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I think I'm going insane.. It's affecting my relationship!

It's a little long but please help have the heart to help me out.. :'( I just want to give full detail on my problem so that the answers would be accurate.

I came from my therapist yesterday and I explained to him what happened to me with an uncalled for shock… I guess my body gave up on feeling these negative emotions that I felt like it shut down on me which caused me not to feel anymore. I went into depression.

I freaked out that I couldn't feel anything. I went completely numb and empty for the past month and I would be so worried because I suddenly couldn't feel anything for my boyfriend! It scared me so much because how could I 'fall out of love with him' within a day when I went through so much with him and I know deep in my heart that I love him so much it was just that my feelings and my body wouldn't cooperate! Even with the things I love to do, it didn't seem to bring enjoyment to me anymore.. I love to dance K-POP but whenever I'm at the dance studio.. It doesn't feel the same. Even with my friends! I was at my dance competition and when they started hugging me and telling me I did a good job, it was like I couldn’t connect to them. I didn’t feel anything and I hugged them back but everything was just blank and it worries me a lot… It was like I wasn't myself and I was so lost and I didn't know what to do anymore... Honestly? I just want to be in love again.. Because my boyfriend is really one of the most important things to me and I can't lose him to this depression...

My therapist's diagnosis is that all the negative feelings came together which caused me to withdraw and become depressed and not feel anything because I was afraid to feel the fear, embarrassment and shock again.. He said that I should love myself even if I can't feel anything so that I can learn to love others again. I shouldn't over analyze it he said.

I'm known to over think a lot.. When I'm somewhere or in a situation I always go "I should be feeling something now but I don't!" I'm always looking for my feelings and get disappointed if they're not there... He said I should stop looking for my feelings and just go with the flow and ignore it.. Eventually, my emotions will come rolling back.

QUESTION 1: How do I go with the flow when I have no motivation for anything? I love my boyfriend so much but the depression is causing me not to feel anything for him.. do I break up with him because I don't feel anything for him or do I stick to loving him (because I know in my head and heart that I do, I just can't feel it) even if I can't feel anything and maybe my emotions would fix itself? I also love to dance, like I said but nowadays I don't feel like dancing anymore.. do I give up on it? I don't feel anything with regards to big events either! Like my upcoming birthday on March 30, my graduation, college... What do I do? Do I follow what the empty feelings are telling me or do I fight against it? What EXACTLY is go with the flow? If I literally went with the flow right now... I would just ignore the world and want to be alone all the time..
If I "went with the flow" and did what I felt like.. I wouldn't do the things I love because there's no point since I can't feel anything..The normal sensations I used to feel about it, I mean. It really hurts me.

QUESTION 2: I just want to love my boyfriend again because he means so much to me. We planned so many things in the future that made me happy and depression wiped it all away from me.. I just want it back. The scary thing that my therapist told me is that when my feelings come back maybe it's possible that I won't feel for him again... Is this REALLY possible?! I know so much that I love him.. when I get well from this depression will I FEEL for him again? Please help me out.. I really want to love him and feel again... I'd rather not feel anything if I won't feel for him when I get better, that's how much I love him!

The only time I’d know that I can feel again is if I feel love and happiness for him and my friends and the things I love to do again (Which mostly has a connection with him…). He’s my ultimate happiness so if I’m not depressed anymore and I can’t feel happiness with him still, I can’t feel for anything… He knows what I’m going through and is very supportive. He tells me not to over think my feelings and like what my therapist said, to just ‘go with the flow’ but it’s really hard not to think of someone who is a figure of your happiness… and it’s just not there. Do you think over thinking things makes this worse? My boyfriend tells me not to look for my feelings and it will come but if you don’t look for it, how will I find it?

Nowadays tho, I'm not as numb as before but there's like an emotional war inside me.. I know I feel something I just don't know what it is. And sometimes, I have the urge to tell my boyfriend I love him and I miss him even though there isn't a strong sense of feelings.. There's just something inside me that knows I love and miss him I just can't feel it as much and it's frustrating and confusing!

I really want to feel excitement, happiness and fulfillment again just like how I was before. I just want to be the old me and I really really wish it.. I've been so worried about this lately. I just want the numbness to go away.. The important events in my life are coming up and I just want to be able to feel for those events so that it would make a mark in my heart and it wouldn't be a waste of time.. I need my feelings back..

SERIOUSLY, he was the only thing I was sure about it this lifetime before the depression came.. I can't even feel any excitement or happiness about my 18th birthday! Even thinking about the things that would make me the happiest can't make me happy which causes me to break down..

If there are similar experiences with mine please do share and let me know how it turned out... (Good I hope)
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replied March 19th, 2012
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Yes, overthinking makes it worse--believe me, I've found this to be true about TONS of things (I can be the king of overanalyzation). It's a hard habit to break.

If you don't look for it, how will you find it? You don't have to seek things in order to find them; my favorite example of this concept is how I met my wife--I wasn't looking for someone at all, it was about the farthest thing from my mind, and yet I found her, right there in my apartment complex. Didn't even have to leave home. You don't have to look, really, to succeed.

Go with the flow, says the therapist, and this one clearly troubles you. I really don't think your therapist is talking about going with the flow of your lack of feelings, but rather about going with the flow of the world around you--keep hanging out with your friends, keep dancing, keep seeing your boyfriend, all the things you used to enjoy. I've been down this particular road, it does work.

As for question #2, it is possible that when you get to the other side of this depression, you might not feel the same about everything as you did before. It's a possibility you need to be aware of. However, it's not a certainty that you will experience such a change. To steal a line from your therapist, stop looking for your feelings.
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