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I lost my fiancee to drugs and alcohol!

I will try to be brief, but i admit this is the most painful things i have gone through in my life. My fiancee and I had been together 2 years. From the begining I knew she drank too much on occasion. I also knew she had some serious issues in her past with drugs. But being a person in recovery, I was accepting and I knew my presence in her life helped her not drink much at all and not use drugs. We were very happy together. We had our problems but were ok. Then we had our first alcohol related incident and it was bad, she got violent and nasty but i was able to get her to control herself and get to sleep that night but it was the first major warning sign. But i stood in there cause i knew what it was liek to be abandoned due to my former usage. I stayed and things were fine for a while but the beast within would show its face from time to time getting worse with each time. Then months would go by and nothing. Her parents and I were very very close and they were so happy we were going to get married they knew i was sober and loved me for it. I also think they finally had someone around their daughter who was sober and mature and who they knew looked out for her best interests.

My fiancee admitted to me one day about spending time in a mental fascility and I reassured her that it was cool and i was so proud of her for doing the right thing for herself then. I also let her know that no matter what i wouldn't abandon her. I would stay by her side and i did. Through, all types of violent, non violent , and just horrible emotional episodes i never left her side. She relied on me for everything! It was taxing but i love her. I realized that she had very little coping skils and always relied on myself or her parents whom are financially well off. But i started to catch her in lies. She stole money, she wouldnt pay bills for months. She would hide money and many times disappear for hours at a time.

I would try to reach her and when i finally woudl get her on the phone she would be defensive and nasty, but if i were unable to pick up my phone the would call me incessantly! over an dover and over again, getting nastier with each call also she would call my job and hang up over and over again!

Her mother and i were very close! Super close! She even shared secrets with me that i have still kept. She was a mother to me like no one ever was.
To fast forward a bit my fiancee always seemed to have a problem with someone, almost everyday there was some sort of drama in her life with someone with her always being the victim. I started to notice her coming home at night with the sniffles everyday and for someone that never got sick she was now sick, tired and moody at all times. I knew the signs, i tried to talk to her mother about them but i was rebuffed. The mood swings got worse and worse. But i was holding on and we planned ahead with our wedding. She was involved in a project and i started to notice even more changes in her, alot of the people involved in the project were heavy dirnker sna pot smokers and used other drugs too. I noticed more chnages in her she started lying to people all the time and if i questioned her why she would get nasty.
The holidays were a very lonely time for me, she had regressed into just doiung her project working three hours a day, and only sitting home and reading gossip websites and watching intervention on tv. but i was supportive and loving and affectionate with through out all of this.

Long story short she got violent with me again and nastier with me again even using racial slurs against me (she is Caucasian and i am racially mixed) I kept trying to help her in little ways and be supportive and caring, but she just became more and more arrogant. Sadly on Christmas she had a huge falling out with her brother on the front lawn of her parents home. One now i am being blamed for because i was indifferent about whether or not to go too another party with them where drugs and alcohol were being served to put it kindly. I have found out since that my fiancee has slept with some of her brothers friends in the past and that made sense because they were always a little weird with me and always tried to be kind of tough around me..You know always trying to size me up.

Anyways her own mother implored her to stop drinking after this event but it just made her more angry and more resistant. Things at home started to deteriorate rapidly. Everything i said or did was wrong, all i did was work 10 -15 hours a day 6 to 7 days a week to cover the things she was no longer willing to do or pay for. Which was fine with me, her parents bought us the home as a gift for our upcoming wedding and i was very thankful to them and would take care of their daughter always.

Then i found out some of her behavior had caused me a problem at work and i got upset one day and when i went to an event in regards to he project (one which i was verbally accosted for not wanting to drink or use drugs) I gave her a tiny taste of her own medicine...i did it very kindly but she went off the deep end with it. and since then well she has lied, and turned her family on me and other people as well. I have been kind and loving towards her and her family and they have all now turned to constantly harassing me with phones call and txt msgs and i have tried to get her help to no avail i tried ot talk to her parents they are in denial , and my fiancee beat me to them so they think i am crazy. I am wondering if i am. I fell of the wagon for exactly 14 days. I never got drunk ever never having more than three drinks in a 5 hour time span but my 3 years of sobriety went out the window, im back in the program. and i am fine.

