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I quit... now I'm really mad (Page 1)

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My story... both my parents smoked incessantly, and most of my grandparents. I started when I was about thirteen and now I'm fifty-one. I quit smoking in early January 2010, after quitting several times successfully over the years (sometimes for years). Now I trust that I have truly become a non-smoker for good.

I recently learned the acronym N.O.P.E. - not one puff ever. Yep, that's me. One puff and I'm doomed to become a smoker again. That's not what I want.

So, that being said... I'm over the physical urge. That was the easy part, surprisingly easy. I just stayed home for a few days, didn't answer the phone (huge trigger), drank lots of water, read constantly about the benefits of being a non-smoker, kept busy... everything necessary to get over the first hump. I was so proud of myself when I finally went out on foot (driving is another trigger), and I successfully avoided going to a corner store to buy cigarettes.

The cough is gone. My sinuses are still draining. My skin is pink again. I bought a bicycle with the money I have saved already, and I actually ride it. Ha! I am starting to go to the sauna again which helps more than I can say.

My problem is I don't seem to be able to cope with frustration now. I get angry really easily, which is totally new to me. I believe that I am doing all the right things - exercise, water, meditation, re-educating myself.... but my coping skills just aren't kicking in. I have kept a journal for years but it isn't helping me with this frustration/anger scenario. So I have joined this forum to ask for help from a community of folks working on similar issues.

Because addiction runs rampant in my family, and I'm clearly genetically susceptible, I am seeking cognitive solutions and advice only. Pills are not an option for me.
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replied February 12th, 2010
Oh boy.... the dreams I'm having are incredible - at least two a night.

Dream: I was in a large hall of a museum full of an exhibit on modern architecture with an emphasis on green philosophy / renewable resources / sustainability and the like. There was a model of a valley with a big park in the middle, and a patchwork of boulevards running organically throughout the valley. An architect had made a deal with the city to acquire all its garbage. He built up one side of the valley, converted the garbage and cast his city within the city. The base wall was steep and sheer, a buttressing battlement that contained necessary workings for the rest of the structure (waterworks, electrical generation, gas production etc).
In order to view the actual city, we all climbed on a huge cube made of cast aluminium - very uncomfortable... no handholds... open air. It flew about 100 miles per hour up to the 'garbage city' and all around it so we could see everything. I was holding on to the far right corner of the cube with all my might. Like being on a highspeed roller coaster, I closed my eyes from time to time when the fear became unbearable. I thought about what would happen to my body if I fell off. I held on - sometimes my legs would fly loose and I kept tucking them back under me. I felt lucky that I wasn't wearing any loose clothing. On the way back to the landing strip, I wondered if anyone had fallen off, and how we'd be able to tell if any were missing. The conductor asked us to count off in groups of five (there were five in my nuclear family in real life - Mum, Pa, my two brothers and me). I wondered how they'd know whether anyone was missing since we didn't count off when we boarded the cube.
I was relieved to touch solid ground again. Then we went for a walk along a waterway canal. Came to an open air food market of stalls made of highly colored cloth canopies. All the vendors were very healthy and very, very old. We stopped at one stall and I chose a skinned peach in a glass. The lady said the peaches were free and she was happy that I had chosen one. Her husband was sitting on a chair and he told me that he was 94 years old - he looked about 50. I ate the delicious peach then returned to the stall to return the glass.
Then I woke up thinking 'save the prayers - use the stairs'. I guess dreamtime is working through what I seem unable to handle in wakingtime. The brain is so amazing.
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replied February 13th, 2010
Dream: It was winter and I was at my grandparents... I walked through the kitchen to the living room. A couple of dollars were stuck on the door handle so I picked them up. A wallet belonging to one of my brothers was on my grandfather's desk so I put the dollars there.
Nobody was around so I walked back through the kitchen, heading to a bedroom I decided to stay in because it had a fireplace. The cook who looked an awful lot like Oprah was snuggled up in her sitting room nursing a flu bug.
I opened the door to my bedroom and found three young women there, trespassers. I was furious. Began questioning them. Another three women arrived one by one. They were a bit older - wouldn't reveal who they were readily but eventually gave me their business cards which I didn't read.
One had 'found' a day pass which I took from her along with wallets. I told them all that they were trespassing on private property and they were very nonchalant about it - not apologetic or caring in the least. They tried to substantiate their presence, saying they were there just because they could be there - that no one had stopped them!
I called the police at some point. I opened the door and asked the cook to get my brother as well. Various members of my family and the sheriff arrived at the same time and I handed over the identification of the various women and began explaining. The trespassing women ducked out the back door in an attempt to escape.
So everyone went after them, except me - because suddenly I didn't have a shirt on and I wasn't about to run around topless.
I woke up thinking - well, that was a strange dream.
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replied February 13th, 2010
Okay... I see folks reading what I've written and no responses. I guess I'll keep talking to myself then. Harrumph.
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replied February 14th, 2010
Dream: I had been captured by a ragtag group of what appeared to be Romans crossed with Road Warriors. I was being held in an ancient timberframe barn. Somehow, I managed to release my hands from really big ropes and I made my way up into the attic of the barn.
The floor was covered in old tools and, fortunately for me, a rope. My captors discovered that I had escaped and where I was, and they were gathering below me, talking about how to get me. I started throwing metal tools at them to disrupt them.
I went to the end of the barn and started pulling the shingles loose so I could get out. Went back and threw more tools down on my enemies... I finally got enough shingles loose that I could get out, grabbed the rope and started looking for a place to secure it so I could free myself.
There was an exterior set of stairs and a couple of my enemies were there. I threw a few tools at them and they fell down the stairs.
I tied the rope to the frame of the barn and started lowering myself, when suddenly, some of my enemies appeared... so I started to fly (not very well since I was really tired from no food), pulling the rope with me so I could tie it off high in a tree to make it more difficult for my enemies to get down from the barn.
I was flying under a canopy of huge, ancient trees... being pursued by my enemies. Although I am an excellent dreamflyer, I couldn't seem to get any lift. I woke up just before they caught me. Bottom line is that they didn't catch me. ha ha ha!
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replied February 14th, 2010
Hey dude just done worry everything will be fine, its really very difficult for anybody to stop smoking all of a sudden.If u find very difficult i better suggest u to smoke herbs with the help of Vaporizers it makes u feel better.
I usually buy Vaporizers from Vape World they provide the world's best quality Herbal Vaporizer and i suggest u to buy one.......
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replied February 14th, 2010
I am a dudette, not a dude.

