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I'm not worthy of anyone's love

I had a controlling mother. Went into catholic high school, only males. Dropped out of college, didn't go out because parents didn't allow. Later, I completely stopped going out. Wasted my twenties playing video games. Lost contact with friends.

I was never in a relationship. I'm 31 years old. Never had love, never had sex, never felt being loved or held hands with a girl or a woman. I was always anxious with approaching to girls, afraid of making fool out of myself, worried I won't be creepy or getting rejected. I always played safe and never approached women i liked.

Things changed for me. I'm living alone in my own apartment, I have a car and a permanent job in a big internet/mobile provider company and I have a steady income.

Year ago I met this girl at work and was smitten right away. I mustered courage to ask her on a date. She agreed to go to coffee, but only as friends. I accepted that. I felt sad, but after a while I got over it. Year later, she started approaching me. She would ask me how I am, what am I doing etc. She asked me if I will go to a company party, as she is planning to go as well. At company's Christmas party I asked her out on a date. She said yes.

She texted me next day, saying she is going on vacation for 2 weeks, but when she comes back we will plan a date. I was never so happy. We texted few times a week.

When she returned, I proposed a day week in advance. She said that unfortunately that day her cousin has a birthsday, but maybe some other day. Never proposed a reschedule. We texted for 2 months, I always initiated. I felt she isn't interested anymore.

So i said: "Do you want to go out without any expectations on my side?" She said: "I don't want to give you false hope. It's stupid to me. I'm sorry." She said that after 2 months, all while my expectations whnt higher.

I felt devastated when she texted that. My world crashed. I had feelings for her over a year now. I had hope I have finally a chance.

The next day I saw her on work. She was smiling and asked me how I am. I just went pas her, saying only hi. I was angry, sad, pathetic, miserable. I texted her that I need space because I have feelings for her. She said to text her when I feel better if i want.

2 weeks later I texted her and asked if she wants to be a friend. I guess she felt I wasn't honest in intentions being a friend. I was having hope. "Maybe starts liking me... Maybe she gives me a chance." She texted she doesn't feel pleasant because one day I'm saying one thing, the other day other thing. I got really confused with that. I said to her: "You told me to contact you when I'm feeling better. I do realise I was acting needy and desperate. But, please, try to understand my side of things. I think it's OK to like somebody. and as It may sound weird, I was never in a relationship even though I'm 31.It's due to some circumstances and also, since I went to a male catholic school, I didn't interact with girls much back then. I'm really bad at this. Sorry." She just replied: "Lets not make this unpleasant" I just stopped contacting her then.

She would later glance on me, while I wasn't looking at her. I noticed. However, now she is avoiding me completely. I am not approaching her, speaking to her, coming near her. But, now I just feel like she hates me. If I would walk somewhere and she noticed, she would turn her back... For a woman I would give my entire life, I'm not good enough even to say hi.

I lost all of my friends during 20's due to being alone, playing video games. They are all either married or moved out of this pathetic country of Croatia.

I started going to a psychotherapy, gym, felt good for few days. But now, more than ever, my suicidal thoughts are strongest. I feel unworthy of anyone. I am always considered a good guy, never as someone who might be wotrhy of relationship. I am a low life, miserable scum. I don't need to live. Nobody is here to understand me. Nobody calls me anywhere, no friends, I don't have nobody to spend time with.

I'm invisible to women when I go anywhere, when I enter a room. Nobody even notices me. Nobody will miss me. I'm feeling I'm not worthy enough to live and I should end it.

Only love I ever had was from my parents and my dog.

I'm crying typing this. I can't anymore. Can't. No more crying... Dead don't cry.
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replied September 2nd, 2018
*Hugs you*

You are loved.
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replied October 12th, 2018
huhuhu don't think anything bad about yourself because of a woman
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