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I've hated myself since i was 8.

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So - I'm not really the best at explaining things, but I'm gonna do my best so I can get this off my chest. Hi, I'm Savannah and I'm a little over halfway through my 16th year of life. I'm pretty tall (5"10-ish) and I have fairly long, light brown/golden honey, blonde-ish hair. I look okay without make-up on (If you pretend the freaking acne marks aren't there) - but I'm kinda dependent on it. I don't really need eye make-up most of the time, just cover up or foundation. My family thinks I'm crazy because I spend 2 hrs. getting ready everytime we're gonna go somewhere. I like to be clean and never leave the house without a shower. I'm not gonna go into anymore details about that cuz it's wierd - but basically, I have to look great before I leave. I'm such a freaking contradiction, because while I don't really give a crap about other people (I'm quite selfish - a trait I hate but can't really get around..) - I'm always dying to please them as well. I want to be pleasing to the eyes, ears.... all the senses/etc. I want people to like me, but at the same, I tend to be rudely sarcastic to lost of people, because the intimidate me. I'm so nervous and anxious when I'm in school, I can't be myself. I hate it so much! I don't talk very much at school - well it depends. I wasventing to my friend and she recently took a psych class, and based on what I was describing she thinks I have manic depression. I don't like self-diagnosing, but I did the reaserch and it looks like she's right. Omg, it's a freaking bipolar disorder! And I try to deal with it but it's almost like having diff. personalities. Some days I'm like a zombie, I can't really do or think anything and just go through the motions, basically bieng dead inside. Other days I'm unbelievably irritable and just the biggest !**@! ever. The best days are the highs, I like to think that it's the real me: super bubbly, talkative/witty, just filled with so much energy and life - I get so much done. My friends have started to notice this though - it's not really a pattern, but they can identify the moods now. Luckily I have amazing friends, and their love and respect is what keeps me afloat. But I practically live for the high days, and they rarely come. I know it's not hormones, because I've been like this since I was little. I had psychotic episodes when I was little because I was so immature. But that's all my parents thought it was, that I was being immature and wanted their attention. I did want their attention, just not for the reasons they thought. I knew I hated myself in 3rd and 4th grade - I told my parents and they told me to knock it off. I had freaking suicidal thoughts as an 8 year old! What's wrong with me? I don't know why they didn't and still don't believe me, I just can't seem to properly communicate with them to save my life. My mom will look you in the eye and have a conversation with you and respond to everything you say all knowingly and motherly-like - then the next day she barely remembers anything you said, and what she does remember is all jacked up, and she usually blames me for it. I'm her scapegoat - my brother and sister agree with me. You see (more babble time) my told us they were getting a divore on easter of my third grade year, and our relationship just plummeted from there. We are too freaking alike. We both struggle with depression (it runs in the family, yaaay....), are very self-centered, and the list goes on and on. Another reason I loathe myself, because I'll never have a real relationship with her and it kills me, but at the same time I hate her guts! The summer after 7th grade - my Dad was living with his gf, and I loved her! She actually cooked! (my mom stopped after the divorce, all we ate was cereal and mac'n'cheese- we're very very low middle class) She actually helped clean! (mom never even pitched in on the weekends) She was amazing - then it all went wrong. I don't remember the exact events, but I "disrespected" her one day and she went ballistic about it later (if I recall - the reason I disregarded what she said was because it came across as a suggestion to me..). My dad was yelling at me at first, then I explained my pov to him and he didn't understand her rage. It continued like this - their relationship deteriorating - most of the fights bieng based on something involving me. I thought it was my fault and I didn't know why. I would hide in my closet to punish myself when they fought, because I was still afraid of the dark and it was pitch black in there. I still don't know why she came to hate me, I practically worshipped the ground she walked upon. She's the one who ignited my love for cooking and baking. I cater to everybody's culinary needs now - b/c they're to lazy to cook themselves. Anyways, her hatred of me grew and then in one fight with my dad she said she'd kill me. That was the straw - we packed up and left that night, staying in a hotel for a few days. Even after the break up, she harassed my dad via txt and phone calls - always managing to get his new number. She psychologically tormented him for 2-3 years, and I'm not sure if she still does because my dad doesnt want to burden us. I've lived with my dad since the end of 8th grade though, so I could sometimes hear their conversations. I feel so guilty that I caused him so much trouble, but Im glad he protected me. That's another thing - still while all this happened, my relationship with my actual mother kept on deteriorating. There was some disagreement one night, and she started yelling. Yelling makes me panic, I don't like it, and now I talk very low and soft because of all the yelling I've done in the past. People complain about my soft talking alot... Anyways, so my mom started yelling, I freak out and start yelling back, things escalate and I heard things that no child should hear from the person that gave birth to them. I won't list them all - but I can recall some of the less hurtful ones... she said things like "you were a mistake", "you should've never been born", "rot in hell", and many profanities etc. later..... she tells me to get the **** out of her house, that i'm not welcome there, it's not my home, and to never come back. Ironically, I'm typing this at my mom's house, but