It really only took about 20 minutes - probably less- over the course of three days to kick smoking, although I was a heavy smoker for a long time.

I am not willing to consider anything that replicates something that I don't need... that would be really stupid and not very cost-effective.

Why do you really think a Vaporizer is helpful to you to quit smoking? Isn't using a Vaporizer smoking??
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replied February 14th, 2010
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I talk to myself also when people don't reply. I always get angry when i go with out cigs idk why but i guess it is something people have to work through. Nicitine gum might help idk cause i dont think i am old enough to by it any way.
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replied February 15th, 2010
hmmm... but that would mean buying something - once again, continuing an addiction that I have decided to live without. So no nico gum for me either.
I am determined to do without spending my hard earned pennies on the addiction industry - nico gum is probably manufactured by the same companies that make cigarettes and other nicotine delivery systems. They no longer have a hold on me.
I'll just keep dreaming my way through this huge, positive change in my life and work on trusting myself based on my commitment to be free.
Now... tell me... you can buy cigs but can't buy nico gum? Something seems odd about that.
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replied February 15th, 2010
Well I did have another crazy dream or two last night, but I failed to pop in here this morning to write them down and now I don't quite remember what I dreamed. Better luck tomorrow! Very Happy
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replied February 16th, 2010
Dream: I was working for the government, doing some kind of research in a small city on a lake. My boss asked me to come to his house on the other side of the lake, to help his wife with some research, and I agreed to do so.
Somehow, I got to their house which was a really beautiful, simple circular house on a small pond with a little suspension bridge.
Over a low hill was an older cottage, their guest house, where I stayed. They had knocked out a couple of the walls and replaced them with floor to ceiling glass so the view could be seen from inside. Clean and tidy with anything the traveler might need.
Toward mid-afternoon, I finished whatever it was I was doing for my boss's wife, so I let her know. We started to chat and she said I probably couldn't guess how old she was. I said '28' and she said 'right'! ha ha
I packed up my few belongings in my rucksack, and went over to the main house to say goodbye. The wife was setting the table, singing to herself, and her husband was preparing something on the stove. They were both very happy. I said cheerio and headed out the door, thinking how lucky I was to work for such interesting, kind people.
I walked over to the lake and wasn't sure which way to go - left or right - all I could see was a cityscape fairly close by, not where I was going since the town I lived in had much smaller buildings. But of course, it was a lake so it really didn't matter which way I went - I chose to go left. I noticed that the lake had waves like the ocean, which I thought was very odd. There wasn't anyone in the water until I got farther down the road. Suddenly it was midday and there were lots of sunbathers and people splashing around in the waves. It made me smile.
Farther down the road, was a highway on the left and a frontage road on the right - not really much of a highway though - neither road was paved and it was clear that the 'highway' was for horse traffic, where the other road was for people walking without animals. I chose the 'highway' so I could see the horses and dogs I might happen upon.
There was a low wall about five feet wide and two feet tall made of grey cobblestones dividing the two roads, so I walked on that. I came up to a group of people walking in the same direction as me, including one woman who was really loud - she was walking on the low wall too, and she wouldn't let me pass. Finally, I pushed her off the wall. ; ) We came to a low rise and she caught up with me again. She was laughing.
Then I woke up.
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replied February 16th, 2010
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I'm not old enough to by cigs either im only 15 and I have been smoking since I was 12.And I am trying to stop. Have you tryed running, jogging, or simply going on a walk? this might help.Because running releases endorphines in the brain that give the runer an uplifted feeling, or simply makes them feel achieved this might help with the anger but idk. The walks if you don't live in an extremly busy place like a big city could be relaxing and that might help your anger but idk because every person is unique and different by the way your dreams are very interesting.
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replied February 16th, 2010
I want to spank whoever is providing you with cigarettes. -.-
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replied February 17th, 2010
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Did you know that we show up as neighbors on the home page? I guess since I have commeneted on this so many times it makes us neighbors but I don't know I simply found it interesting. Hope you do to, sorry that I don't have any advice for you Rolling Eyes
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replied February 17th, 2010
thanks ilovelatinclass - we're on opposite sides of the continental US but neighbors make good friends ; )

