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I've been depressed my entire life and I'm not even sure why

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So I've been depressed for as a long as I can remember. I had a normal childhood with a loving family. But I've always felt out of place. I always felt alone. I always wanna be alone. I started cutting around when I was 15 or 16. Tried weed at 17. By the time I was 19 I had tried almost every drug (even heroin for a bit). When I was 20 I moved away and stopped taking drugs. I then developed an eating disorder (I was a fat kid growing up, which did contribute to my depression). I ended up in treatment in 2008 cause I couldn't stop. I'm doing a lot better now, but still have bulimic episodes sometimes (like today). I hate myself and I hate what I am. I wanna cut myself again but I'm afraid of starting something bad. I constantly fantasize about it though. Almost every day. It's exhausting. What anger me the most is that I've had a pretty good life. Nothing that bad happened to me. Maybe my parents where not home much? They were still very present in my life. So why can't I be normal? Why can't I just get over it?! I've been seeing a therapist for almost 5 years now (I'm 26) and I still feel like crap. I don't feel like doing anything or seeing anyone. Ever. It's hard to be around people. I know it'd be better for me to go out and see people. But I get so anxious my hands literally shake. I'm taking 80mg of prozac a day and anxiety meds. We tried switching to zoloft and some other drug (can't remember the name) and ended up relapsing into my eating disorder. So I hold on to my beloved prozac. But lately it feels like it's falling short. My dad told me to call him if I ever feel sad. But I don't know what to say. I don't know what anyone could do to make me feel better?? I wanna be left alone. I wanna be alone! I don't want my parents to console me. I don't know what I want. I wish I was in a car accident. Just get bruised a bit and get to spend a few days in the hospital. Take a break from life for a while. I would never do that on purpose of course, but one can dream
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First Helper totilola
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replied July 15th, 2011
You are not alone. I understand a lot of what you are feeling. I felt the same way once, I had a fairly decent childhood "so why can't I get over it?" It's not a matter of getting over it, and you can't blame yourself for the way you feel. As far as calling your dad goes, if you're close to him, go ahead... but oftentimes people who are close to you are hard to talk to about things like that, because they are hurt that you are hurt. Sometimes they are more hurtful than helpful, even when they don't mean to be. Are you completely honest with your therapist? Sometimes therapists seem stupid, or like they just don't get it, or you just don't want to do what they tell you... but the truth is, (most of the time)... they really do know what they're talking about. Fighting depression and overcoming it, feels like climbing out of the deepest, steepest hole you can imagine. What you have to try to realize though, is that you CAN climb out of that hole, but it is going to take effort. It's hard to give that effort when you feel so down... but MAKE yourself. Go outside and look at things you think are beautiful. Or make a list of things that make you happy. I don't know exactly. But once again, you're not alone. You CAN get better.
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replied June 23rd, 2013
severe long term depression, untreatable?
i have the same problem i have been depressed since i can remember ive done any and every drug, ive been put on all sorts of medications several people told me to take a break from my family so i moved away and didnt talk to them for about 2 years and i didnt miss anybody, i never have, i feel daily that there is nothing i can do or anybody else can do to help me, i feel alone and completley uncomfortable in every situation, i wanna give up i fantasize about dying everyday, ive been ready to give up my losing battle for 5 or 6 years i feel like im just waiting to die and i just cant take it anymore. i hate who i am, i hate who i have become, i hate my life, and i also feel that im supposed to just suck it up, and i have been for 20 years and it just makes things worse, i dont know what to do anymore, i cry constantly and to make matters worse im supposed to be a man and i feel like i cant be with my feelings.
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