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i still dont feel good enough for anything

well.. first of all.. i would like to start off with introducing myself. my name is Alysa.. and im 13. I don't think i have an eating disorder but.. if i ever had the opportunity to stop eating, i will. i could eat one small grape.. and i suddenly feel so fat. VERY fat. i constantly check my weight. i stay in the bathroom for 2-3 hours.. checking my weight. i hate myself. i cry myself to sleep. In 3 months, i went from being 140 pounds.. to 115 pounds. But i still dont feel good enough for anything or anyone. I don't know. I just want this all to end. I want to be 105 pounds.. and then i'll finally be happy. I've cut down from eating EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING that is junk food. i exercise 1 hour or 1 hour and 30 minutes.. sometimes even 2 hours a day. But i still don't see any results in how i'm becoming 'skinny' i still don't feel worth it.. and i just hate this so so so so so much. sometimes.. i just want to die.
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First Helper burfie12
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replied September 12th, 2012
You should get help. This is coming from a girl who has struggled from anorexia for 6 years. I'm 18 years old, I fear food, I hate my body. Losing weight is never enough, no matter what goal you set it isn't you still see yourself as fat. You develop heart issues, thin hair, weak bones, you bruise so easily, your constantly tired, you have sore muscles and eventually you die. I wake up every morning knowing that I've done this to myself. I am an addict of sorts and some days I wish I could stop and others I'm stubborn, full of self hate, and most of all I'm afraid. At any time my heart could give out, I should try to recover again but I'm to afraid. I am always cold, I have pins and needles in my legs constantly, it gets so painful that its hard to walk at times.I am weak most of the time and intimacy with my boyfriend has gone out the window. I don't mean to scare you or sound mean but you should get help before it gets out of hand, and yes trying to recover is hard and scary but if you are a stronger person then I am you can do it.
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replied September 23rd, 2012
Alysa, your post broke my heart. I wish you didn't have to go through this. I was your age when I started obsessing abouty body. Looking back now, I was a very scrawny thirteen year old, but at the time, I felt extremely fat, ugly and worthless. I would obsess over every bite of food. I would loose weight, but it was never enough. Years later, I remember trying feeling very fat in my wedding dress. but seven years and three kids later, I would have loved to fit into that dress!! My point is that looking back, I realize now that I WAS skinny!!! I didn't see it at the time, but that's the way it is!! We can't see who really are because of all the lies we imagine about our bodies!! I am still struggling, but I realize now that it was all in my head. Please, don't let this go too far!! It's not worth it!! You can make yourself very, very sick if you keep going like this.
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replied October 1st, 2012
I know how you feel. Everyday I wake p feeling like my body wants to break free of my fat., I have tons of new clothes but I feel too ashamed and fat to wear them. I instead wear my fat clothes. I hate looking at my reflection. I'm repulsed. The only time I feel good about myself is when I'm skinny, when I can feel my bones, when I feel light. When my stomach has contracted so much that a glass of water stuffs me. I feel you and u are not alone.
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