business. if they dont like it too bad. you shouldnt have to explain anything to anybody.
my girlfriend went through something like that with her husband. her in-laws said that her husband gives his whole paycheck to her and only keeps $20 a week. she has 5 kids, and they live pay check to pay check. but everyone has an opinion. what started this is the husband told a family member he only keep xxx out of his check.
but my bestfriend always have problems with her mother-in law.
dont forget the saying you married the man, not his family. trust me your going to get tired of it.
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