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I'm devastated about breakup...please help me get over her

I’m so heartbroken right now…I need advice on how to get over this woman. I wound up being in a love triangle which has driven me into therapy but I need some additional advice, criticism, feedback…whatever it is…I just need to hear it.

I met this woman online in February 2013 and during the first month I didn’t **** her up and ask her to be in a relationship with me like I should have. She liked me as well during that time but she didn’t pursue me either. We spent some weekends together but never actually became an exclusive couple. We eventually went our separate ways and dated others. In April 2013 I came back into her life and we started going out. Unfortunately she had been seeing a guy for two months but she said she loved me and had always loved me. Eventually, she asked for her house key back from this guy and told him she wanted to see other people. However, according to her she did not tell him specifically that the reason for the breakup was me. She had always said that she had never left one man for another man and she didn’t want to start now. She never actually stopped seeing this other guy and she continued to see me as well.

Over the next three months she and I traveled extensively taking trips out of state, hotels, bed and breakfasts, Eastern Shore, DC on the 4th of July, Atlantic City...etc and having the best times. She was mostly honest with me about still seeing him and which I hated knowing but I accepted. I always asked if and when she was going to see him again which is why she told me but I guess I’d rather know than just pretend it wasn’t happening. But I still hated it.Anyway, during these months, she spent more time with me than him for but it still bothered me that she wouldn’t commit to me. She always lied to him when she was with me…..and as hurtful as it is to admit…she would always post our trips on her Facebook page but I was never tagged or even shown in photos. Her photos consisted of things such as the hotel we were at, sunsets, the restaurants we went to…shows we attended...a landmark…the food/wine glasses at our table...…etc…but never once was I shown on FB with her. I have many photos of us together on these vacations but out of respect I didn’t post them on FB either. I let her control the situation. She said she was just trying to spare his feelings and I accepted it because I was hoping that I would eventually be with her forever. She said she was very confused and often questioned why I didn’t grab her back in February when I had the chance. She was scared that maybe if she left this guy and then I decided I didn’t want to be with her anymore she would have lost both of us. I wish I could go back in time and grab her for myself but obviously I can’t. However since coming back into her life in April I treated this girl like a princess. Trust me on this and she knows it too. I began loving this woman everyday more and more and treated her as such. She told me every day she loved me. She said she loved this other guy too but her love for me was different - with me she had such passion. She was IN love with me versus just loving the other guy. She said if the other guy left or dated someone else it wouldn’t be a huge deal…but if I were to leave or date someone else it would destroy her. She made me feel so special…and she was so much fun…and I found her to the most beautiful woman in the world. Not a woman alive could make me feel as special as she did. She’s 33 years old and had been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis since she was 18 which could debilitate her in her future…yet I never cared about that. There’s no question I would be there for her forever.Anyway, this love triangle went on for months…it took its toll on me…I lost close to 40 lbs. in less than 3 months from the stress…she lost about 15lbs. The scenario was not good.

So…a little over two weeks ago I take her out to eat…we have drinks…we’re having a great time. We go back to her place and it’s around midnight…still having a great time. We’re having some wine, eating some food…barely dressed…it’s literally the best time of my life to be honest…and then there’s a bang on the door and it’s him. He yelled inside that he knew I was there (my car was out front). I knew she wouldn’t just allow him to stand outside and bang on the door so I opened the door…and to make a long story short…she asked me to leave and he stayed…and I never saw her again. I’m disgusted. I’m completely heartsick. I am so heartbroken. I know she used me…but I’m devastated. I loved this girl so much. I’m like a walking zombie. My life feels like it has no meaning now. She has unfriended me on all social media sites. She no longer calls me or texts me so I know it’s over. What’s killing me inside is that aside from just leaving me (and how it transpired)…I really don’t understand what I’ve done to deserve the harsh treatment since that infamous evening. She’s treating me like I did something horrible to her. That’s the part that I need closure on. I can’t understand it! I’m so distressed I can’t think straight. My entire life has been affected. I go to sleep thinking of her. I dream about her. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of her. Why do I feel like this after being treated like this?

Couple of other facts:
Based on her upbringing she has detachment issues with her emotions. Instead of dealing with issues head on, she has always dealt with negative emotions by hiding them away in her head, putting on a happy face and going out with friends. (She has admitted this to me multiple times) Basically she doesn’t really feel the emotional pain that most people feel because as a child that was how she was able to cope with some of the painful things that happened to her growing up. When I told her how devastated I was and told her that she had “No idea” of the pain that she has caused me…she apologized and replied (sincerely) that she wished she knew how I felt.

