Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

I was in a not-so-good relationship with a person

I think I was in a not-so-good relationship with a person. They have left me alone for the past year, now, and I try my best not to evereverever think about it, because it hurts and I can't breathe when I do...but my relationships with other persons are so very difficult now...the person before, they always made me feel like, if I ever tried to confront them about how they behaved, like I was the one who hurt them instead. They would say that I hurt them, that yes I was awful, but that they 'loved me too much' and so they stayed with me even though I was bad. They made me feel like I would hurt anybody I loved, and so I shouldn't be with anybody but them, because they could handle it, because they loved me so much.

And they threatened me with leaving a lot, a lot...sometimes I would just say okay...I would say that I loved them but if leaving me would make them happy then I truly did want it for them and I wished them well...and they did not seem to like it, sometimes they would just come back a few days later and not even mention any of it, and make me feel like I was crazy and maybe I had dreamed it or something like this...and they would just carry on with small talk, as if nothing had ever happened at all, but I always felt like I was on thin ice...always always always...they would get jealous of everybody I knew to the point where I couldn't mention anybody to them at all...if I did they would say they were worried I would like that new person better, and then they would say that they loved me 'too much', they would ask over and over and over again 'do you love me?', how much did I love them, was I in love with them, were they my most important person, did they deserve me, they would say how important I was to them, etc....they had romantic feelings for me, but I did not for them (I thought I did and said so, twice during the four or five years I knew them, but then I would lose those feelings and have to tell them...and I feel so guilty about that, that I took back my romantic feelings for them...but whenever I did have feelings for them and told them so, they would scare me with the things they said sometimes...I specifically said a lot that I was not ready for a sexual relationship with anybody and that speaking about sexual things upset me very much but they would still say things, sometimes quickly and then change the subject so that I could not reply...they would tell me they had wet dreams about me, sometimes specific things in bed they wanted to do to me (once they said I remember that they would pull my hair). They would speak in detail about their sexual experiences with other people. They would ask me if I masturbated, how, how often. Sometimes they would say something sweet, like how they dreamt about holding my hand, and say they were scared I'd be upset if they told me this...if I asked them why they thought I would be upset they would say because they knew I hated talking about things like that...but I only ever asked them not to speak about sexuality, never ever ever anything else, and I talked about wanting platonic affection with them lots, like wanting to hug them and things like this all the time.... Later on they would use this to guilt me all the time...like they would ask me if I loved them, and I would say because I did just not romantically, and they would say 'but not like I love you', and they would say I was so important to them, and speak like I was a bad person because I did not feel the same...(even during those two times when I had thought I had feelings for them, though, they still remained in relationships with other people. we were never officially in a romantic relationship, just a mutual acknowledgement of feelings, but they would always use this in certain ways...they would make me talk to their significant other on iming systems and if I tried to say I didn't want to, I wasn't in the mood, etc. they would get very mad and give me the silent treatment...they would tell me they loved me more than their significant other, that they would break-up with them for me if I asked them to (thankfully I never did)...if I ever spoke about wanting to date somebody or get married etc. (in a theoretical way, like 'one day maybe I'd like to date a boy who is like this or that...' etc.) they would get upset and say they didn't want me to be with anybody else. But they would always talk about their significant others, in detail, and how they were making plans to move in, wanted to get married, etc. They would give me pictures of them and their significant other, tell me about all of their dates, prioritize their significant other a lot which would be okay! except they would do it sometimes during time they had planned out for me (which was often only an hour or two a week), or if I had been bad and not done things they'd asked me to do etc....they would always ask me if I was jealous and I would tell them no and that I was happy for them because it was true, I was happy...but they would keep asking a lot...sometimes their significant others would break-up with them, and I wonder now why, because...they told me once when a significant other broke-up with them they told them that if they left them they would try to kill themselves. they often would say they wanted to commit suicide, but they would tell me so and then leave for weeks on end so I would agonize thinking what if they had...and then they would come back as if nothing had ever been wrong at all and not talk about it. sometimes they would