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I want to bruise my ribs/hips?

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So a while back I used to try to bruise my ribs and hips because I enjoyed the look and the soreness. I stopped and was doing great but then had a couple reminders of that time and now I want more than anything to bruise again. Like if I'm listening to an audiobook or drawing or something I get an almost uncontrollable urge to hit my ribs. It's also kind of connected with the fact that I was sexually assaulted. I was also recently reminded of it at the same time as the bruising reminder and now overtime I think about doing anything sexual or romantic in any way I have a panic attack and start crying. I'm dating someone and we've done intimate stuff in the past but suddenly the thought of it is so incredibly revolting and its makes me want to cry, my hands start to feel numb and I get this tightness of the chest and I can feel panic rising up in me. It wasn't even a major sexual assault it was literally just molestation so I can't figure out why I'm having such a violent reaction to something small?? I don't know what to do about either of these and I just feel really lost.
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replied February 26th, 2018
Hello and welcome to EHF !

I went through your query and i believe it is a borderline personality disorder and the sexual assault you had in past is the likely stressor in your life. You need a good psycho therapist and some anxiolytics to help you with anxiety. Don't worry what happened to you is not your fault and you should not punish yourself for it.

Take care.
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