Being a recovering smoker is certainly getting easier and easier, a delightful surprise. I think just writing things down and expressing myself is helping all by itself. I forgot how important it is to share and what a powerful, healing force it can be. I'll bet the hardest part was deciding to quit!

Last night, I dreamed I was in my real life cottage, and my rageaholic ex-husband was trying to get in, just like the Big Bad Wolf. He didn't succeed, thank heaven! I don't remember the details of the dream since I woke up around 3:30 a.m. with the dream, then went back to sleep without writing it down.

I assume I am not out of the smoking woods quite yet, even though I haven't had one puff! Yay! I'm limiting myself so I don't get frustrated/angry, giving myself time to heal more. I'll just keep concentrating on this very important aspect of my health and won't sweat the little stuff.

I figure making the most of being unemployed is a very, very good idea, and I can think of nothing more beneficial to me than stopping the smoking insanity!
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replied February 17th, 2010
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I'm glad for you, that being smoke free is getting easier for you. It makes quiting more encouraging sunny
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replied February 17th, 2010
I'm increasing my water intake since I seem to crave food and coffee more now. I really don't want to get fat, nor do I want to replace the drugs in cigarettes with the drugs in coffee (or food, for that matter).

I figure that I'm dealing with the symptom of addiction that just happened to manifest as an addiction to cigarettes rather than the underlying cause... well - bit by bit, I'm going to get a handle on whatever it is that undermines my health! It feels like peeling an onion - no sooner do I get one layer off of my consciousness than another layer surfaces. So far, it's not emotional and I'm really grateful about that. My 'symptoms' are little moments of a rushing feeling - boredom, hunger, anxiety, anger, frustration... I just breath and wait for whatever the discomfort is to pass. So far, the periods of feeling balanced and good are much, much longer than the moments of being uncomfortable.

I sure don't have any regrets about starting this journey toward better health by quitting smoking, that's for absolute certain.
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replied February 18th, 2010
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THat happens to me also were i get oe thing straightened up then another addiction shows up i hate it so i stop trying to stop and then wind up with multiple
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replied February 19th, 2010
If I can apply my healthy soul to NO SMOKING, I figure I should be able to apply the same principle to addiction. It's normal to gain a few pounds after quitting, and I really did need some meat on my bones. That has leveled off now - and I'm turning my attention toward increasing exercise now.