disappear suddenly and then come back suddenly sending me suicidal emails in the middle of the night. i would beg them to call a suicide hotline or get an adult and i remember once they laughed and said i was all they needed. i would say please please please get help and they would ignore it completely and only speak to me and the only way i could calm them down was if i told them i loved them and missed them and go on entire essays worth of words all about how much i loved them, to please not die, please, and then they would say they would try, that they loved me and needed me and missed me so much. they would accuse me of not missing them enough when they were gone, that i wasn't as sad as they were, that i never missed them as much as they missed me. i would have to 'prove' how much i missed them: describe in detail how painful it was for me to be missing them, how worried i was. they would make me relive how terrible it was to not know if they were okay, to worry about them being suicidal nonstop for weeks or even months on end, they would make me relive all of this until they thought it sufficient enough to believe that i missed them and loved them... sometimes they would ask me why i loved them and if i thought they deserved me and make me describe in intense detail all the reasons why i loved them. i tried to say that i loved them because they were them, as a person, but they would want me to give specific reasons, like how kind they were how funny how they made me feel etc. i'm a writer and they only ever wanted me to write about them, all my poems, all my stories. they said that everything they wrote was for me. but they would be always very passive aggressive, like implying that all their writings were about me, so why weren't all of mine about them? i would have to dig through all my folders to find poems i had written about them to give to them, like to prove that i loved them...if i hadn't written about them in a while they would get upset...sometimes they told me i made them want to die. and for the life of me i can't remember why and i'm so scared i was mean...they would get awful mad about the smallest of things. once they were irritable about their day going badly or something like this and they smashed their phone against the wall and it broke. they came to me in the middle of the night hysterical and saying they wanted to kill themselves and their mother wouldn't buy them a new one (she did right after though...) and they didn't have any money...i offered to buy a new one for them because they were scaring me so much and they said no, like they would not have me help them but they would not calm down or anything like this...if their significant others broke-up with them they would be horribly upset for weeks on end, talking about suicide, about how terrible it was, about how broken they were...even during good times they would often not ask about me at all. it would be mostly about them sometimes...how hard their life was...how i was the only thing that made it worth living and they loved me 'too much'...if there were ever any blank silences in our conversations they would accuse me of not wanting to talk to them...or if i seemed distracted...sometimes they would keep me up very late even though i had school and homework and am severely chronically ill and if i tried to leave they would get suspicious, say i didn't love them enough...sometimes i would make up lies just to get away, like telling them my parents needed me for something or i had to pick-up my sister from school, just to get away...i was going through severe health problems (dying...) but they rarely wanted to hear it. i had a lot of painful medical procedures that had to be done and if i told them about them even though they were hard for me to speak about they would just say that they had been through more painful things and proceed to tell me about those instead of listening to me about my experiences...a lot of my problems about anything would be turned like this into theirs, and i would have to comfort them even though i was hurting and exhausted and upset myself then...they made me feel so rotten on the inside. I would leave a conversation with them, and when you have just spoken with a person you love, you are supposed to feel good inside...like the world is a little bit brighter, do you know? but when I left a conversation with them I just felt so awful, deep down inside, like I was decaying somewhere. dark and dank and awful and hollow and tired and afraid, i was always afraid...i would constantly check my messages worrying that they had sent me one, dreading, scared that if i missed one they would be upset with me. scared that they would be suicidal again and it would somehow be my fault. i had to speak a certain way, say certain things...i felt like i was walking on eggshells...all the time....even if we hadn't spoken for a while and i was with my family or relaxing or about to fall asleep i was always thinking of them and terrified. it got to a point where i was scared because they knew my address and i was horrified that they would send me something poisonous in the mail or come to my house and it seems so awfully silly and far-fetched! but it scared me anyways, i still frantically read and reread the sender addresses on any mail my family gets to make sure it isn't from them, that they can't hurt us...i avoid anything that reminds me of them, tv shows, foods, people, their name, people with their hair or eye color or nose or chin, books they liked, things i liked while i knew them, ideas, thoughts, feelings, memories, oh, anything...

