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I'm feeling so alone that I really long to die..

Hello doctor,
I'm in my early twenties. From my very young age I remember being alone, feeling lonely. I'm having difficulty making friends. No matter how hard I try, people only run away from me. I'm so scared of everything- scared to face a group of people, scared if others might be thinking bad about me etc and etc. As days went on, I started to hate people. Usually I'm very nice to people. But when they are not nice to me, I don't like them. I don't really mingle with ANYONE at church. I always find myself crying- crying because i have no friends, crying because I'm so alone..I hate my birthdays..i don't like to be manipulated even though they are my parents..often people ask me "are you crying? why do you look as if you're about to cry? blah blah.." in fact, i would b as normal as any day and I'd hate being asked that way. On my birthday I don't like people to talk to me cos i don't want my mood to get spoiled. I want to be left alone. Please help me...what is my problem? please..Yesterday while i was crying myself to sleep, I told God,"God! if i'm really going to be useless, then please kill me yourself. You know that I'd have killed myself long time ago if it weren't for the fact that I'd end up in hell for talking my life..please do something..if it is written in your book that I will come to nothing useful, then please kill me tomorrow yourself." Today morning, the moment I woke up, the thought that came to my mind was "Oh! I'm still alive!!" Later I told myself "what was i thinking!! The day isn't over yet. There is time left until midnight for this day to get over. So maybe I still have a chance that God would kill me within today.." I really am scared of death. I thought I was crazy but then I can't help it. Living in this world has to have some purpose. But I'm none of it. Please someone help me..........
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replied August 17th, 2013
I am sorry your having a hard time. It sounds like you really should talk to a psychiatrist and a psychologist if possible. A Psychiatrist knows best what medications to prescribe to help with these problems, a psychologist usually spends an hr with you to talk and help you get through your problems. I am not a doctor but I have had experience with many things. I am fairly young and worked very hard and became a police officer. I can tell you their are many people who feel the way you do. Sometimes you think why me, when you would be surprised if you knew how many others have felt these ways and have gotten better. As I said I was a police officer, I was badly injured on the job and forced into disability. I've had many surgeries on neck, left ankle and right leg. I have many conditions I won't bother with but non stop pain. Most of my closest friends were other officers I worked with, after sometime the calls stopped and none of them talk to me anymore. I fell into a deep depression due to all the injuries, the horrible pain, friends and other reasons. I did end up seeing a psychologist who was really great. He understood all the negative things but also helped me see that I still have a lot more. I was 30 when this accident happened a couple of yrs ago and it was hard. I can understand some of how you feel. You def need to see a psychologist and get some medications from a psychiatrist if you can, they know so much more then your reg MD. Also understand you are not alone, your young and believe me I never thought I would have made it as far as I did when I was younger. Things will get better for you, a year from now you could be happier then you could have ever imagine.
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