The coffee is a bit more difficult than creating a healthy attitude toward food in general... because it gives me a pick-me-up that I obviously crave. So I'm going to try one coffee in the a.m. today, and only have herbal tea for the rest of the day. I'm thinking that part of my craving is based on a need for something warm and yummy, and I can certainly get that with all the amazing tea that's available.

Another wacky dream, some of which I remember still even though it happened over five hours ago, only snippets though. I was in the country, living in a commune with lots of people I don't know in real life. I was in the communal bathroom using the toilet, when a gangster appeared in the doorway - watching me. What a creep... I stood up and said 'do you want to look in the toilet bowl?' ha ha ha He made a face and declined the offer. Very Happy I went from the bath building to another building where we all had offices - mine was down a very, very narrow corridor that I had to turn sideways to get down, with four doors on either side. I opened the door to my office and there were a few people in it. I collected a huge bundle of cash into a plastic bag, then put it in my purse which I slung over my shoulder just as the gangsters broke into my office. They were only interested in the men, though, so they walked right by me.

I snuck out of my office, out into the open to run away and hide our hard earned cash - I looked at the sky and noticed two storm fronts gathering - it was going to be a lightning and thunder day, for sure. I made my way down a very steep slope with stairs built of huge blocks of granite - one step came loose but a man rushed up to put to put it back.

I walked through our summer garden (we lived somewhere else in the winter...) and thought about all the flats we needed to build for our winter garden seedlings, and how difficult that was going to be with the gangsters around.

They realized that I had all the cash by now, and they were chasing me. But they were city-clumsy so I was getting away quite nicely. Got to the main gate of our compound and there was a line of four small cars and a large combine we used for field work waiting to leave the compound. Someone was trying to get the gate open but it was stuck. I crawled into the combine and told the driver (a women) that we had to leave asap - that the gangsters were after our cash. I hid under one of the benches just as the gangsters arrived.

The head of the gangsters found me in the combine - I crawled into the front seat and he was trying to hurt me from the back seat - he had a screwdriver and a putty knife in this hands. I had no tools but as we struggled with one another, I noticed a small hammer on the driver's back seat. I picked up the hammer and tried to smack the gangster but I wasn't strong enough. So he took the hammer from me and hit himself!

Then I woke up.

I think cigarettes don't want me to smoke anymore either. ; )
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replied February 22nd, 2010
Dream: I was driving my long gone Fiat, my favorite car of all time, Pininfarina 2000 Spyder with headers... anyhooooo, heading down a narrow country road that was covered in snow. No snow tires nor chains on my tires. I've never driven a car on snow in waking time. Got to a place in the road where water was streaming across the way, and it had obviously undermined the road. When I started to turn around, I backed up to a wider place in the road and turned my head around to look - seemed as though there were snow covered boulders in the way but they weren't real. I looked up a steep hill on my right as I was turning the car around and I saw a two story cabin being moved horizontally by a couple of men. I thought I'd be really lucky if the cabin didn't come crashing down on me...

Finally turned the car around successfully. Heading down the snowy country road when I came to my neighbor's house. He was a cowboy. He came out of his house, mumbling about how I wasn't going to last long in the country. Suddenly I was riding my old mare, and I had my mother's horse with me as well but no rider. I thought 'yea, right, I'm more country than city so that's never going to happen' and ignored the cowboy's grumbling.

Reached the yard in front of my house and had difficulty opening the gate since I was holding onto my mother's horse's reins while trying to negotiate my own horse. My mare didn't want to cooperate so I got off to open the gate. Either I had shrunk or the horses were a heck of a lot bigger once I'd gotten off.

As I was opening the gate, a painted pony appeared. He belonged to me and had gotten out somehow. I said hello to him. Finally got the horses in the corral, when a little boy came down the road, with six kittens in his arms. The kittens had gotten out of my house as well.

I had quite a time getting the bridles and saddles off the horses, but finally did so and went into my house, more of a cabin really, quite rustic. The cowboy had been there, and had arranged a nice meal for me. But animals had gotten in and made a big mess, and ate most of the food, drank the milk, left little footprints everywhere. But I thought it was really sweet of the cowboy to have done that for me anyway.

There was a long table with something on it, I don't remember what, and far too much furniture in each room. I thought I should unclutter the place so I would have more space to move around.

Then I woke up. Sheesh, these dreams I have at 3:30 a.m. are weird, but interesting. Now I'm wide awake though. Oh well... it's better than being a smoker and I figure I'll level out eventually. So I'll just keep at it!
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