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I'm a virgin, but my girlfriend is not..

I am having an issue.. I am a virgin and my girlfriend is not. I have been dating her for almost 4 months now, and I have come to some really strong feelings for her. Now I am not considering having sex with her...
But she has already had sex with someone else close to about a year ago. she told me that the only reason why she did it was because she thought it would bring them closer.. and only because she said she loved him. What ruined their relationship was that the guy cheated on her, and he moved and lived 5 hours away. and she ended up cheated on him, and dated that next guy for about 3 months. But she didn't have sex with the last guy. And so then I came along...
At first she kept saying that she really wanted to have sex with me, but then I said, " You can't realize what it will feel like to know that you haven't ONLY been mine.. but you will know again that I will only be yours..." and she said, " I'm sorry I don't know what it would feel like to lose your virginity to someone who isn't a virgin. It was a mistake and I wish I could take it all back."
And, well I sincerely can trust her. She had sex but it was a mistake.. and so from then on we agreed that we would only have sex when we knew that we are in love.
But it still just bugs me so much, its like when you think about the person you are close to and you get this really warm and exciting feeling... but then that thought creeps into my mind.. and it just feels the exact opposite in pain.
If I tell her I love her and I give her my virginity, is it worth it? Is it worth it if we truly love each other?????
I know it has not been long for dating, only 4 months. but we've had a thing for each other since April, which is almost 6 months. And we've been through so much together already, good times and bad times. The pieces of our lives just fit together like a puzzle. I know I will be with this girl for a long time...
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First Helper Pickle76
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replied September 21st, 2011
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Hi and welcome to ehealth: What you speak about is a problem only if you make it a problem...IMO, nowadays many women have sex before they really want it...It seems to be the norm in making a relationship right...Many think this will help keep the guy happy and many times curiosity plays in this game called sex......Speaking along these same lines, many get nothing out of it...It is simply the completion of this amorous act called "love"....Whether she is your first, or you are her's, should make no difference...It is the two people and their feelings for each other that make sex great...

FYI, my husband was not a virgin and this never made any difference to me...As for me, I was, but I can tell you without any hesitation that it would have made no difference to him either...You see, we women get better with age....Take care...

Caroline
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replied June 16th, 2012
hi
its very simple, love is the felling of trust ,were as sex is the felling of happy life like if you are tense, difficulties in you every day life if u have sex with your partner diffinately if u both satisfies u wont have tension in your life and you can tackle your problems easily. As u have mention that she is already had sex his xxx.i think you should not consider... hope you can understand love and sex.......
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replied September 6th, 2012
Wow! I think we are exactly the same. I've been with my girlfriend 4 months, she had sex as a mistake... and I to cannot stand the fact that I haven't been only her's. The fact that I will never take her virginity and lose mine a the same time will never happen:( I am madly in love with this girl and it disturbs me so much just to think what she did. We also both love each other since april too!
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replied January 30th, 2013
I am surprised and relieved to see that I am not the only one with this anxiety. I'm still a virgin, but we live in a culture where sex almost ubiquitous in middle and high schools. And for some indescribable reason, I cannot bear the thought of losing my virginity to someone who is not herself a virgin. It sickens me. I've thought and thought and thought but I cannot find a reason for this anxiety, except that perhaps couched in it is some fear of abandonment. As you said, to lose my virginity to a girl--that girl would be my one and only. But if she were not a virgin, then what am I to her? Another stepping stone, a past-time, a notch on the belt that she can compare with all her others? "Well, here's the next guy," she might say. "Wonder how long this one is gonna last..."

