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i Want to get out of this hole, 57 yr f with autistic son,

Why do i always feel suicidal? I can't kill myself because I have a 12-year old autistic son and I can't do that to him. His father killed himself when my son was 4 (actually shot himself in the head on my son's 4th birthday). I have no one and nothing in my life, other than my son and two older children, who really don't care that much about me. I am always angry lately. I find myself yelling at strangers in stores and getting in arguments with people. I have so much rage inside of me. Before my car accident (which was the other guys' fault and luckily a witness came forward), I had the worst road rage -- it was terrible. One time in the supermarket parking lot, a young woman said that I had hit her car with my door, which I hadn't, and I slammed my fist into her passenger side window (she was with a boyfriend or husband). They said they were going to call police, so I left. What can I do? Please help me.

I was married for 14 years to my first husband, who was a gambler and drug addict. He also physically abused me. I married young, at 20 years old. I was so in love and put up with so much just to keep my family together. You see, my kids were my only biological relative who I had, since I was adopted. I feel like, somewhere in my marriage, I lost myself and I lost my spirit. I haven't been in a relationship in 13 years. I have no friends. I have gained about 30 pounds. Lately I am always angry -- at everything and everyone. I find myself sometimes yelling at strangers and getting into arguments with them over trivial things. I have so much rage inside of me. It has gotten worse since my adoptive mother died. She had adopted me first and then 4 years later adopted another girl. Well, my father died much earlier and left everything to them. I was married at the time and got NOTHING since my father had no will and everything went to my "mother" and "sister". When my adoptive mother died in 2013, she left EVERYTHING - all her money and houses and jewelry and furniture -- to my "sister".

I am currently living in public housing (the "projects"), struggling to make ends meet. It just isn't fair. My father never would have wanted this to happen. My sister never left home or got married (she just recently got married after my mother died). I am always wishing and praying that she will get a terrible disease and suffer in agony until she dies. I feel that would be justice. Life should not be something that you have to get through, but it is for me right now. I'm on antidepressants, Prozac and Abilify, but I stopped the Abilify because of the weight gain. It doesn't matter because I was this way before i stopped the Abilify.

I used to be a heroin addict -- I made those wrong choices in my late 30s and early 40s. I had recently moved to Florida and I guess I picked the wrong friends, but I was so desperate for friendship at the time. I got clean after coming back to Massachusetts. Believe it nor, I came back here to get closer to my "mother". I feel like she never loved me and she definitely acted that way, always favoring my younger sister.

I have been clean since October of 2007 and am on suboxone. I still have a hard time believing that I was a junkie and everything that goes with that. I got hep. C and it caused cirrhosis of my liver in just 3 years. I now am clear of hep. c after treatment but that doesn't help the cirrhosis. I hate living with this chronic condition. To make things, I got into a car accident on April 27th and totaled my car. Who knows if I will even get any money for it since it was an old car. So now I feel like I'm trapped in my house and depending on cabs and sometimes my older son or daughter to give me a ride somewhere.

Why is it such a struggle to go through this life? When is anything ever going to get any better? Life shouldn't be something you just have to get through -- you should have some enjoyment out of it. I just want to lay down and go to sleep and never wake up sometimes. I haven't showered or changed in about a week at least (since my inside cat got outside through a defective screen). My hair is dirty and greasy and I probably smell nasty. I am not usually like that. I feel so disgusting but have no energy and really don't care about taking a shower or washing my hair. I have posted notes all over the neighborhood for my cat and still haven't found her. I love her so much. I know she's just a cat, but I really do love her and miss her. I feel like I can't go on without her. She has been gone for a week now.

Like I said, tomorrow is my birthday and I will be 57 years old. I'm in the late part of my life and have nothing to show for it. Nothing. I have no husband or boyfriend, no friends, no happiness, no joy.

I don't know what to do anymore. My 12-year old son says "you are the best mom", and I say "no, I'm not". He's the only reason I am still here. I could never commit suicide and leave him with that guilt, especially after his father did it to him. I need someone to tell me what to do to try to improve my life. I can't imagine living for many more years in this condition. Can someone please give me some suggestions? Thank you so much.
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First Helper dreamergirl528
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replied May 29th, 2015
It sounds to me like you have severe depression and need medication and counseling. You are not alone in this world; people do care. I wish you the best of luck.
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