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I want to change my path

I'm 42 years old and have had numerous relationships with a few things in common. I cannot ever seem to find a comfortable place. A place where I am secure with the relationship. I have realized this is something inside me. It's not the relationship or the man I am involved with. Once I feel that he is secure and knowing I still am not, I tend to take steps (unknowingly) to destroy the relationship. I want a life partner so I know I have to stop this cycle. I am searching for help in becoming more secure with ME. I think this is the key but any suggestions are welcome.

I worry myself to death when we aren't together. When I don't know where he is or what he's doing. I do know without a doubt that he loves me and I believe I do trust him. This worry always seems to come as anger to him. He ends up shutting down and not talking about it. I'm the type that likes to talk about things so this is extremely hard but I find the strength the wait. Once we start talking again, it's always the same. He is worried that we are going down a familiar path. We need to change that path and I believe it starts with me. How do I control these feelings and start to feel secure again? There is much more to the situation but I don't want to bore you.

I would love to find a good book or audio book to help me with my own security issues. Anyone know of one?
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replied November 15th, 2011
Community Volunteer
Hi sp2530 and welcome to ehealth: I am sorry, but I don't know of a book, but only life...Confidence in oneself is not an easy thing to define...To me, it comes from the relaxing and ease that you feel with your partner...I think if you are not secure in his being the right one that you will show it...This can be defined by being picky and looking for problems that are not there...

How do you learn to stop it?...You just plain stop it...Put the brakes on yourself...Don't repeat mistakes from the past, that is if you feel that this guy is really the man of your dreams...As for me, I kind of think that this is the key to happiness...That being, just being madly in love with the guy from the start...Hope it goes well...Take care...

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replied November 17th, 2011
Book Idea
Hello SP2530...I think you are probably right that focusing on improving your self-confidence and emotional health is key to this situation. Sounds so cliche, but it will be far better for you to enter a lifelong relationship when you're in a place of wholeness and confidence. It's hard, for sure, especially when we don't even understand our own reasons for our reactions, etc.

Anyway, I've heard great reviews of the book "Changes That Heal", by Henry Cloud. Might be worth a try.

Wish you the best!! 4you
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