speaking about this is hurting very much so I think I need to stop now, um, please, I'm very sorry...and i read that abused persons often become abusers. everybody hears about those stories, maybe, i think so...and when i was first trying to admit to myself that i was being abused (I am still trying to admit to myself...i don't want to call it abuse yet), some of the first things i read would say this, in big bold letters, like a warning. and i was so horrified that i might become like them, and might not even know it. i took tons of tests online to see if i was displaying any abusive behaviors. i am sososo scared. i cannot be friends with anybody because i am so scared that i will be as awful to them as that person was to me. that i will leave them with that awful dead feeling in the pit of their chest instead of making them smile and joyful and feel the sunshine and be happy...i am so terrified that i could be such a bad person. i feel bad. i feel like there are ruined parts of me deep down. like i am rotten deep down inside. i wish i could scrape out the bad parts from me with a spoon, scrape out the inside of my chest until i knew for sure i was kind. i just wanna be good. i don't want to hurt anybody ever at all but what if i do what if i don't even know it what if i am like the person who hurt me and i might not even know it? what if i hurt the persons i love...i am so lonely and hurt and scared but I can't bear to let myself speak with anybody because I'm so scared that I might be bad to them...I'm so scared...

and I'm really, really, really sorry about all of this, oh, I'm so sorry...I have never truly spoken about this in all the years and I am worried that if I try to write this better I will be unable to say it at all...I don't sound like me very much in this letter and I am so sorry for sounding so cold and mean and I hope I haven't upset anybody and thank you if you've even just thought about reading this...I am so sorry about all the grammar but I don't think I can read through this all again...I've missed so much to add to this but I think I might burst if I try to remember anything else I'm really sorry... and I'm sorry about all of this, but I just, oh gosh, I just wanted to say something, maybe, I think so...I hope it's okay...I hope I haven't been awful, I'm so sorry if I have, please tell me if you think I am, please...please don't feel like you have to reply to this, please not at all! I just really wanted to say this somewhere...please be well and I hope you have a good day, I hope so so much. ;.; <3

love and best wishes,
-Baby N.
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replied February 16th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

The last time I read something in your style of writing was in the "Men Only" magazine of the early 1970's when there was a fashion for such things.

I assume your use of words such as "they" or "them" are not plural but are being used as a device to remove respect or importance from the singular subject? The use of such devices is quite old-fashioned today and so little used many modern readers would not understand.

I would be interested to know your age? The inference of your writing is you are a girl of about middle teens but your writing and much of the description seems that of someone much older.

In truth I would like to read it all again written in a more factual literary way without the devices and excesses of your prose style. I feel it would then be easier to offer advice.

On the face of things I have the impression you do not revel in the thrust and parry of the more normal style of dialogue and you avoid conflict as much as you avoid repartee.

It seems your abuser is something of a bully and you have made it easy for him by being a good victim. However it began I think it soon developed into a game where he would find enjoyment manipulating you and pressuring you and treading on your personal taboos and trying to break down your sexual barriers. It is probable he didn't begin as a bully but your personality and demeanour has had the effect that a red rag is said to have on a bull.
I strongly suspect his threats of suicide and displays of temper are, or began as, mere play-acting for effect.

While you haven't been subjected to abuse in any of the more conventional senses it is unlikely to feel that way to you. It is true someone who has been abused is more likely to become an abuser by instinct but that really applies only to those who are indoctrinated into being almost a willing victim of abuse or those who have submitted to abuse because it was inevitable and could not escape and over an extended period. It is the indoctrination process that causes serial behaviour but the result is not inevitable or irreversible.
I do not think you should have such fears for yourself.

Clearly you need to distance yourself from that person and your future prospects are likely to be much improved if you could increase your assertiveness.

Please come back if you need more.
Good luck!
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