I fear for her safety as she has sent me many txt msgs and emails describing her drunken forays, and listing her drugs of choice and liquors of choice as well. Her so-called friends most of which are under age drinkers. (she is soon to be 29) and drug users applaud her and push her to drink and party more. Her own siblings pushing for her to party more doesnt help either.
Before all this happened her brother would regularly challenge her to drink wildly and act out and always referred to me as the old ball and chain. He also would put her down for not going out and partying all night. it was hard to deal with and watch her ego take all these beatings, i knew in time she would succumb to the pressure. she did and now I am homeless..
She threw me out, and has thrown me under the bus to her family! I moved to a different state to be with her, I even shunned my friends and family for hers. I completely changed my life and basically gave up a promising career to work, go to school , and focus on being there for her and her family. I was only seeing my children from my first marriage once or twice a month because there was just always so much drama going on with my fiancee.
Do not get me wrong we had many many many more good times than bad! but her bad is horrible and cruel and she is very sick, and i wish i knew what to do to help her. She threw me out and i now live in my car.
I am ok and workign hard at saving money and doing what is best for me. but i have a hard time sleeping at nights knowing she is out there hurting herself. I also know she needs alot of help..I tired again with her family but to no avail, they are no puppets in her little world. She has them totally fooled and i even remember her telling me as i left our home "don't even try to talk to my parents i have them fooled they dont know anything about me!" She told me i love my drugs and my alcohol..and she also said alot of insane nasty things to me...I tried as hard as i could to reach her.

I am heartbroken, my children are hurt, i am homeless. and yet i love her still. i pray for her all the time. She already has one DUI on record and other court appearances for other things she has done. She calls or txts me nasty horrible things all the time. i mentioned this to he MOther whom i was close with and they act as if i am harassing her. not knowing she is the one initiating all this drama and contact. I do love her but what am i to do. My eldest daughter has fallen ill and i just dont have time to be treated this way. it is very sad and i am heartbroken, sadly i know she loves me and in some way is crying out for help but she has threatened me so many times with so many things i can never trust her again or dare to even try to visit her with an intervention specialist or anything. my hands are tied behind my back...She is constantly lying to people about me and threatening to call my boss....I feel like i may have to go to the police soon if this harassment doesnt stop. Her family calling me from unknown numbers. her doign the same then calling me from her cell phone. the calling and hanging up the phone at my pace of work...it is non stop..any suggestions?


What hurts the most is she is going around accusing me of being mentally and verbally abusive and amongst other things. She is lying and creating this whole i am a victim thing. She contantly calls or harasses me in some way. When i brought it up to her Mother, her mother goes you need to leave her alone and stop calling her. When i said umm she is the one calling me, i have only returned one phone call in almost a month. Her mother basically got very nasty with me. Which hurts me as well. We were so close, tho that blew up in my face too. because my fiancee was jealous of how close we were. what do i do? She is going around telling people i am a liar and a thief and just making up so many stories about me it is scary. I just wish she would get help. Everytime she conacts me with all this hate and nasty i dont reply one time i did reply and all i said was please get help and please leave me alone but she persisted for a while.

I could go on and on but this damn story is already long enough and i am very long winded ..sorry folks...
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replied March 6th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Oh my god, what a story. I am so sorry you are dealing with all that drama and trying to maintain your own recovery.

You probably already know that the only person you can control is yourself.

Might be a time for really tough love; call and get a restraining order. Sounds like she has mental health issues and if she doesn't get that addressed she will spiral further out of control.

I hope you find healing...I hope you put you first.

Best wishes to you...
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