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im at wits end and am asking for your help before its to late

please please some one read this i know its very long but it all leads up to where I'm at now and i really need help i beg you to read my story i have nowhere else to turn


Alright so I've never done anything like this before and don't no where to begin ... i don't want anyone to pity me or my problems but would love to get some a help maybe encouragement on what to do and how to .... to start of my names Dylan i grew up in a small town in n.j. I'm only 19 ,how ever with all the problems I'm facing and emotions I'm feeling i feel like I'm 75. for a little background info on my life i was a 90's baby my mom and biological father were never married , my father died of a heart attack he was only 30 years old when it happened and i wasn't even 2 years old . my mother and him had split when i was just 6 months old .my sister and i shared the same mother and father .my mom met a new guy where she worked who became my step father who till this day i consider my real father he raised me and paid for everything . my step dad had a problem though it was alcohol , every day for him was working coming home an drinking beer day after day for years he did this and still hasn't changed ,as far as i can remember it was taken to a whole another level when i was 5 i got what he called a woodshed beating , bringing me to the backyard and welting my rear end with a thin stick that would make a whipping noise leaving welts. from that day on abuse became more common and i became afraid . years went by and nothing changed his anger became worse as well as my rage burning with fury inside .when i was in 4th grade i talked back to him when he yelled at me for getting detention he pushed me i fell backwards and my elbow smashed into the handle on the cabinet under the kitchen sink my elbow hyper extended with 2 fractures and a chip in the bone and was in a cast for 3 months. in 6 the grade my father punched me closed fist cause i got into a fight in school i had a broken nose . but some where in the next year it all changed i was now taller then him could hold my own we began getting along acting like a father and son i realized i was in wrong all those years and deserved what i got , in 7th grade i got a job landscaping and began skipping school. 12dollars an hour at 14 years old was plenty of cash for me to do what ever i wanted and buy all the weed and cigarettes i wanted.. so missed 17 days and got caught from my mother when the school finally called . but it didn't stop me 8th grade i started drinking and smoking about 3.5 grams of weed per day and a little bit under a full pack of cigarettes i still continued to Skipp school with friends and random kids in my grade , i had it hard in school i was an a + student up until 7th grade when everything got so confusing i didn't get it anymore i felt stupid the work got harder and i wasn't picking it up as quick as i used to or as fast as the other kids , i new i was better then that so i said screw it and began missing more and more school and decided 12 $ an hour was better then sitting in a classroom working for nothing , my mom left for work before i went to school so it was easy to skip , i missed 80 days out of 180 that year ... they held me back in 8thgrade my closest friends went to high school and i stayed back ,that was the summer that would change my life for ever , i tried ecstasy and liked the feeling or loved it , i began experimenting with other drugs like acid , mushrooms , PCP , mescalin , it took the edge off of my family life problems with my friends it was my answer to everything 8th grade year started again i was already 16 when school started , that year i wasn't working any longer but i kept skipping any way and missed 120 days out of 180 they put me on home bound and sent a teacher to my house to make up the work i missed and to take state testing . they actually illegally pushed me into my freshman year cause they didn't want a 17 year old boy in 8th grade i could have drove my self in witch bothered me , freshman year i was kicked out for being wrongfully accused of hitting a school security guard my friend did punched him and the security guard put his hands around his throat i simply got between them to brake it up but just for touching him got arrested charged with aggravated assault, i tried to fight it and i still got kicked out and sent to a behavior school on the naval base a few towns away how ever it was not ran by anyone in the navy just reg teachers i liked this school i could curse at the teachers and not get in trouble pretty much just talked all day and barley did any work maybe one page per class it was in this school where there was another program for drug addicts and kids who were in juvie this this kid i met there smuggled in theses pills it was there that i tried Roxies for the first time and fell in love Roxies are prescription pills known as blues oxy condone jawns or oxy's they were 30 mg little blue pills i was hooked from that day , i started selling weed to get money for my habit robbing my mothers purse for up to a hundred dollars at a time for money we didn't have being a lower middle class family with 7 people living in a 3 bedroom house, home life wasn't all that bad but my dad would scream about the dumbest things for no reason I'm guessing it was the alcohol i continued to do theses pills for a few years selling what ever drugs i could to turn a profit for my fix i was selling my most prized possessions for theses things the best way to describe them is government heroin in pill form only able to get through prescription. as much as i hated the fact i was junkie and as bad as i wanted to quit i didn't even try , i know it doesn't make sense but any drug addict or former addict will tell you the same thing by now Ive done every drug in the book besides meth and n i never shot up only cause i was afraid of needles , i dropped out cause school was to long id be withdrawing from them by ten am and would have to go another 2 hours till i got home i began robbing my friends people i didn't no my parents my sisters anyway to get money i did.... Oct 2011 i ran out of money robbed 2 houses for scrap metal and got caught and charged with 2 counts of burglary and 2 counts of theft i spent 16 days in jail before my mom bailed me out , drugs made me lose all my friends my family be littled' me i was a nobody and still am i then said this isn't me , something clicked and i quit cause i was striving for my life i used to have before drugs , i was never able to quit before i tried but the withdraw was two bad so i got suboxone witch is withdraw medication i only took it for two days and i was good , but i still felt like the same scummy kid i am i did it for my friends that i lost for my family i made suffer and i did it to prove to myself i still have hope of becoming someone important .I've been clean only 2 months now with not even an urge to do anything at all . but i don't feel different everything i strived for for no longer seems important the people i thought would be proud of me weren't i still befriended by more then 60 percent of the greatest friends a man can ever have the kind of friends that you can hand a million dollars to and wouldn't spend a dime the other 40 percent were my dealers and my junkie friends but they didn't like me just my money i gave them this is when i realized it didn't matter anymore no one cares if I'm clean or a junkie i could die and no one would care ... hell they would probably laugh , i m so filled up with guilt i cant even talk to anyone one about it i couldn't if i wanted to anyone cause no one would listen to me cause i was a junkie and type out this huge biography on my life through out my life i told my self i was gonna be someone being the second oldest my sister never graduated so i was gonna be the one to set the example for my little sisters so they had had someone to look up to but it didn't work out although i encouraged them and still am to do good i tell them to learn from my mistakes . my whole family frowns upon me like I'm scummy my dad favors my little sisters cause there his actual blood ,its still been two months and i constantly think about everything i did and it hurts me so bad that i went so wrong i don't even believe in god and i ask who ever is up there why me I'm 19s years old never had a job on the books I'm a convicted felon with a 9th grade education for every problem in my life i fix two more come along its building up and its killing me i have no family or friends to talk to i mean i do have friends but they just pretend to care and say yeah , mhhmmmm , OK , and oh that sucks to everything i say . i can honestly say I'm at the lowest point in my life and was happier when i was on drugs i really was to define my self id say I'm extremely depressed my anxiety is it at skis limit i have constant thought s of how much of a screw up i am , and how much easier everyone life would be with out me I'm deprived of sleep all the time ,my mind runs ramped when i go to lay down to fall asleep for example its 5 19 in the morning I'm wide awake sharing my miserable pathetic life with a bunch of people i don't know cause i have no one else , i have one person i believe i can trust and talk to shes been a great friend of mine since she moved here and I've helped her with her problems a lot the only thing is i don't want her to think I'm crazy her names Samantha, and shes one of the most amazing people i ever met i just don't want to scare her away and I'm afraid if i talk to her she might think I'm nuts the thing is i love this girl and she doesn't know that i do she also doesn't know that I'm slowly going insane on the inside , i cant tell her because she just got out of a bad relationship and cause we have been friends for so long its kinda past the point of making it a boyfriend girlfriend thing its how some people would say they were just extremely good friends and don't wanna mess up a great friendship witch is also driving me crazy shes probably the only one i can talk to yet i freeze up every time i try to tell her ... i guess some things wont change i just hope this depression ,anxiety , oppression , stress , turns out to be a learning experience for me , but for the time being I'm still a delinquent former drug addict scummy convict who dropped out of school who has no job who just want happiness in a stress free zone with the girl of my dreams , sometimes i think I'm better off dead or alone but really there's no difference if your alone your dead and if your dead your alone sincerely