that's besides the point. The thing is though, when I told my dad all this... he didn't really do anything. Oh well, i thought. Anyways, my mom and i never really worked it out, but she's begging me to come back, my sister told her she's and idiot. That made me laugh. All my mother figures have hated me, except one - my sister. Heck, she practically raised me and my brother, and she's a rockin' role model. But my brother.... well most of my life, he wanted to end my life. He hated, and still kind of hates, my guts. Honestly though, I don't really blame him. Sure, I'm frustrated with my mom scapegoating me and twisting my words all the time. But I don't really blame my brother. Idk why - I was his punching bag until 6 or 7th grade. Once he was in a bad mood and "offended" him, so he started railing on me. I tried to make a run for the phone to cry to our mom, but he blocked my path. I started hitting on him and trying to duck around him, all futily. It wasn't until I called him a bully that he realized the severity of what he was doing and quickly left for his room........ that's about a little less than half of all the bad things that have happened in my life, sorry it was so long! My wrists are tired so I need to stop for now. My brain is jumbled so my writing is too. (Imagine a billion filing cabinets, filed wrong, blown up w/papers everywhere - that's my brain) I didn't want to list the reasons why I hate myself, I find that silly - so I tried to explain them? I'm not sure, I just knew that I needed to do this. I'll try to post more later? Just depends. Don't worry - good things have happened in my life as well, but we all know that the bad tend to weigh heavier of the conscious. Oh, and sorry for the girly teenage writing - atleast I didn't say "like" every other syllable! Any thoughts or comments you may have would be very much appreciated, and god bless you for reading my long and babbly post!
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replied August 13th, 2011
I understand exactly how you are feeling. For years my mom and dad told my brother that using his size to threaten me is not acceptable. But he would do it anyway.and they would just ignore it. They didnt see it so obviously it didnt happen. it got so bad a few years ago. He slammed me into a wall and it sliced my foot, and bruised my shoulder. All because i asked him to hand me my book. The next morning was easter dinner and my mom lied to my Aunt, the person i most admire in the world. She told my aunt i ran into a door. And i was devastated because i thought my mom of all people would have protected me from my brother. And it didnt stop there. One night he criticized my driving, i disagreed quietly and so when i stopped at a stop sign about half a mile from our house, he reached over put the car in park and proceeded to "take over driving" which basically means he slammed me into the drivers window, the dash board and the steering wheel until i finally lost it and yelled until i couldnt even speak anymore until he got out of the car and i drove home as fast as i could. I knew he would be perfectly safe walking home from there. We live in an Extremely ridiculously safe area. He called my mom while i was driving and when i got home she was waiting in the driveway furious with me for "leaving him by himself". She didnt even care that my lip was split, my eye bruised and swollen and my finger broken. She just told me to go to my room and never come out. It seemed that whenever he lost control, he took it out by beating the crap out of me. i felt like his personal punching bag. And my parents were always threatening to kick him out but they never followed through, and he never seemed to get punished either. It made me hate my parents for the majority of my pre-teen and teen years. i never understood how they could blame me for his behavior. I would be sitting on the couch balling my eyes out, battered and broken and all out just beaten and they would respond with.."well dont provoke him". I hated them, but even more so i hated him. But you have to know that no matter what was said and done, you should never EVER feel like you did ANYTHING to deserve becoming a victim. Nothing you ever said or did was warrented for being beaten up. My brother beat me because he hated himself, it wasnt about hating me even though that was how it felt whenever it happened. As you get older you learn to love who you are. Now that i am 18 and heading off to college i have learned to love myself and that the "high" days come more often when you believe in yourself and understand that sometimes its okay to be selfish. After what you've been through you should be allowed to!It wasnt until i forced my parents to drive me to a teen shelter in the city (its known for housing runaways and family therapy). It wasnt until i made them bring me there and told them to leave me because i felt safer there than i ever did before that, and i told them to never come back, that i would find a new family, one that would actually love me, that is when they finally got it, and put an end to the beatings once and for all, my brother and i now have a better relationship, the beatings stopped and my parents treat me like they really do love me now. And thus i have learned to love myself more. As well my older sister was my Savior through all of this. she is 4 years older than me and a lot of the time she wasnt home when he would hurt me. But when my parents failed to help my sister was always there to pick up the peices and bandage me up. She would skip hanging out with her friends to just sit on the floor and hold me while i cryed. The day she left for college i cryed, and i didnt stop for 2 days. I love her so much, i never would have made it through growing up if it wasnt for her. So hold onto your relationship with your sister and trust me, ive been there. Things WILL get better. The future is always better. And when you leave for college then you can leave all of that pain behind. Just learn to love yourself, because you cant always change your circumstances but you can change how you feel about yourself. Good Luck and best wishes! i hope this helped a little bit.
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replied August 13th, 2011
as well... sorry for my equally long response! haha Smile
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