When she did go out with him while dating me she would tag him in Facebook and show them together which made me feel awful to know she would do that with him but not me. She claimed it was because people assumed they were still dating. That was probably one of the most hurtful aspects of this relationship. Knowing I was being hidden away like she was cheating on a husband or boyfriend.She had told me on several occasions that everything was fine between her and this guy before I came back into the picture. (Maybe it’s true…but she didn’t have to let me back in her life) He played it cool though and allowed her space…I didn’t. I bugged her constantly about leaving him and always questioned when she and I could be together. I probably chased her away with my nagging. But I’m not the kind of guy that can just pretend everything is fine.She actually blamed me for opening the door that evening because she wanted to convince him nothing was going on that evening but she was barely dressed so that didn't fly...plus he and I had some words and I said something to him as I was being kicked out like I was with her on certain occasions that he hadn't known about. Anyway, she said she couldn’t forgive me for doing that. And because of this she has now told me even if they don’t work as a couple she could never be with me. Can someone make sense of what happened to me?? After all of this though…I still want her. What is wrong with me?? I still have the urge to call and text her. I don’t know who’s sicker…her or me??? Can someone please tell me when this pain will subside? I used to be this healthy person but now I’m on sleep medication, anxiety medication and something else prescribed to calm my nerves. I’m a freaking mess. My heart is in a million pieces. I don't know which way to go to start putting myself together again.
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First Helper verne01
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replied October 12th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

I am sorry for your trouble.
I guess through it all your instinct was warning you against her but you decided to ignore your instincts and hope for the best because it would be too stressful to look at your situation dispassionately.

Reading between the lines of your description that is the impression I find and now you not only have the hurt of losing the woman to deal with you have heaped on that the pain of dashed hopes, humiliation and self-recrimination and the jealousy.
That is a big meal to swallow and little wonder it has knocked you on your back so you need so many meds.

I strongly suggest her reason for being an unfeeling so-and-so was merely a badly thought up excuse. She was certainly out to use you and have some fun at your expense. Clearly the other guy was in blissful ignorance much of the time and believed he was the one-and-only. The woman clearly has a chip on her shoulder about men or she is just a good-time girl.

Your own description shows you to be a gullible fool who was blinded by hope.
I think you have had a very lucky escape from a selfish, cruel, calculating and predatory woman and that conclusion is about all the closure you are going to get this time.

Why people place such a great emphasis on facebook and other social sites defeats me. Someone should pull the plug on all of them permanently. People who have a Life worth living are out living it and the rest are finding an on-line home where the cheats, liars, criminals, social misfits and the warped can pretend and avoid having to grow up.

You will do yourself a big favour if you avoided all of them from now on.

The obvious fact you have been a gullible fool doesn't alter the fact your emotions, after being stretched so much for months and after finally reaching that unhappy conclusion, must be as bruised and battered as if they have been in a car wreck.

If you had been in a car wreck your bruised and battered physical injuries would heal given the right conditions. Pulling and twisting a broken leg every five minutes to see if it is still broken is not the right condition to promote the healing of a broken leg or a bruised and battered psyche.

There is no point holding a fresh inquest every day. No other conclusion can be reached. One inquest is enough and then draw a line under it.

Just like a person with a broken leg and other physical injuries must force themselves into patience and diversion to use up time you must do the same and it is time that will do the healing and remove the worst of the sting from your injuries and later your memories.

It will be a long road for you and it won't be easy but identifying and dismissing some of your feelings as those of a juvenile that an adult shouldn't have should make it a little shorter.
Swallowing your pride and admitting to yourself the "relationship" was suspect from the beginning and it was foolish to continue in vague hope and you had been manipulated by an expert would be a start.
Admitting to yourself her excuses were transparent but she got away with them because you wanted to believe.

Dismissing your feelings of outrage and jealousy should be quite easy when you have stopped reeling from the shock of being summarily dumped in such a way, which incidentally she undoubtedly did because she is now proved beyond doubt to be a liar. I feel if she could have wriggled out of that situation with her illusions intact you would probably still be first reserve boyfriend until the next time!

Take away the disappointment of dashed hopes and all the other things how much is left of sorrow for a lost love?
A small fraction of the whole is the answer...

I advise you to stop beating yourself up so much about some of the things you are feeling. Look inside yourself and identify each feeling and put it in its proper place and give it the proper context. Isolate these from each other.

Finally look forward to the day when you meet her and she is walking with sticks - so you can kick them away and dump her on her silly smug face as she so richly deserves...

Count your blessings, friend.

Good luck!
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replied October 12th, 2013
Love is silly somehow, that's why...even it seems helpful on verne01 post; however, still too difficult to do that! In this case...just behave more mature & think a bit for yourself...For example,try to keep moving forward independently instead! Time gonna the best medicine for you to forget here...

Don't worry, everything is gonna be alright!!!
Take care,
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replied October 20th, 2013
Follow-up question
Hey there...I have a question about the woman I wrote about that basically destroyed me. I gave her a hard copy of what I had written on this post...and she now keeps it with her at all times in her wallet. I asked he why she does that and she replied that it makes her feel "Close to me". This is strange because the letter I wrote above was kind of humiliating...you think she enjoys what she did or she's keeping it out of guilt?
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replied October 20th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
I don't think it is guilt.

I think she keeps it partly as a trophy and partly to remind herself of just how much power she can exert over men or at least one man...

I suggest you send her hard copy of the replies to your post too. I would wager they don't stay with her.
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