- Dylan m k
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replied February 2nd, 2012
Experienced User
Dylan,

You didn't deserve any of that physical punishment as a child. I suspect that's where all the bad things stem from.

You say you've taken many drugs but they don't solve anything do they? Just make you feel good for a few hours, maybe.

You say you have no money, steal from everyone you know and take $100 at a time from your Mum's purse. Given you say you are clean, why are you stealing now?

Definitely do NOT talk to that girl. She will know what you are or have been very quickly as you sound very ill.

Your only real choice is to go see a doctor and get a referral, I'd suggest to a shrink as your problems are many and deep.

And don't say you can't afford it as you could afford street drugs.

There is little of value I can offer you as it is you and you only who needs to change and fix the many problems. But start with a doctor and a shrink. Be honest, if that's possible. Don't exaggerate and do not hide info from them else they can't help.
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replied February 2nd, 2012
Experienced User
"i realized i was in wrong all those years and deserved what i got"

I can't say this strongly enough: NO YOU DIDN'T. Children do NOT deserve to be beaten and abused. EVER.

You really seem like you have an awful lot to deal with, and it sounds like you're at least a little overwhelmed by it. I would too, were I in your place. Have you considered looking for someone professional to talk to, even if it's just to vent? Without a job, I'd guess you have limited means, but you could contact the United Way resource line, just dial 211 or check them out online at http://www.211.org/ . There are a lot of resources available, you just have to start looking.

I'm reminded of some of the things I did as a teen. Post back when you can, let us know how things are going.
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