This is an issue more common than you might think, because it's on numerous forums. But the feedback I've seen throughout the internet is disappointing, consisting mostly of pejorative denial of the issue by "reasoning" it away. "Oh is this how you feel? Well that just isn't rational, and here's why! Oh, look how wrong you've been all this time--and now that you have the logical answer in front of you, you can be happy!" In my life I have never put down an deep-seated emotion like anxiety by logical argument. It requires empathy, and I think your anxiety would be assuaged significantly if you thought long and hard about how to articulate it to your girlfriend, finding the best words and similes and what-not, so that you can express it in a way that reflects you perfectly, just as I am expressing myself here (believe it or not, for my own health). And the next step, of course, is for your girlfriend to accept your feelings without judgment, pretense, or some pejorative rationalization. If you have her empathy, then I think half the battle is won.
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replied February 12th, 2013
Thanks to every1 on this site really help me alot my gf n i was going out 4 six months n she told me friday she had sex with 2 other guys. This realy hurt me emotionaly and everyday i cry. I love her alot and i dont wanna leave her because ill be hurting myself more by not having her. Im still a virgin and im 20 uears old. I really need help should i have sex with her or what can i do to make this pain less
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replied February 12th, 2013
Thanks to every1 on this site really help me alot my gf n i was going out 4 six months n she told me friday she had sex with 2 other guys. This realy hurt me emotionaly and everyday i cry. I love her alot and i dont wanna leave her because ill be hurting myself more by not having her. Im still a virgin and im 20 uears old. I really need help should i have sex with her or what can i do to make this pain less
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replied February 18th, 2013
Hi guys!
I'm a Latino guy living in china since 4 years ago I came to study and now Ifound a job... I just meet my GF in here she is I'm 27 she is 22!!!
she is Korean and went back since last year to her country. we started dating like 3 months before she finish her studies in here and then well.... I was virgin!! ye believe it.. I always thought to give my virginity to someone as me.. but I mean I was 26 that time, whatever she wasn't and told me, I accepted it but also didn't have sex with her.. because she knew it I was virgin. she tried and tried but for me always thought the first time must be special and not because she was about to leave china, the point is we didn't. BUT she told me about past relationships, and her first time, like 3 or 4 times she had sex with!!! damn it really bug me!!! because i remembered in these years I had the change to lose my virgin,. at least 5 times. some of them girls in same condition as me students other countries. but I dint and i always waited for someone to share with be in love with etc etc...
after she went back and me still in here, she already came twice to see me!! first time for just one weekend! in Beijing, second time in my city here, for 3 weeks! during past January.. was then when I finally had sex with her.. but honestly in my mind there is just the image of her with other guys, cheating on her former BF, plus the kind of responsibility as a man to be good at it, and the first time was really bad.. to short.. afraid, I never used a condom.. damn she trying to teach me was horrible! so we had frequently. and it really bug me that being here I never had sex with a Chinese girl! a virgin one!, or anyone else and she did. what bother me the most is that last time even when i told her i don't like she talking about her relationships she did when were about to have sex she said something like when i did this position really hurt you want I do that with you...??
Honestly hurt me a LOT~! i told her I love her really that is what it hurts,. so i tried to broke with her, she cried and say no apologize and say not say that again. but after she is back again to Korea and me in here, I think that that kind of damage can not be repaired, maybe I am too old fashion, but its not the same that I found her cheating, is just that I will always remember her saying that and the moment we were together. I think that because I love her its that hurt me everyday. I am not anymore a virgin. and we still in relation ship, but now that I'm planning go back my country for 3 weeks holidays, I started to think.. wanna have a virgin, a Chinese, wanna experiment,... should I break with her? or I am just overreacting,? don't wanna break with her. but also wanna do those things I said.. is it bad?
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replied April 28th, 2013
I'm in the same boat... Kinda. My girl friend had a one night stand... Sh was at the beach and she isn't the coolest kid.. She just had sex with a dude. She wanted to fit in with everyone. She felt left out because all of her friends have had sex. So she just did it. She hated it, she said it didn't feel good, the guy was ugly, so on and so forth. I believe her. We have cried together about it, it gets better over time. I started struggling with it about 4 months into the relationship, it sucks so bad at first. I couldn't get it out if my mind. By far the worst emotional pain I have ever experienced. I never want to go through something like that again, right now, we are 10 months strong am I couldn't be happier. The point of this whole paragraph is it was a mistake. She regrets it, and prob hates it. Girls want to fit in, the want to be part of the "norm" , when a girl is left out they will do anything to be that person that everyone loves. When the subject of sex comes up they don't want to be the awkward person that hasn't had it. Trust me.. The subject comes up a lot in our society today. Just hang in there, do not be afraid to cry, let it out and talk to her. It will be better and better. I still get depressed about it. I hate it. It makes me want to go have sex with someone else... But that wouldn't make anything better. Just love her, love will keep everything together.
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replied October 19th, 2013
hey guys i understand how you feel. i too have got that sickening feeling in my gut. i just turned 17 and me and my best freing who is a girl were planing on losing our virgineties too each other. but she moved a few hours away and met another guy and lost her virginety to him. its been 12 weeks and i cant bear the pain. she told me to find another girl to lose it to but i love her and i dont think i can.
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replied January 5th, 2014
Guys I know how bad this pain can hurt, but whether or not your girls number is 1 or 1000, would it make you love her any less? If so then she probably isn't the girl for you, part ways amicably so that you can both find someone to be happy with. If it won't make any difference then good for you, and that's all that matters! Getting over it will be hard I know, but think about any girl you have ever cared for in the past, do you think about that person when you are with your girlfriend? I doubt it, and that is how she will feel. She probably already feels insecure that you've waited for her and she hasnt, and reminding her of that and letting it hurt you will either make her feel judged or you'll make her feel awful and hurt. If you waited for her, show her how much you love her by forgiving her for hurting you, and forgiving the guys in her past, and love her completely for who she is, because the decisions she has made in the past make her the person you love now. You don't have to like them, but if you want to love her you have to learn to love them... That's how to show real love.
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